


The first star you see may not be a star

by Laika_the_husband (Laika_the_wife)



Category: SKAM (Norway)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Different First Meeting, Angst, Artist Even, Blackouts, Candles, Child Neglect, Childhood Trauma, Christmas, Consent Issues, Cutting, Dark, Emotional Hurt, Eventually They Will Get There, Fetish, First Dates, Kinks, M/M, Masturbation, Masturbation in Shower, Mental Health Issues, Mutual Masturbation, Not a Love Story, Psychological Trauma, Rope Bondage, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Sex Work, Snowed In, Substance Abuse, Therapy, Trauma, Verbal Abuse, Wax Play, Winter, still a love story
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-04
Updated: 2019-03-03
Packaged: 2019-09-07 05:09:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 31
Words: 53,803
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16847749
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Laika_the_wife/pseuds/Laika_the_husband
Summary: Yes, I know, yet another wip. Zero chill. And I wanted to make a Christmas Story, so here we are now.In this story of dark and woe Isak is a sex worker who specializes in services of not traditionally sexual nature. Want to watch someone sharpen a pencil really slowly, making a long twirly unbroken strip, for your kicks? Isak's your guy. He is good at his job and he likes it, and it pays the bills while he's studying civil engineering at the Met.It's also convenient that Isak doesn't have to actually touch any of his clients. Because he can't touch anybody, and nobody can touch him, or he'll freak out completely.One day, Isak goes to meet a client, and sees EvenStarr, the video artist whose stuff he loves. And his request is not the most bizarre, but the most disturbing one Isak has ever received.Edit on March 3: Slightly open, hopeful ending, where they are determined to work it out and stick together. That was the best I could do.Check the tags and notes for more, thank you!





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So I really want to see how hard I can make it for Isak and Even to end up and be together. Again. If you've read Reflections, you know what I'm talking about here. I like this Isak and this Even a lot, and I hope to make it all work out for them in the end, but I have no idea where this story is headed. Yet. Did I mention my lack of chill?
> 
> Added Jan 28th: Even will make Isak hurt. Isak will make Even hurt.
> 
> Added Feb 26th: Isak's trauma is not rape or molestation. Sexual assault is not character depth.
> 
> Added Feb 28th: I'm so sorry it took me this long to add this here, but I just recently figured it out myself. Isak's issues are derived from childhood trauma of being deprived from physical contact with both his parents and experiencing serious neglect and abandonment on that front. I will add a content warning to chapters where this is talked about.
> 
> Added March 3rd: I'm so sorry this story got so out of my hands. If you are just starting it, I think you're in the clear, because you know going in what's ahead of you. I will try to learn from this fuck-up and do better next time.
> 
> In case you need to see the request Even has for Isak beforehand, see the notes at the end of the chapter.

During the two years of doing this job Isak had learned that there were many, many ways to have sex. More ways than one could easily imagine. At first he had imagined that this line of work would mean he would pretty much starve, since he did not want to engage in anything sexual that required anyone touching him. But, he had found, if one was resilient, inventive and shameless one could find a niché where there was proper money to be made.

The trick was to find the real perverts.

The people who had desires so plain weird that they had nowhere else to turn to.

Sure, some days Isak felt a bit bad, like he was exploiting the poor bastards who paid him thousands just for him to piss in balloons so they could sit on them in their tub, but if he didn’t provide them his services they’d be stuck cybering or just fantasizing all alone. He wasn’t a sex worker, he was on customer service. So, basically, a notch lower on the hierarchy. It didn’t matter. It paid the bills, and the rent, and the weed.

It also gave him time for his studies. First finishing Nissen and then civil engineering at the Met. He was not going to be doing this for the rest of his life, he was going to help make the city a better place to live. But all the assignments and the lectures combined meant that he could not maintain a sleep rhythm and a part time job in some café or store, and make the ends meet as well. It wasn’t easy when you had no family to support you.

So, piss balloons it was.

Actually, the balloon guy seemed kind of nice. In his forties, divorced, a surgeon at the university hospital. He paid Isak well and in advance if he asked for it. He didn’t, not often, but sometimes there were unexpected bills. Like when his laptop had broken and he had a deadline. One text to the good doctor and an hour later Isak walked out the store with a brand new laptop. He had eaten a bunch of asparagus the next day, as a special treat for his loyal and valued customer.

Isak had decided he wouldn’t take any new customers for now. The exam period was coming, his regulars were all in town at the same time and the holidays were approaching. Now that christmas didn’t mean three days of hell stuck at home anymore, Isak had kind of discovered that he was, actually, a christmas person. Secretly. So, it was the busiest time of the year for him, and he was not interested in new tasks on his ever growing to do -lists.

But the email kept bugging him. Most of the time the potential customers approached him with a direct message, looking for the katharsis of reveal, the rush of telling someone almost face to face about their deep, dark secret. So, basically, a freebie. But sometimes someone sent an email, and in most of those emails they spoke in length about their fetish, describing it to him in great detail, and then never approaching him again. Isak never answered those emails, he knew it was a waste of his time. He’d never see a cent from those bastards. But this time, he had gotten a rare email. A message full of shame and secrets. There was a need between the lines, a compelling, desperate need, that had forced the man write him the email and beg for understanding.

He had also agreed to pay in advance. Let’s not kid ourselves here, that was a huge big bonus. Isak had told him he might not be able to fulfil his request, and the down payment was non refundable, and the guy had been okay with that. So here Isak now was, in the tram, on his way to the better part of the city. He had brought a textbook with him to read on the way, but his thoughts kept wandering off so he gave up early. He just stared out the window and waited for his stop. It was dark outside, the first snowfall had not arrived yet. Isak really hoped it would come soon. Some light in this darkness would be nice.

As Isak entered the building he was kind of impressed. It was one of those fashionable houses, no rental apartments and the prices off the scale. His potential customer was more than well off. Or up to his ears in debt. Often both. Isak took the stairs to the fifth floor and glanced at the name on the door. Bech Næsheim. Maybe he had a roommate? Isak checked the time, and the address, and concurred that this was the time and the place. He rang the doorbell.

“Holy shit”, Isak breathed when the door opened and he saw who it was. He composed himself quickly, rubbed his lips and shook his head. Bad, bad sex worker Isak, discretion is key. But that man in front of him was EvenStarr. Isak had seen every single one of his videos, they were amazing.

“I’m sorry”, Isak said quickly. He was not in the position to become starstruck. EvenStarr was not the only famous person he had as a customer, but he was the hottest motherfucker Isak had ever seen. But he was a professional. He had to be. “I was out of line. I promise that will not happen again. I’m Isak, and I’m here for you.”

“I should hope so”, the man said. He glanced at the hallway, but Isak was the only person there. The man shook Isak’s hand, rather awkwardly. There were no common guidelines in how to act when you met your prostitute for the first time. “Call me Even. Come in, please.”

Isak entered the apartment. It was a nice apartment, huge rooms, high ceilings, big windows and a nice view. Expensive, oh yes. Immaculately clean, too. Probably by hired staff, judged by Even’s messy and greasy hair he wasn’t the type who would scrub their floors this meticulously. But looks could deceive you, Isak knew that.

Even seemed different, though. From all the others. Isak had seen many kinds of nervousness, and anticipation, and badly hidden heat, but this was new to him. Even seemed like he was waiting for a punishment, not a reward. He hadn’t mentioned to Isak what exactly it was that he wanted from him, but that wasn’t unheard of. Some people wanted to talk about these things personally, without a digital paper trail leading back to them.

“My name is Isak. How can I help you today?”

That was what Isak thought he did for a living. He helped people. People like Even. Who seemed still unwilling to make his request. Isak sat down on the arm rest of the white sofa.

“I can tell you my rules first, if you’d like?”

Even nodded. Isak nodded too.

“I will not touch you. You can’t touch me. That’s the first rule. There will not be any physical contact between us at any point, not even by proxy. I am not beating you with anything or tying you up. You can do either or both to yourself.”

Even nodded again. He didn’t seem disappointed. That was a good sign.

“The second rule is that I can leave any time I feel like it. I promise you, if you follow all my rules I will not have to leave, and I won’t.” Isak licked his lips quickly. It was bothering him a bit, that Even was so hot and brilliant. But a perv was a perv, and Isak didn’t judge any of them. “Third, I will not let you masturbate while looking at me. Like,  _ me  _ me. If you want to see me squish tangerines under my bare feet that’s okay. It’s not personal, you see? If at any time I feel uncomfortable with you watching me and touching yourself I will ask you to stop, and if you don’t stop immediately, I will leave.”

Even kept listening to him without protesting. So, he was an actual perv after all.

“Four, no pictures. Ever. I can take pictures of you if you want me to, but no part of me will be in them.”

“Five, no other people unless we agree on it in advance. Six, no discounts or refunds. And, most importantly, rule number seven: full discretion. And that goes for the both of us. I am here to make your dreams come true, but you must keep our sessions to yourself. If you pass me by in the street, you will not acknowledge me. We are strangers outside this room.”

Isak took a card from his wallet and placed it on the coffee table in front of him.

“This is a list of all the rules I just mentioned. I know it’s hard to remember all of them, especially when you’re nervous, but they are present for both of us. For our safety. I am an experienced professional, and I guarantee you are safe with me. Just the way you are. With me, you can be the true you.”

Still, Even said nothing. Isak let him take his time. It wasn’t unheard of. Many of his clients were shy at first. Ashamed. That was what Isak could sense in this room, the air was thick of it. Shame. It tasted like metal on Isak’s tongue.

Finally Even took a piece of paper from his pocket. It was just a sheet of printer paper, folded twice. He handed it over to Isak.

“I would like you to read this aloud to me.”

Isak took the paper, puzzled and intrigued.

“And?”

“That’s it. Just read it to me, like lines.”

“New rule: I will not call myself names for you.”

Even nodded. Then he just waited. Isak unfolded the paper slowly and carefully. His hands didn’t shake one bit, he was a fucking professional. He could hide his inner turmoil completely.

The paper was scribbled absolutely full. Isak had to squint a bit to be able to read it, the handwriting got bigger and smaller randomly and sentences were shoved everywhere they could be fit. It reminded Isak of the journals of serial killers he had seen pictures of online. But as those had been filled with hatred towards the world and everyone in it, this paper was seeping very focused hatred. It was so thick and black that the paper almost felt sticky.

Isak had another customer who had a tiny dick and wanted Isak to talk trash about its size. But that was different compared to this. This didn’t seem sexual at all. Sure, piss balloons didn’t seem like that either, at first glance, but when he thought about it it kind of made sense. This did not. There was no way someone would be turned on by this, was there?

Well. Isak was about to find out. He raised his eyes from the paper and saw Even had sat down on the floor, hugging his legs.

“Shall we start our session now? Or is there something else you would like to tell me first?”

Even shook his head. Suddenly the tall man seemed really small. Isak nodded. He was a professional, and this was exceptionally simple for a gig. Just read aloud from a piece of paper. It was just that Even seemed really upset.

“If you want me to stop just say so. Or raise your hand. Okay?”

Even nodded. Okay. Isak had done all he could do. Now it was time to do his job.

“She was lucky to get out before you destroyed her.”

As Isak read the first sentence Even winced. Isak licked his lips quickly and continued.

“You poison everything you touch. Your very presence sucks the life and energy out of people. You eradicate joy.”

Even made a tiny little sniffle. It sounded like he was holding back. Isak paused.

“It’s okay”, he said quietly. “You’re safe to be whatever you are with me.”

“Keep reading.”

Isak obeyed. He read the whole thing, line by line, scribble by scribble. Some words he couldn’t really make out, but the context was easy enough to decipher, and Even didn’t seem to mind him possibly rephrasing a word or two. The message was the same. Isak was sitting here, telling Even in a calm and assertive voice, that Even was basically human waste. Toxic pollution kind. And to Isak’s experience and understanding Even wasn’t enjoying hearing it, at all.

When Isak was finished Even had curled up into a ball on the floor. His long legs were pulled tight against his chest, and his arms looked almost too skinny, clenching his whole body. Isak could see a couple of bruises on Even’s upper arm and now understood how they had formed. Even had held himself together too hard.

They were silent for a moment. Isak let Even be the one to speak first. When he did, Isak could barely hear him.

“I paid you already, right? You can leave now.”

Isak pressed his feet on the floor and pushed himself up from the arm rest. He walked to his shoes and slipped them on without saying a word. He had said enough already. Not his own words, but still, plenty.

“Thank you”, Isak heard just as he was pressing the door shut. The lock clicked before he could stop the motion, and just like that he had left the apartment.  Isak walked down the stairs and to the street. He waited for the tram and when it arrived he stepped on board. He watched the house through the window until the tram turned a corner and the house disappeared.

That, Isak thought, had not been sex. He was a sex worker, not a -- whatever the hell that had just been. If Even approached him again, he would have to turn him down. Isak buried his nose deeper under his scarf and shoved his hands deep into his pockets. His fingers met paper. Isak didn’t need to take it out to know what it was. He had taken the script with him by mistake.

Isak glanced at it to make sure. Yes. Those hateful words were burning his fingers. Isak wrinkled the whole thing into a tight little ball, tighter than Even had turned into. He would not go see that man again. It wasn’t good for either of them. He had learned a lot about boundaries during these two years, and he knew many had been crossed today. Both ways.

As Isak raised his eyes to the window he saw the first snow had started to fall. It covered the city slowly, gently, like a mother pulling a blanket over her child.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Even's request (remember the note at the beginning, referring to this?): he has written down his own internal voice abusing him, and wants Isak to read it to him out loud. It is not sexual, at all.


	2. Chapter 2

“Slower.”

Isak nodded. He moved his hand slower still, so slow it was barely moving. The tiny metal teeth let go of each other one by one, barely making any sound. Just the sight of two halves parting, bit by bit, splitting away. Her lips parted too, Isak could hear her heavy breathing creep between them, just as slowly as the zipper was opening. Isak pulled it all the way down and then stopped.

She was smiling, content. She pulled the zipper of her boot slowly back up and then nodded at Isak.

“The gold one. Four times, fast.”

Isak moved over to the other side of the board and grabbed the tab of the golden zipper. It was a short one, probably meant to be a fly of a pair of jeans. Isak pulled it down, quickly, and immediately back up, one, two, three, four times. She was squirming on her seat, in front of the two by two meter board with an impressive array of zippers sewn on it. Long ones, short ones, thin ones, thick ones, fine ones with teeny tiny little teeth and a couple of monsters that looked more like jaws of a beast than simple zippers. They all had a unique sound and feel, and Isak’s customer was really particular on which ones she wanted to be pulled. She had named her favourites.

“Ahab and Genevieve, gently. Finish at the same time.”

Oh, she was feeling kinky. Ahab and Genevieve were significantly different, Ahab being a collar zipper from a fisherman’s sweater and Genevieve a long, delicate one from the back of a pencil dress. Isak knew this, because she had told him, and he was good at his job. Isak opened them both, gently, pulling Ahab much slower than Genevieve, and they both were done at exactly the same time. She sighed, softly, pleased.

“You’re so good to me, darling.”

“Happy to please, madame. But our time together is sadly almost up.”

She nodded. She was aware of it, she always was. Isak had never had any problems with her. She paid what they had agreed on, she never tried to bend the rules and everything she said held. She pulled the zipper of her boot back and forth, slowly, and Isak followed her instructions for the last couple of pulls. Then the time was up and his work here done.

“Same time next week?”

She nodded.

“Leave the board where it is, thank you.”

Isak took the money from her and left the apartment. He didn’t count them. He knew there was no need to, not with her. He could just shove the bills into his wallet and leave the apartment. He didn’t even tell her that he kind of likes her latest music video. In this space, with him, she was nobody. Outside this space, they didn’t know each other. Simple, clean and safe.

Isak decided to go grab a coffee. The first snow had melted away, but the air was getting nippy again. It was biting at his fingertips and at his nose, and a hot cup of coffee to go sounded like a great idea. Isak entered the first coffee shop he came across, and the warm aroma of freshly ground beans made him smile.

That smile was wiped away when he saw who was behind the counter. His hair was tied into a badly failing tiny ponytail and his t-shirt was a couple of sizes too wide for him, his apron had a million stains on it and his whole appearance was super plain and unimportant, but Isak recognized him immediately. EvenStarr. He would have recognized him even without their session last week, and now he is really, really pissed off at himself because this meeting hadn’t happened earlier.

He could not, under any circumstance, talk to that man. He would have rushed out but there was now a line behind him, and it would have been super weird and awkward and fuck, it was his turn now. The demigod of video art looked him in the eye, and he was clearly not a trained professional in pretending to not know a person.

“Are you stalking me?” he hissed, biting his back teeth together. Isak looked over his shoulder, puzzled, then at the man hissing at him.

“I’m sorry, are you talking to me? I don’t have any idea of who you are, I just came to get some coffee. Perhaps you’re mistaking me to someone else? I’ve been told I have that kind of a face.”

Even glared at him. But luckily he got himself together and pulled up his customer service smile. It was stunning, even though it was fake.

“Yes. My bad. What can I get you?”

Isak ordered a plain coffee, black, but Even managed to talk him into getting a cup of coffee brewed with some cardamom. It smelled really good. Isak paid for it and left, without looking back at the door no matter how much he wanted to. But outside he couldn’t stop himself. He peeked through the window, between the decal letters, and from this distance Even’s smile looked totally genuine. He looked as warm as the cup in his hand felt.

It didn’t matter. He didn’t try to fool himself by thinking that maybe they could just start over. Not after what they had experienced together they couldn’t. Isak had seen Even so bare that Even simply couldn’t relax in his company, ever again. He hadn’t asked Isak to visit him again, and Isak was happy about that. If Even asked, he would have to refuse.

Isak walked forward with small slow steps and took a little sip from the cup. It tasted really warm and cozy. It was the cardamom, and apparently Even had some sort of magical talent to see exactly what kind of beverage one needed at the given moment. Sure, Isak’s sample size was now exactly 1, but something about Even made him really want to believe in magic.

He stopped. He shook his head. No. There was no way in hell it would ever happen. It could not happen. The fate had played his cards for him and now Even was forever out of his reach, only because the winter had been so late this year and not forced him to go get a cup of coffee on his way home from the zipper queen.

Funny how small things can have such a big effect.

Isak left the near untouched cup on top of a trash bin, shoved his hands deeper into his pockets and hurried his steps. His paper on 19th century road networks wasn’t going to write itself.

He was half buried under a pile of browser tabs when his work phone beeped. It was Even. He asked if Isak could call him. He had a strict policy of no unsolicited phone calls, both ways, and Even had followed that policy precisely. It was a good sign. But there was like a million red flags as well, not the least the episode at the coffee shop today. Which was probably what Even wanted to talk about anyway.

Isak looked at the twenty open tabs and his half a page of a paper. He looked at the clock. He licked his lips quickly and typed a reply.  _ Not for free. _ If that didn’t push Even off, then so be it. A phone call wouldn’t kill him. Five minutes later Even had wired him the money. Isak checked his account and picked up his phone.

“Hello?”

Even sounded adorably confused. It was like the concept of a phone call was somewhat alien to him and he didn’t know what he was supposed to do. Isak pulled up a calm, relaxed semi smile.

“Hi, it’s me. You asked me to call you?”

“Uh. Yes. Thank you.”

“No problem. Your ten minutes starts now. What would you like to talk about?”

All Isak could here was silence. And breathing. Sort of jagged? It sounded like Even was trying to breathe normally but couldn’t.

“Are you okay?”

Nothing. Just that dragging struggle for a breath.

“If you don’t respond I’m hanging up and calling an ambulance for you. I have your address.”

“I don’t want to talk.”

Isak licked his lips quickly. He didn’t want to talk, but he wanted to call. Okay.

“Do you want me to?”

“No.”

“Okay.”

They were silent. Isak put the phone on speaker because holding it against his cheek felt too intimate. Like Even was breathing on his skin. Isak laid the phone down on the table as carefully as he could so Even didn’t hear it land.

Then he realized that Even couldn’t probably hear his breathing anymore. Shit. He turned the speaker off and just accepted the sudden intimacy. He let Even breathe into his ear, jagged and raw. Out of all the odd things Isak had done for money this felt somehow like the most shameful one. It was his own damn fault, he let Even too close. He should just hang up and refund.

He didn’t. No refunds. And he didn’t have the heart to hang up on someone who asked for so little of him. Isak glanced at the clock. Five more minutes. Isak listened to Even and tried to see the warmly smiling boy behind the counter instead of the broken thing curled up on the floor. He couldn’t. All he could see was the bruises on Even’s upper arm, his fingertips pressing hard between them to make new ones.

If there only was something he could say.

He knew there wasn’t. Even seemed to be much, much further in the depths than Isak had ever been, but he knew something about the waters Even was in. He would have to be so, so careful, or Even would pull him under the surface too.

What? No he wouldn’t. He was a client, this was a job, and all Isak knew was Even was getting off right now. That wasn’t a sob he was trying to hold back, but a moan. Right?

Even hung up the very moment the ten minutes had passed.

About five minutes later Isak finally lowered the phone from his ear. His arm was aching from holding it up for so long. He didn’t mind the pain. It seemed appropriate. It seemed minor. It felt like an echo.

He should block Even’s number. But he had paid him two grands for ten minutes of breathing on the phone. If Even kept this up Isak could finally book that summer trip to London he had been dreaming about. He really wanted to experience the subway system first hand.

There might have been material for a psychology essay or two about how Isak wanted to go to London and all its wonders and then spend a week underground.

Isak shook his head and got up from his chair. He needed a break. He went to the kitchen and poured some water in his coffee maker. He opened the cupboard, spooned the coffee grounds in the filter and, just on a whim, added a pinch of cardamom on top of them. Five minutes later Isak was sitting on the window sill, a hot mug between his hands, looking at the constellations of christmas lights on the dark windows.

He should block Even’s number. He’d send him a short message explaining him why and then he’d continue living his life without a huge risk constantly present. It was for the best. London would still be there a couple of years later. Isak saw someone enter the apartment building across the street and decided, that if the lights turned on in an apartment without christmas lights in the window it would be a sign to close this door before it was opened too far.

He waited. The lights in the staircase lit up and Isak could see the dark figure of someone walk up the stairs. He saw an apartment door open, and he saw the electric candles on the window, glowing their warm white light, vigilant guards against the dark December.


	3. Chapter 3

Isak pulled his heel up on the edge of his chair, leaning his chin on his knee. He hugged his own leg while looking at the screen. At the message Even had sent him. It was a short and simple one, and clearly stating what Even wanted, but still Isak had a hard time trying to understand why Even had sent it.

_ I wish to purchase your time for a full week. I want three hours of contact with you during that time, and with the rest of it you may do as you please - except take any other customers. I want exclusiveness. I can pay you 50 % extra of what you estimate you would make in a week. _

Isak had already decided to take the deal. Now he was simply trying to come up with a reason he could accept. It was the end of the semester, and he did have two big deadlines and one exam left. He could use the extra time, and the extra cash. The week between Christmas Eve and the New Year’s Eve was the quietest time for his business, all the perverts were surrounded by their families.

He checked the online system for free hotel rooms around Christmas. A suite in the Plaza was the only thing left available, and even that probably due to a cancellation. After a couple of clicks Isak had booked it for three nights, for a ridiculous amount of money. Now he had a place to shove his father and his new wife in, and a reason to accept Even’s offer. Win-win.

Isak texted his father. While waiting for the response he replied to Even’s message, letting him know he agrees to take the deal and the sum Even now owed him. It was a hefty one, and it occurred to Isak only now that Even might refuse after seeing it. But he didn’t. Even replied with a simple OK, adding that he would contact Isak later about those three hours. Isak checked his account and saw that Even had already transferred the money to him.

The thought of turning down any other orders felt a bit bad. He knew how important his services were to his clients, and if he didn’t serve them they might find someone else. But he knew that at least four of his regulars would stay loyal to him, and that was enough to support him while he collected a new customer base. Sure, he’d have to be frugal for that time, but he would manage.

It took his father until evening to text him back. He was sorry to tell Isak that they were leaving the country for Christmas. A week in Thailand. Isak sighed and put his phone away without replying him. So, now he had a non-refundable last minute paid-in-advance reservation at the Plaza with no use for it. Great.

As the rush of the amazing job offer and a strike of luck hotel reservation subsided, Isak had some time to properly think about things. Isak “no attachments” Valtersen had just offered himself exclusively to one person. A client, not less. It was against his every principle to accept Even’s offer, and yet he had done so with such ease. Without really thinking about it. Why the hell had he done something that stupid?

Well. It was good money. It didn’t mean anything, not real commitment, Even had no way of knowing if Isak kept his end of the deal or not. He could serve other customers if he wanted to, as long as the appointments left him free for the three hours Even wanted to be with him in person. It was okay, and it didn’t mean anything, and Isak was definitely not letting Even get under his skin or in his pants in any way at all.

The next day Even contacted him again. He told Isak that he had no preference for when their three hours would take place, and that Isak could choose. It was a bit odd. It was so close to Christmas, people usually had places to be and people to see.

_ She was lucky to get out before you destroyed her. _

Even had called him just to hear him breathing.

Isak wasn’t stupid. He could connect these dots. Even had nobody. It was nearly Christmas. Isak didn’t really think things through, he just went ahead and asked Even to meet him in the lobby of the Plaza. Six o’clock, Christmas Eve. Yet again, Even was quick to agree. He didn’t even ask why. Neither of them had no better place to be at six o’clock on Christmas Eve, and remembering how fucking broken Even had been on their first appointment gave Isak a hollow, metallic feeling at the bottom of his belly. If they had similarities in one accord, they could be similar in other ways as well.

Something in Even struck a chord in Isak. A tone he had tried really hard to forget, but it still stuck in his head every now and then like a persistent earworm. Isak knew this was a bad idea, but that was why he wanted to meet him at the hotel. It was neutral ground. It was no man’s land, just a temporary resting place. After Even had left he could stay in the suite for the rest of the holidays and just pretend he was someone else. He hadn’t resorted to that in years, but now might be a good time for it.

Isak glanced at his screen. He clicked at the tab where he had EvenStarr’s channel open. He spent the next hour just watching the videos for the millionth time. EvenStarr wasn’t fully visible in any of them, just a flash of his lips in one and one eye in another, but Isak had seen them so many times, scrutinizing them frame by frame, that he had recognised the man immediately when he had seen him.

He hadn’t been this expectantly anxious about Christmas Eve since he was five years old.

 

The Plaza was beautiful. There were christmas lights and an elegant large tree, covered in decorations. The lobby wasn’t busy at all, most of the people checked in here were already at their gatherings. With their families and loved ones, and for the luckiest ones those were the same people. Isak was alone, waiting. He couldn’t check in his suite alone, he had reserved it for two people. Now he just had to hope Even would actually make their date.

Fifteen to six. Isak glanced at the bar. He really could use a drink right now, but he never drank on the job. He could come down here when Even left. He would probably need the drink more then.

Isak took out his phone. A message from his father, wishing him a merry Christmas. Isak didn’t bother replying him. Instead he opened the conversation with Jonas two days ago. Jonas was sorry he hadn’t contacted Isak in two months but there had been problems with the reception and masts and the crew’s phones had been practically really expensive calculators and flashlights. The satellite phone had been exclusively for the director, producer and the stars, and since Jonas was just an intern animal handler he had about zero privileges on set. He had sent Isak awesome pictures of the jungle, and Isak had sent him pictures of darkness dotted with christmas lights. They were having a black Christmas in Oslo this year. That first snow had remained the only snow, and it had melted away days ago.

Isak looked out the window at the black streets and saw Even. He looked incredible. And fragile. He had wrapped himself inside a thick winter coat and a long woolen scarf, going around his neck multiple times and burying his face under it. A thick knit hat deep on his head. Isak recognised him from his eyes, and his impressive height. And something else. Something about the way Even carried himself, how it looked more like dragging.

Isak went to meet him at the door. He explained the situation with the room and luckily Even had his ID with him so they could check in without any problems. The elevator ride upstairs was a bit awkward, it was so long and so quiet, but Isak was now with his customer. He was doing what Even wanted from him, and apparently Even wasn’t feeling chatty.

After the ride Even stepped out of the elevator and looked around. He located their room and opened the door for Isak with his keycard. The room was breathtaking. It was luxurious and immaculate, and the bed looked so comfortable. It was also huge. Big was nice, Isak was often tossing and turning in his sleep.

“Um. Do you wish to spend the whole three hours in one go, or split it somehow?”

“One go, please.” Even was so polite and business like. This was a business transaction, Isak knew it. It was just easy to forget when standing in this beautiful suite with that view over all the christmas lights across the city, EvenStarr’s profile against the dark sky behind the window.

“Okay”, Isak said. “What would you like to do?”

Even undressed. He hung his coat and his scarf in the closet. Isak did so too, and he pushed his bag in there as well. Out of sight. He had planned to eat himself full during the complimentary breakfast and just make some cup noodles in the suite if he got hungry, and he didn’t want Even to see his rations. It was such a crude contrast, this suite and the glaring plastic wrappers. It was really odd, how uncomfortable Even made Isak. Self conscious. Like he was a fucking teenager again.

Isak didn’t want to ask Even again. He just watched Even continue undressing. He removed his hoodie and folded it on a chair. Then he took off his button up plaid shirt. Isak chuckled when he saw the picture on Even’s t-shirt. It was a picture of a painting, depicting Jesus Christ on the cross.

“That’s counterintuitive, isn’t it?”

“Excuse me?”

Isak blushed. Why was he blushing?

“Your shirt. Since he is being born tomorrow and all.”

Even looked down. Didn’t he know which shirt he was wearing? He had to check?

“Heh. I see.”

The budding conversation withered away again. Isak didn’t mind, because as Even took the t-shirt off Isak kind of forgot all the words he had ever learned in his life. They were replaced by something older. Something carnal. His breathing was getting caught in his throat, and that made him remember their phone call. That did it. He was yanked back in the reality, in this room, where he was at work and Even was his client.

“Would you like me to undress too?”

Even shrugged. Isak decided not to. He usually didn’t work undressed, and if it wasn’t going to really make a difference for Even he didn’t bother. Isak just stood there and watched Even remove his clothes, piece by piece. His socks. His jeans. His long johns, and finally his trunks. Even was naked, framed by the window, against the incredible backdrop of the view over the city. He was so beautiful. He looked so sad.

Isak really wished Even would just tell him what he wanted from this. From him.

“I’m starting to feel uncomfortable”, Isak said quietly. He knew Even remembered the rules. That if Isak was uncomfortable, he would end the session immediately. “You need to communicate with me. It’s for both of our safety.”

Even turned around. He looked out the window, at the scenery. He pressed his bare skin against the cool glass. Isak’s heart was pounding in his ears. He knew that the window must have been made to last something like that, but still he was scared it would shatter and Even would fall.

“Have you been with any other customers?” Even asked. Isak shook his head.

“I haven’t. We had an agreement, didn’t we? I am a professional.”

Even nodded. His cheek rubbed against the smooth glass. Isak took just one little quick peek at his bare ass. It was spectacular, just as he had expected it to be.

“And you can trust me. You can tell me what you want. I am here for you.”

Even nodded again. He closed his eyes. Isak knew he was considering. Trying to find the right words.

“That’s it”, Even finally said. “That’s what I want from you.”

“I’m sorry?”

“Just. Be there. For me.”

Isak still wasn’t very comfortable with this. But Even was so fragile. He was hanging by a thread at that window, and Isak didn’t want to be the one who cut it.

“Okay.”

So, Isak walked to the bed and sat down on it. He crossed his legs and settled there comfortably. He took his phone and turned it off. He was now here for Even, for three hours straight.

“Just tell me if you want anything, okay?”

“I will. Thank you.”

It was a long three hours. Isak had nothing to do, he just sat there. Even moved around the suite. He walked from the window to the chair and sat down. He left the chair and laid down on the floor, curled up into a ball. His very presence filled the room slowly, bit by bit, making the air thick and breathing bothersome. It was like sitting inside a dark cloud. The source of that darkness was Even. It was seeping out through his pores. Isak was sort of happy that Even was able to let it all out like this instead of sealing it inside him all the time.

Three hours passed. Even got dressed without saying a thing. He walked to the door.

“Even?” Isak said. Even paused, his hand on the door’s handle. He looked at Isak, raising his brow. Isak licked his lips quickly. “Merry Christmas.”

Something tugged at the corner of Even’s lips. Then he nodded, opened the door and closed it behind him. The darkness was lifted from the suite. Isak looked at his reflection on the window. He could see the distant lights shine through his ghostlike image.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sadly, I have no idea about the decorations at the Plaza. I tried to do some research but decided to wing it.


	4. Chapter 4

It was a spur of a moment thing. Isak had been laying in bed in his lavish suite and trying so hard to pretend it was his normal life. That he was someone else, someone whose life included 1200 thread count egyptian cotton sheets and 24 hour room service. Then he had gotten hungry. Nothing breaks a spell like a steaming cup of noodles. Isak slurped them up, and looked at his image in the windows, and felt so much like crap that he got stupid.

He texted Even.

It wasn’t anything serious. He just noted that the suite came with a complimentary breakfast, and since Even still has his keycard, he could go grab some tomorrow morning. He also mentioned that he was aiming for nine thirty himself. He kept telling himself he mentioned it just so that Even could avoid being there around that time, if he didn’t want to see him.

Even didn’t text back. Isak didn’t expect him to. He was actually relieved he didn’t. It would have complicated things further. Isak didn’t need complicated in his life. He needed a break, that’s it. And this was him, having a break, all alone in a hotel room on Christmas Eve at twenty past eleven in the night. Fa la fucking la. Isak put his empty cup on the night stand and fell on his back across the pillows. They were so fluffy and firm at the same time. Really nice pillows. Isak fished one out from under his back and pressed it on his face. He screamed. As loud as he could.

Isak woke up with the pillow still on his face. All he could smell were the noodles in his own breath. He shoved the pillow away and took a deep, cleansing breath. His throat felt sore. Isak fished his phone in his hand and checked the time. 5:15.

No messages.

How long would he keep feeling disappointed whenever he checked his phone?

He pulled himself up. His back was killing him at first, for sleeping sideways and with his feet still on the floor, but by the time he had dragged himself in the bathroom it was okay again. He didn’t turn the lights on. He didn’t feel like seeing his image on the mirror. So he just fumbled in the dark until he found the complimentary travel set, complete with a toothbrush and a miniature toothpaste. He brushed his teeth until he couldn’t taste the mint anymore. Just a hint of blood.

Spit. Rinse. Repeat.

Isak returned to the bed. He just fell flat on it, on his face, and as he made contact with the mattress he remembered he hadn’t taken his meds. Fuck. He really didn’t feel like getting up again. He was so tired. He set his alarm for 9:00 and closed his eyes. Being miserable was fucking exhausting.

Resilient beeping pulled Isak out of his sleep. It was his phone. His alarm. He turned the snooze on and yawned. He was freezing. Sleeping in your clothes without covers was always a bad idea. Skipping your evening meds wasn’t that grand, either, but it was too late to feel sorry about that. Isak didn’t take them now, either. In addition to keeping his anxiety at bay they made him a bit drowsy. That’s why he took them before going to bed.

Besides, he was barely awake, and he already knew his anxiety would push through anyway. He felt so abandoned, really. He was finally a Christmas person, and here he was, alone in a hotel on Christmas Day. Even his father had left the country just to get away from him.

No. Cheer up, idiot. It’s Christmas. Isak took his phone and pulled up his playlist. Christmas music. He put it on and went to get his bag so he could change his clothes. All I want for Christmas is you, Mariah Carey cooed, and by the second chorus Isak was humming along. He even did a little booty shake. The music lifted his spirits so well that he decided to bring it with him. It was probably rude to wear headphones during a nice Christmas morning breakfast, but Isak had a pair of discreet bluetooth earbuds that he could practically hide under his curly hair. He slipped his phone in his jeans pocket, put his keycard in his chest pocket so his phone wouldn’t erase the magnetic strip and headed for the elevators.

He headed for the restaurant where the breakfast was served. He let the butler scan his keycard and entered to find a table. The dining room was beautiful. There were real flowers on the tables, and live candles. Isak couldn’t hear the grand piano over his own music, but he was sure the playing was pleasant. He could have turned his playlist off, but his favourite song had just started playing.

_O helga natt, o helga stund för världen_ _  
_ _då Gudamänskan till jorden steg ned_

Isak stopped, mid step. There, at a table by the window, was Even.

_ För att försona världens brott och synder _ _  
_ _ för oss han dödens smärta led _

He looked like he had been carved on thinnest glass. The candles lit his face, giving it a glow, and his hair looked like spun from gold.

Isak couldn’t fucking breathe.

_ Och hoppets stråle går igenom världen _ _  
_ _ och ljuset skimrar över land och hav _

Even was eating scrambled eggs. They looked really tasty, and Even seemed to be pleased to be eating them. There was warmth on his face Isak hadn’t seen before. Satisfaction. It really suited him.

_Folk, fall du neder, och hälsa glatt din frihet_ __  
_O helga natt, du frälsning åt oss gav_ _  
_ _O helga natt, du frälsning åt oss gav_ __

__

Isak wanted to stay here forever. To look at Even, this beautiful, this at peace with himself Even, who was just happy to be eating his eggs in a beautiful hotel restaurant. He looked like he belonged here, in his slim cut pressed trousers and a blazer that looked like it was tailored for him. Isak fondled at the hem of his button up plaid shirt and felt appropriately underdressed and frumpy. He should just head back to his room before he ruined that pretty picture with his presence.

__

Isak was about to turn away. But then Even looked up. He saw Isak, and he -- smiled? Isak couldn’t turn away from that smile. He needed to see it up close. So, he walked to Even’s table and sat down. Shit, was he supposed to sit down? Was he intruding?

__

“Hello”, Isak said. He saw Even reply and realized he didn’t hear a thing. He yanked the earphones off, blushing. “Sorry, what?”

__

“I said hello.” Even was smiling. He seemed to be in an unusually good mood. Why?

__

“Ah. Yes. Sorry. I was listening to some holiday tunes.”

__

“So, you’re those people?”

__

“Uh. What people?”

__

Even kept smiling. He had been smiling so long it started to look like a mask.

__

“Those people who call Christmas the holidays.”

__

Isak nibbled on the edge of his bottom lip for a second. Even had got it so wrong.

__

“No. I’m not. I love Christmas.”

__

Even looked around them.

__

“Love it enough to spend it in a hotel -- in the city you live in?”

__

Shit. He thought Isak was a liar. Isak swallowed, hard. He was about to cry. Why was he about to cry? Fucking chemistry.

__

“That’s just it. It’s Christmas, and everyone I know is out of town, and I’m just so alone --” Isak’s voice cracked. He stopped talking. He pushed his chair back and stood up. “I’m sorry, I’ll just go now.”

__

Even placed his hand on Isak’s hand. Isak stopped. Everything in him stopped moving, his thoughts included. After way, way too long he looked at Even. Even was looking at him. He wasn’t smiling anymore.

__

“You’re not alone.”

__

Isak looked at their hands. Then he looked at Even again. This was not good. This was not safe. For either of them.

__

He sat back down.

__


	5. Chapter 5

Isak spent the entire breakfast staring at Even’s lips and beating himself up about it. He didn’t remember what he had eaten. He had just gathered things on his plate, following Even’s recommendations, and shoved the food in his mouth like a machine. Even’s touch was still burning on the back of his hand. It was so weird. Even had touched him, like really touched him, not like a handshake or a random brush passing him by. Touched him.

It had taken Jonas years to be able to hug him longer than half a second. Isak just didn’t like to be touched. He had no idea why. His therapists had been trying to get him to poke at part inside him but he had refused to. It worked for him. It was easy to avoid being touched. He could even have sex with people without touch, and get paid for it. He was doing just fine. Being touched was a small step away from connection, and that was the same as anchoring, which was the same as imprisonment, and Isak preferred his freedom.

He had sold his freedom to this man, sitting across the table from him, eating croissants with jam and butter. This hotel was just a gilded cage. Isak pulled his napkin off his lap and threw it on his plate, rushed up on his feet and muttered an apology to Even before he practically ran out of the dining room and into the elevator. He didn’t understand how bad that move was before the doors closed behind him. He was trapped. Again.

Isak pressed his forehead against the mirror and looked deep into his eyes. They were huge black bottomless wells. He was falling into them, spinning, out of control. He made a small startled scream when the elevator plinged and the doors opened. Isak spun around and stared at the opening, the hallway flooding with light, and made a desperate jump as the doors started to close.

He had no recollection of how he made it into the suite. His next lucid moment was him sitting on the bed with his meds on his palm, the way the pills clacked against his teeth as they rattled down his throat. He didn’t need water to take them, they were small and smooth. Isak laid down on his back on the bed and closed his eyes. He listened to his heart thumping in his ears.

The door opened.

“Hello?”

It was Even. Isak covered his face with a pillow. He was too embarrassed to look at him. Or be looked at by him. It was too much. Even was too much, and Isak had invited him here himself.

Something was placed on the bed by Isak’s head.

“You forgot your headphones. Here.”

Even’s voice was so substantial. Isak could almost feel it pour over him like crude oil. It stuck to his feathers and pulled him under water.

Isak was drowning.

“Help”, he whispered into the pillow. Even didn’t hear him. There was no way for him to. The lush padding sucked all the sound into itself. Isak heard the door close again. He held his breath until he saw black spots and shoved the pillow off his face. He looked on the bed beside his head. There were his headphones. And a keycard.

“Even!” Isak yelled at the closing elevator doors.

Even slapped his hand between them at the last moment. He pushed the door open and looked at Isak. Isak tried to ask him to stay but he couldn’t. The back of his hand was burning and stinging.

He watched Even step out of the elevator. The doors closed behind him.

“Do you need more money?” Even asked. Isak shook his head, laughing with barely any sound.

“What?”

“You’re trying to sell me your services, aren’t you? We agreed on three hours, and they are already spent.”

Isak grabbed his own wrist to keep himself from shaking.

“Yes.”

Even took out his wallet and checked inside. He pulled out a couple of bills.

“This is all the cash I have on me. What does it buy?”

Isak took the money in his hand. The bills were smooth and crisp, straight from the ATM. They turned this into business. Commerce. Safe.

“An hour. Special offer.”

Even nodded. He let Isak enter the suite ahead of him. Isak sat down on the bed and folded the money away in his chest pocket. Its barely there mass was enough for Isak to tie an anchor rope around. He was grounded again. He was on the clock. He turned to look at Even, smiling.

“What would you like to do?”

Even looked around the room. His eyes locked on the bathroom door. It was open.

“I would like to take a bath. I think I saw a tub in there yesterday?”

Isak nodded. Okay. A bath. He shifted his position a bit.

“I’m not bathing you. I have rules.”

Even chuckled. Isak couldn’t tell the tone.

“I think I can manage myself, thanks. Can I leave the door open?”

“Uh. Sure.”

“Would you mind if I jacked off in there?”

Isak blushed. Why was he blushing, this was just business. As usual.

“Not at all. Is there something you’d like me to do?”

“Put some music on, maybe? It’s so quiet here.”

Isak played with his phone for  a moment. He changed the playlist from the Christmas songs. He didn’t want to associate them with Even for the rest of his life. While he was choosing the music Even undressed. He folded his clothes neatly on a chair and walked to the bathroom completely naked. He got in the tub, closed the plug and turned the water on.

“Romeo and Juliet”, Even said when the music started playing. “Good choice.”

“The app recommended the album to me a while back. I liked it. I haven’t seen the movie.”

“Oh?” Even reached his head over the edge of the tub so he could peek out through the door. “You really should. It’s a great movie.”

“Um. Okay.”

Isak couldn’t handle Even looking at him. So he got up from the bed and walked to the window. Daylight was gray and the sky full of clouds. Isak pressed his fingertips against his chest pocket. One hour. It would pass quickly.

“Isak, I can’t see you.”

Isak brushed his fingers through his hair. Shit. Okay.

“Sorry. Would you like to?”

“It kind of doesn’t feel like my money’s worth right now, you know.”

Isak closed his eyes and bent his head back. He took a deep breath.

“You can get your money back if you’re not satisfied with me.”

“Really?” Water splashed. Even turned the faucet off. “I thought you had a no refunds policy.”

Isak laughed. Briefly.

“I’m usually better at my job.”

“It’s a peculiar career choice. How did you get in the business?”

“Are you asking me how I got into sex work?”

“Well. That sounds rude. Am I rude?”

Isak leaned on the window frame. He kept looking outside.

“It’s okay. I’m not ashamed of what I do. I help people. And I am good at it.”

“Does your partner agree with your line of work?”

“I don’t have a partner. Smooth way of finding that out, by the way.”

Even chuckled. Water splashed.

“Thanks. I’m proud of it myself.”

They were silent for a moment. Then Even spoke again.

“Any particular reason you don’t have one?”

Isak sighed. This was not a good idea. This conversation was getting way too personal.

“I don’t like being touched. At all. It’s just something I don’t stand. So -- when kisses and hugs and even holding hands is out of the question, let alone anything..more, well. You know?”

Even didn’t say anything. Isak could hear the cogs turning in his head all the way from the bathroom.

“That sounds lonely.”

“Mm-hm.”

Isak wiped his eyes quickly. Fuck. Stupid Even. Isak was letting him way too close. It was a terrible idea. Even was a mess, Isak knew it from their sessions, and Isak himself wasn’t any better. They would be poison for each other. Besides, Isak didn’t want anyone in his life. He was happy as he was. It had just been a tough night and day, that’s all.

Isak heard Even get out of the bathtub. He turned around and saw Even, naked, dripping water, walk to him. He stopped before they touched, but way, way too close still. Isak’s heart was thumping again.

“Hey”, Even said. Isak blushed, without understanding why.

“Hey.”

Even looked at him for a long time. His gaze felt almost like a touch. It made Isak’s skin hotter.

“I am raising my hand to your cheek”, Even said. He didn’t move a muscle. Isak looked at him, confused. Mesmerized. “And stroking it. Lightly.”

Water was dripping from Even. He was making the carpet wet around his feet.

“I’m raising my other hand too. I’m holding your face between my hands.” Even spoke softly, in a quiet voice. He just stood there, in front of Isak, his both hands relaxed by his sides. He didn’t touch Isak one bit.

“I tilt your head just a bit and lean closer. Now, beautiful Isak, I am kissing you. This is our first kiss.”

Isak parted his lips. He looked at Even, into his beautiful blue eyes. He was shaking.

“Even --”

“It’s a really good kiss.”

Isak didn’t know what to say. He just nodded. Their first kiss, above the rooftops of Oslo, on Christmas Day, with Romeo and Juliet’s theme playing.

Not too bad at all.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: reference to self harm, themes of suicidal thoughts, possibly triggering resemblance to violence

They stood by the window for a long time.  _ Kissing. _ Even kept looking at Isak the whole time. Isak couldn’t keep his eyes on Even, his gaze kept on running away. To the door. To the wet spot on the carpet around Even. To the bed, but that was even scarier to look at so he finally just closed his eyes and waited.

Finally he couldn’t take it anymore.

“Stop”, Isak whispered. “Please. Just stop.”

Even stepped back. Isak listened to him walk back into the bathroom before he opened his eyes again. He brought his fingertips to his lips. Even didn’t touch him once, but still his lips felt numb.

This was a terrible idea. He glanced at the tv on the wall.

“ If they have Romeo and Juliet on demand and you’d like to pay for it..”

Even popped his head out of the bathroom. He had wrapped the towel around his hair like a turban.

“It’s a date.” Even retreated back in the bathroom, only to pop back out immediately. “I mean. It’s not. It’s uh. Two people watching a movie together?”

This was a terrible idea.

“Let me see if they even have it before we try labeling this thing.”

Isak took the remote and played with it for a moment. He found the movie service and after cussing for a moment at the search interface he found what he was looking for.

“They have it”, Isak said. Even emerged from the bathroom, wearing only a luxurious white bathrobe, and jumped on the bed on his belly.

“Awesome! How does it work?”

“It’s uh. Apparently it’s added to the room’s bill. It’s okay, it’s not expensive, and you have seen it --”

“Fifteen times this year.”

“Uh. Wow. Yeah. So uh, it’s not fair you pay for seeing it for the sixteenth time. It’s on me.”

“And the extra time?”

Isak nibbled at his lips for a moment. Gathering his thoughts.

“If you want me on the clock you will have to pay for it. I trust you will wire the money later if that’s what you wish.”

Even turned to look at Isak, over his shoulder. Isak pulled his legs up against his chest for his cover. This was ridiculous. He wasn’t afraid of Even. He had no reason to, either.

He pulled a pillow in his lap as well.

“If you need this to be business, it can be”, Even finally said. Isak squirmed a bit. He didn’t like this at all, being forced to form an opinion of his own about this. He was sitting on a bed with a boy who had just kissed him for fucking forever. Without touching him. And Even had done it so. Easily. Without a second thought. He had wanted to kiss Isak and he had done so in the only possible way of not violating him.

And even now, Even was just waiting. He was letting Isak think things through without any pressure or pushing. If he needs this to be business, Even had said. Did Isak need it?

“Let’s just watch the movie. Is that okay?”

Even nodded and turned to look at the TV. Just like that. Easily. No nonsense, no resistance, no bargaining. For their entire business history together Even had just accepted all of Isak’s terms. Isak took a deep breath and pressed play.

Even was right. It was a really good movie. And for its entire runtime Even kept looking at the screen. Usually, when someone wanted to show you something they enjoyed, they also kept keen eye on you so they’d see your reactions. Even didn’t do that to Isak, and for that, Isak was really grateful. He could focus on the movie, really taking it in. They spoke a bit weirdly, but he got used to it quickly and had no trouble following the plot that, in many parts, seemed really familiar to him.

Tale as old as time, right?

Even wept for every death. He didn’t wipe his eyes or hide his tears in any other way. He didn’t care Isak saw him cry, he was open and bare in a way Isak had never been to anyone in his life. A part of Isak was really jealous.

Isak blinked his tears away when Juliet woke up and discovered Romeo’s body by her side. He stifled a little sniffle. Even didn’t look at him, not once. He let Isak go through this without disturbing him. Most likely Even didn’t want to disrupt his own viewing experience, but nonetheless, Isak was grateful for the gesture.

They watched the end credits all the way through. Then the TV returned to the main menu. Even wiped his cheeks on the corner of the sheets.

“Fuck, I love this movie. Baz is amazing.”

It was odd, really. How much Even let Isak just be. The movie was over, and still Even hadn’t checked what Isak thought about it. But was it consideration, confidence or self absorbing? All of the above?

“Baz?”

Now Even turned to look at Isak. His eyes were shining. With tears, too, but there was an inner light as well.

“Baz Luhrmann. The director of this masterpiece.”

Masterpiece. Isak nodded. Okay. Even rolled on his side and looked at Isak. His eyes were so blue and shiny.

“Thank you”, Even said. Isak blinked, confused.

“Huh?” Why was Even thanking him? There was no need to. Isak hugged his pillow a bit tighter. Even scared him and pulled him towards him in equal strength. Gravity felt a lot like falling sometimes.

“For the movie. For your services to me. You have given me so much more than you could possibly know.”

Isak forced a smile on his lips at knifepoint. Smile, you stupid fuck, or you will get the blade. Isak brushed his fingertips over his ankle.

“Oh, I know. I am a professional.”

Even’s eyes were suddenly fixed on Isak’s ankle. Isak wrapped his fingers around it but it was too much and too late.

At least Even didn’t say anything.

He didn’t need to. They both knew, and Isak was feeling Even’s hands all over him. Even wasn’t even close enough to touch him, but still, Isak’s skin was crawling under those hands. His smile had slipped away to the shadows.

“I can’t --” Isak escaped the bed into the bathroom. He locked the door behind him. Even’s bathwater was still in the tub. It must have been cold by now. Isak knelt on the floor by the tub, leaned over the edge and pressed his face into the water. He pushed his head deep enough in there to submerge his ears too. He looked into the white vastness and saw the small silvery bubbles escaping from his lungs towards the surface. He couldn’t hear anything, just a formless static.

And banging.

It was really starting to get on Isak’s nerves. His wonderful peace, his bubbles getting smaller and fewer between, his static. The ever accepting embrace of water. And then this racket, seriously.

Isak closed his eyes. He opened his mouth and let the water in. He let go. His subconscious knew what it wanted to do. It always did.

Isak kept his face under water, but his hand reached for the lock. Just before things got dark he felt a click.

Light.

It was so bright. It hurt Isak’s eyes. Then something moved between them and the light source, a soothing eclipse. That something was Even’s face. He looked really angry.

“How fucking  _ dare _ you?!” Even was screaming at him. “You need serious medical treatment!”

Isak felt water drip from his hair on the tile floor. The floor was warm. Floor heating, a really nice touch. Luxury. He decided to focus on that warmth. It was his focal point, helping him keep his balance while his mind was twirling like a ballerina.

Even looked a lot like he wanted to slap Isak. But he didn’t do it. Instead he slammed his hand on the floor by Isak’s head. It made Isak jump and meep.

“Say something, asshole!”

“I have it”, Isak whimpered. His heart was beating so fast. So loud.

“What?” Even pulled his hand back and rubbed his shoulder. He looked just as scared as Isak was feeling.

“Medical treatment. I have it. Pills. My therapist is on a Christmas break but I’m going to see him next week.”

Why was he telling Even all this?

Even looked like he was suddenly deflating. He pulled back, all the way to the bathroom door and out through it. Isak heard Even gather his things, get dressed and leave the suite. He was focusing on the warmth radiating under him. Enveloping him.

He had let go. The deepest instincts inside him had been given the reigns. Stay in the tub and die, get out of it and live -- but he had chosen the third option.

Be saved by Even.

“Fucking fuck”, Isak sighed, closing his eyes.


	7. Chapter 7

Isak lowered his foot back on the floor, slowly. But it was too late. Martin looked at him over his glasses like he always did when Isak was in trouble with him. As much trouble as one could be in with his therapist, but still.

“Would you like to talk about harming yourself, Isak?”

Isak pursed his lips.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Fuck, he should have just said no. Unless he really wanted to talk about it? Well. He didn’t want to, but he knew he should. He also knew Martin would spend the entire 45 minutes to get him talk about it anyway, so he might as well get it over with. Right?

“I saw you limping when you got in here.”

“Fine”, Isak exhaled. “It’s just a couple of scratches. Not that bad, really.”

“I’m not interested in your physical wellbeing as much as in your emotional issues, you know. What did you punish yourself for this time?”

Isak crossed his arms. He didn’t feel like talking about this, at all. He knew it was good for him. That therapy worked best when it felt worst. Martin was the first therapist he’d had who actually challenged him in any way, and Isak liked that about him. Usually.

“I fucked up”, Isak said.

“All people fuck up. What did you do?”

“I let a client get too close. Way, way too close. He bought me for the whole week, and I had booked the Plaza for my father and his new wife, but they are in Thailand, so I spent the Christmas in the suite and I fucked up so, so royally.”

Martin made some notes and nodded. He asked Isak to tell him about his Christmas, and he did. He told him about the suite, and about inviting Even to breakfast, and how they had  _ kissed _ and watched a movie and how Isak had tried to drown himself in the bathtub. It sounded so fucked up when it was put into words. When Isak was finished Martin took a moment to think.

“So”, he finally said, “tell me more about this client buying you for a week. What do you mean by that?”

Isak shrugged. It was weird that Martin was disregarding his suicide attempt this easily. But Martin asked, Isak answered, that was how this thing worked.

“Exclusiveness was the term he used, if I remember correctly. He wanted me to take no other customers for the week. And he only wanted three hours of my time for himself, and that time -- I have no idea how anyone could enjoy that. I know many of my clients have peculiar appetites, but this one is. He feels different.”

“Have you seen Pretty Woman? It’s a movie,” Martin asked. Isak frowned.

“Never heard. Why are you asking?”

“Before you engage yourself further with this man, I recommend you watch it. There are many similarities that you might find interesting.”

“What is it about?”

“A prostitute, whose -- exclusiveness a rich man buys.”

“I don’t know if he’s rich.”

“He bought you with enough money to pay for the Christmas at the suite in the Plaza, Isak. I assume he has assets.”

“He didn’t buy  _ me _ really”, Isak protested. Martin tapped on his notes with his pencil.

“Your own words, Isak. Not mine.”

Isak sighed. Fine. Stupid bastard, quoting him like that. No manners at all, really. No respect.

“Tell me about the kiss.”

“Aren’t we going to talk about my suicide attempt?”

Martin tilted his head. He had a kind face, and his full beard suited him well. Isak was sure Martin had a note tucked in somewhere about him being Isak’s father’s age, too. Fuck you, Freud.

“What suicide attempt?”

Isak laughed in the man’s face. Seriously?

“The one I just told you about ten minutes ago?”

Martin looked at his notes. Then he pretended to make a discovery.

“Ah, the part where you set yourself up for your client to rescue? That’s not a suicide attempt, and I’m pretty sure you are aware of it yourself. You are troubled, not suicidal, if you ask me.”

“And I’m pretty sure that kind of talk has been the last conversation between many suicide victims and their therapists”, Isak sulked.

“If you think you are suicidal we will of course talk about that. I will also contact your doctor and assist you with getting help in any way I can.”

Isak glared at the man under his brow. What a bag of dicks.

“Fine”, he hissed. “What about the kiss?”

“How do you feel about it? I know you dislike being touched.”

“I told you, he didn’t touch me. He just. Spoke to me.”

Martin nodded.

“Yes. How did that make you feel?”

“I don’t know”, Isak sighed. “It was a grand gesture, if I’ve ever seen one. He called it our first kiss. First. As in, there will be more. It was very. Intense?”

“I’m just wondering about one thing. You don’t like to be touched, and the idea of being actually kissed is troubling you, right?” Isak nodded. Martin continued. “So. This scene he created was a symbol for an actual kiss. Does that hold value to you?”

Isak had to take a minute to figure out what Martin was saying. What he actually meant.

“Uh. I’m not sure I understand.”

“If that kiss would have never happened, would you miss it in your life?”

Isak shrugged.

“Not really, I guess. I don’t miss being touched, at all. I don’t like it one bit.”

“How do you feel about the idea of telling him this, if he tries it again?”

That was a tough question. Any question that started with “how do you feel” was. The cuts on Isak’s ankle stung a bit.

“Can’t I just hope he doesn’t try it again? It’s not even likely, really. He was very, very mad at me for that tub stunt. For a good reason.”

“And how does that feel? Him being mad at you.”

Isak got up from his chair. He limped to the window and looked out of it. The new year looked just like the old one.

“Relieved. And. Scared? He scares me. And still, every message that’s not from him is sort of a disappointment.”

“So, you miss him?”

Isak leaned his forehead on the glass. It was already dark outside. The sun set so early this time of year, and the lack of snow made the season even darker.

“Maybe”, Isak sighed. “I don’t know. I should just get back to work and my studies. You know. Move on.”

“I wouldn’t dismiss this quite so easily. You see, I think that some people we meet push us off balance. And those encounters, those people, drive change. You have been visiting me for a long time now, and my professional opinion is that you could use some change.”

“The atomic bombs in Hiroshima were a change.”

Martin chuckled.

“Yes. They changed the world, and wars, forever. Do you consider this man an equivalent of a nuclear weapon?”

“The sun is a nuclear weapon.”

“What do you mean by that?”

Isak turned to look at his therapist. He felt a bit of draft at the back of his neck.

“That nothing is just one thing. Nobody is. Everything is complicated.”

Martin smiled and nodded. He gathered his notes in a neat pile on his knee.

“On that note, our time is up. Your homework is to watch that movie and look for the similarities.”

Isak groaned. Fiiiine. He was feeling restless. It was probably the lack of sleep. He hadn’t been sleeping more than two hours a night ever since his incident with Even. He would have to go grab some beers on his way home. A can or two with his sedatives should do the trick and knock him out.

“Same time next week?”

Martin nodded and made a note in his calendar. Isak made a note with his phone. Two notes. One for the appointment and one for the movie. Pretty Woman.

“I’m not a prostitute”, Isak said. “I’m a sex worker.”

“I’m sorry. Is there a difference?”

Isak shook his head. There really wasn’t.

“Just a preferred term. If that’s okay?”

“Of course. I’m sorry if I offended you.”

Isak didn’t shake Martin’s hand as he left. He just nodded and said goodbye and see you next week, and thank you. Then he left. It was cold outside, but still no sign of snow. The streets were dry, at least. Isak hated slippery sidewalks. He pulled the zipper of his coat up and headed for the store.

After long consideration at the beer shelf Isak had managed to convince himself that it was best to buy a six pack. It would last him all week, and it was easier to carry. It had a handle and everything. Isak took it from the shelf, put it in his basket and headed for the registers. Then he realized how pathetic it would look, buying just one six pack of beer. He took a sharp turn to the fresh produce section. At least he would seem like a healthy drunk.

The cashier smiled at him. He didn’t return the smile, he just nodded and mumbled something that resembled wishing a good evening. He shoved the avocados, mango and eggplant into his backpack, took the six pack by the handle and headed outside.

“Isak?”

Fuck. Keep walking.

“Hey, Isak! Wait up!”

Isak sighed. Fine. He pulled up a carefree smile and turned to face Magnus. They hung out a lot together back in Nissen, him and Jonas, Magnus and Mahdi, but after Jonas left the group had kid of fallen apart. These things happened.

“Mags”, Isak said. “Sorry, I didn’t notice you.”

Mags really wanted to hug him. But he didn’t. Instead he stood there, his eversmile withered down into a half of its usual shine, looking at Isak.

“You look like shit, man.”

Isak laughed. Awkward, much?

“Oh? Thank you, that’s really kind of you.”

Magnus looked at the six pack Isak was holding. Then at Isak, again.

“You’re not sleeping.” Typical Mags. Straight to the point, and no fucking manners.

“I am. A bit badly, but it’s okay.”

Magnus was squirming. Isak was getting kind of annoyed. He just wanted to go home, take his pills and a couple of beers and sleep. Finally.

“What?” Isak barked. A bit too hostile, but it was too late to take it back.

“It’s just. Uh. I hope you’re not planning to drink those with your medication, Issy. You are still on them, aren’t you?”

Isak wanted to yell at Magnus. At his stupid puppy dog face, open to reveal every emotion.

“That’s none of your business, really.” Isak’s voice was cold. He would deal with himself later, now he just wanted to go home and sleep.

“Isak you can’t drink with your pills. It’s not safe. Don’t you remember?”

Isak didn’t. He didn’t remember, not one time. He took the pills, drank a beer and then nothing until next morning. Sweet, sweet sleep.

“Not that I owe you an explanation, but I just need to fucking sleep for a change, okay? I’ll drink just one beer so I’ll pass out, it’s no big deal.”

Magnus was squirming again. Isak could see the struggle on his face.

“What?”

“It’s just that.” Magnus bit his lip, hard. But he couldn’t keep his thoughts to himself. That was no surprise. “Passing out and blacking out are not the same thing.”

Isak clenched his fist.

“Excuse me?”

Someone called Magnus from the end of the street. Magnus looked over his shoulder, then at Isak again.

“Just. Please. Be safe, okay?”

“Of course?”

Magnus told Isak he’d call him tomorrow and ran off. Isak finally opened his fist. His nails had left deep marks in his palm.

Blacking out? What the fuck?

He would have to call Jonas. But first he had to get home. He really needed a beer.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: blacking out, bad cut wounds

It wasn’t because of Magnus, but Isak did put all the beers in the fridge instead of opening one as soon as he got home. It was just that Isak wasn’t a teenager anymore, and room temperature beer was simply foul. He could wait a couple of hours before turning his lights off. Right?

Now, all he needed was something to pass the time. He got on his computer and checked his social media. It wasn’t all that social, really, not his personal profiles. His work profile was buzzing again. His absence had not gone unnoticed.

Isak really didn’t feel like playing the schedule game with appointments and schoolwork. He was too tired, and when he was tired he made mistakes, and booking a two hour session of breadmaking on the eve of a huge deadline was something he would not want to repeat ever again. Baking bread by hand was hard work even without the additional mental processing to be okay with making a perfect loaf of bread just so someone can fuck it into a crumbled mess.

It wasn’t that Isak wasn’t okay with his line of work. But that didn’t just magically happen. He had to put in a mental effort. He assumed that was something most sex workers did. Most days he was really good at it, too.

Fucking Martin. This was his fault. Who did that man think he was, making Isak think about things better left alone? How do you feel about this, how do you feel about that, none of your fucking business, asshole.

Isak blinked. Whoa. He really was tired. He had tried to get his doctor prescribe him something to make him sleep, but the old fart had a strict policy against “narcotic substances”. He was worried that Isak might get addicted to them.

The thought of the good doctor’s face if he knew what Isak was about to do made Isak giggle. Served him right. Isak almost wanted to call him just to tell him that he was going to mix alcohol with his medication, because he needed to get some sleep, and he had no narcotic substances in his possession.

Isak pulled his heel up on the chair. He leaned his chin on his knee, his eyes on the screen. He needed  something to watch, and the choice was obvious. EvenStarr’s channel. Isak clicked on the tab, picked a video and pressed play.

Error?

Isak tried another video. Same thing. Error fetching the content. He refreshed the page to see if that would help, and suddenly all of the videos were gone. Even had emptied his channel. All that was there was a written message stating that he is taking a hiatus to reform his expression.

What the fuck was that supposed to mean?

Isak knew EvenStarr’s art was available online from other sources too, but that didn’t feel the same. It didn’t feel like connecting with Even directly. It was inferior. He knew the videos by frame, he could play all of them in his head if he wished, but it wasn’t sufficient. He needed contact. Without actual contact.

No.

He needed sleep.

Isak got up and went to the fridge. The beers weren’t even cool yet, but he didn’t care. He took his pill bottle from the medicine cabinet and shook out two pills on his palm. He swallowed them dry and headed out to look for a bottle opener. It was in the knife drawer, at the bottom, and as Isak popped his bottle open he noticed he was holding a small but sharp fruit knife in his left hand. Hello, subconscious. Soon you’ll be put to bed.

The beer tasted foul. So Isak decided to just down it. No sipping, no tasting, just chugging it to be done with it as soon as possible. When he was done he let out a huge burp and threw the bottle in the kitchen sink. He dragged his sorry ass to the bedroom and curled up on the bed. Soon. Soon.

Isak woke up the next morning. His skin was feeling weird. Tight. Something was pulling it. His head felt heavy, and his body was sore. Isak groaned as he opened his eyes.

Blood. Blood?

He sat up on the bed. The fruit knife was laying on a patch of thick, dried up blood. As Isak moved pain shot up his arm, making him hiss and flinch. He looked at his arm and jumped. The cuts were deep. There were three of them, and they would need stitches, and he was lucky he hadn’t cut anything really important like arteries or tendons. It hurt so much it didn’t really hurt anymore.

There was blood all over him and all over the bed. What the fuck had he done? Why didn’t he remember anything? Where the hell was his phone?

Isak found his phone from under the pillow. It was luckily dry and operating normally. He remembered what Magnus had told him about passing out and blacking out, and now it would have made sense if Isak had any brain power available for that pondering. He didn’t. He just pulled up his favourite contacts and called Magnus.

Twenty minutes later Magnus rushed out of a cab and up to Isak’s door. He had an emergency medical kit with him, blessed boy. Isak didn’t remember if he had even band aids.

“Holy fuck!” Magnus exclaimed when he saw Isak’s cuts. He dragged Isak to the bathroom to clean the wounds. That hurt like hell, and even worse than that, it required Magnus touching him. Isak wanted to keep his eyes closed as Magnus examined his wounds, but he couldn’t take blind touch. He needed to see. Thus, he needed to watch, no matter how it made his stomach churn.

Finally the bandaging was done. Isak pulled his arm back and Magnus washed his hands. Isak looked at his bent neck. At the red patch on the fair skin. Magnus was really, really pissed off. Isak was just scared.

“Magnus you need to tell me what happened.”

Magnus laughed. It sounded metallic.

“I wasn’t even here?”

“But you have been.” Isak looked at Magnus, carefully, how his shoulders tightened up. “Haven’t you?”

Magnus turned around. He rolled his sleeve up a bit further and showed Isak a thin, white scar on his upper arm.

“I have wrestled a knife from you once.”

“What?” Isak could barely hear his own voice. It was so thin. “You haven’t! I would never --”

“That wasn’t the only time we had to take care of you after you mixed your meds with alcohol”, Magnus interrupted. “Most of the times you just passed out and one of us would have to skip the party to make sure you don’t suffocate in your own vomit or something. But sometimes --” Magnus paused. He hesitated. He was clearly pondering if Isak could handle what he had to say.

Isak couldn’t blame him for that.

“Your cuts are deep. They must have hurt like a motherfucker when you made them. Do you remember any of it?”

Isak shook his head. He had passed out, then woken up. Nothing in between. If his arm wasn’t hurting this much he would have called Magnus a liar.

“And is there any chance someone could have entered your apartment and done this to you while you were passed out?”

Isak shook his head again. No. No chance. His spare keys were in South America with Jonas, and his own keys were in his jeans pocket. Nobody could have come here. He could have blamed the landlord or the maintenance, but he knew. His subconscious knew.

“I need to get stitches”, Isak said. Magnus nodded. He looked so serious he didn’t look like himself at all.

“Yes. I’ll take you to the clinic. Then I come back with you and help you clean up. You can’t do that with that arm, and the painkillers will make you drowsy anyway.”

“Magnus, I just wanted to sleep. You must believe me.”

Magnus nodded. Isak could tell his heart wasn’t in it.

“You’ve been sleeping badly again?”

“More like not at all. It’s been over a week, and with everything else going on I just can’t handle it.”

Isak bit his tongue. Why had he mentioned something was going on? Magnus was like a radar, he picked up signals like that and recorded them for later. They wouldn’t talk about that  _ everything else _ right now, but it would come up later, when this crisis had been handled. Fuck.

“Can you get dressed yourself? It’s cold outside, it’s probably going to snow today. I could help you but. It’s the same, still, right? You’re the same.”

Isak nodded. It was still the same.

“I’ll try.”

“Okay. I’ll pack your things and order a cab. We’ll get you patched up and ask for something to help you sleep. I brought a textbook with me, I can hang around here for a while.”

Isak wanted to tell Magnus he was okay on his own. But that was a lie. He would need to clean his mattress somehow, and that would not be happening with only one working arm. So he just sighed and went to find shoes he could put on with one hand. The coat was trickier, and finally Isak just settled on pushing one arm into a sleeve and draping the rest of the coat over his shoulders, holding it closed with his good hand. It would have to do. And he only needed to make it out to the street and into a taxi. He managed to wrap a scarf around his neck and put a hat on his head just on time for when Magnus arrived with Isak’s messenger bag.

“Phone, charger, wallet, clean clothes. The cab will be here in a couple of minutes, we should get going.”

They took the elevator. Isak wasn’t trusting his legs right now. As Isak stepped in he turned his back to the mirror.


	9. Chapter 9

Magnus was a fucking hero. Isak wouldn’t have made it through the clinic visit without him. It might have been because Magnus had been working there for a few weeks as a part of his studies, but he was like at home there. His calmness helped Isak keep calm. And he knew the best spot to sit and wait for their turn, and which automat made decent coffee, and when it was Isak’s turn to go get patched up Magnus was allowed to come with him. He kept Isak busy by talking with him while the local anesthetic was kicking in, and showed him photos of his cousin’s kids during the stitching up. Isak barely noticed the nurse was touching him at all, and for that he was grateful.

Isak refused to talk to a doctor, though. He was too embarrassed to, and he also knew that this visit would be marked in his record and his own doctor would address it soon enough. Thus, he and Magnus left without any new meds. Isak just wanted to go home, he was so exhausted, and finally Magnus had agreed to take him there instead of trying to force him to see a doctor.

After a change of clothes Isak was feeling like a person again. At least almost. He was still tired. Being this scared was exhausting, and apparently he had blacked out instead of passing out yesterday. Isak almost fell asleep during the tram ride home, but he didn’t. Just like every night. He’d be so, so tired, he’d go to bed, wait for sleep and it would always come just almost. Just barely. Enough to turn him into a zombie but not enough to give him rest.

“Come on”, Magnus said and got up from his seat. “This is our stop.”

Isak followed him like sheep follow their shepherd. He had no idea where he was, he simply trusted Magnus. That Mags would take him home. And he did, Isak noted, he recognised his house when they reached it. He didn’t even try the stairs, they took the elevator up to his floor and Magnus handled the keys and locks for him. As soon as the door closed behind them Magnus pulled something out of his pocket.

“Here”, he said. “Some from my own stash. It’s just some mild benzos but they might help you cross the threshold.”

Isak stared at the small white paper envelope Magnus was holding. He probably looked thirsty.

“You have a stash of benzos?”

“Well. Not for myself. But sometimes my friends are in need.”

Isak frowned. He was struggling to kick his winter boots off his feet.

“But won’t you be in really big trouble if you get caught doing something like this?”

Magnus nodded.

“I will lose any chance of getting my license. Two years of studying down the drain, just like that.”

“Then why would you?”

“I wanted to become a nurse so I could help people. Your doctor is clearly making a mistake with you, and that has almost cost your life already. That’s not right. You shouldn’t have to suffer like this just because some old geezer is scared of opiates.”

Isak shrugged. He finally managed to kick his boots off.

“He’s worried I’ll get addicted to them.”

“Well, I’m worried you will die, so I win.”

Still, Isak hesitated.

“What if they don’t work with my own meds?”

Magnus scoffed.

“Like, say, alcohol doesn’t?”

Shit. Magnus had a solid point there. Isak hadn’t cared one bit of the possible side effects before, now had he?

“Well. If you think it’s safe.”

“I do. Besides, I’ll be here with you, to keep an eye on you. I will wrestle you if necessary.”

Isak giggled. He was so tired, fuck.

“I hope you won’t have to.”

“Me too. Now, let’s get you settled on the couch. I’ll clean up your bed while you’re sleeping.”

Isak tried to resist first. It wasn’t appropriate, Magnus had already done so much, it was Isak’s own mess to take care of. But Mags had none of that. He stated firmly that he was a professional, at least almost, and that he had had enough with Isak’s nonsense for one day. So, when Magnus gave him a small white round pill Isak took it and curled up on the couch under a blanket. He was so tired.

Days passed. Isak was a small ball on the couch and unraveled occasionally to take a piss or to drink and eat something half-forced by Magnus. Then he took a pill and curled up again. Every time he woke up Magnus was there, reading his textbook or doing some dishes, or playing with his phone. Finally came the morning when Isak woke up and didn’t feel tired anymore. Just groggy.

“Magnus?”

“In the kitchen. Coffee?”

“Yes please”, Isak groaned. “In a bucket.”

Magnus chuckled. It was a nice sound.

“I’m happy to hear you’re feeling alive again.”

“Barely”, Isak sighed. He unwinded himself on his back on the couch. “Thank you. I needed this.”

“You sure did. I’m sorry it had to get this far. I should have been in touch more.” Magnus emerged from the kitchen holding Isak’s coffee. It wasn’t in a bucket, but in the biggest mug Isak owned. Magnus placed it on the floor by the couch, the coffee table was too far away and too full of stuff.

“Nah. I know how it is. Ever since Jonas left it’s just not been the same.”

Magnus smiled. There was a sadness in his smile.

“I miss us. The squad. I have a new one but it’s not as great as we were.”

“Are you cheating on us with a new squad?” Isak pretended to be shocked. It felt nice. To laugh and throw a bit of banter around.

“It’s not the same thing, I swear! It won’t last past graduation.”

Isak almost said that neither did they. But he didn’t have to. Magnus thought about the same thing, and the light that had peeked into the room escaped again.

“But here you are now”, Isak said quietly. “I needed help and you came. Even though it’s likely I won’t be able to return the favor, ever.”

“I love helping people. Especially those I love.”

“You’re a fucking saint.” Isak was smiling a bit. It felt nice. It’s been a while.

“I’m not. I’m really not. Trust me.” Magnus nodded at Isak’s mug. “Your coffee’s getting cold.”

Isak let Mags change the subject. He took the mug between his hands and sipped the coffee slowly. It was still hot, but not scalding. Just perfect.

“So, how’s work?”

Isak almost splurted his coffee all over the carpet. How’s work? Magnus knew what he did for a living and him just asking about it like that was unexpected, to say the least.

“It’s. Uh. Non existent right now since I’ve been passed out for days?”

“Yeah, I know, but before all this. You still doing the same thing?”

“It’s a lot of different things, really. But yeah, I’m still doing sex work.”

Magnus nodded. Isak could see how he was squirming with curiosity, but at the same time sensitive enough to not ask for any details.

“Are you going to keep at it?”

“It’s not a career, really. It pays the bills. I help people. I get to connect with people without contact. I’m good at it. Should I continue or are you convinced enough that I don’t need rescuing?”

“Look, I had to ask. You were in a really bad shape when I ran into you.”

Isak sighed. Magnus was right. He was wrong, but also right, and Isak could absolutely not tell him about Even. Hell no. There were exactly two possible reactions to that from Magnus: judgement or enthusiasm. Isak was not in the mindset for either.

“Yeah, it wasn’t work related. It was just my fucking insomnia again. But now I feel like a new man, thanks to you.” Isak gulped down half of his coffee. It tasted so good, bitter and efficient. “I’m okay. Really. And I don’t even feel an inexplicable urge to guzzle down handfuls of benzos.”

“Hooray for that”, Magnus stated. Isak agreed.

“So. Since I’m now rested and caffeinated and my cuts are healing like they should, I suppose I can’t keep you hostage in here anymore.”

Magnus didn’t like it about himself one bit, but he was relieved. Isak could tell. He had his own life now, and he had set that aside for days because of Isak. Still, he hesitated.

“Are you sure? I don’t have anything better to do, really, I can still hang.”

“No. If you don’t leave soon we will have to talk about difficult stuff and I’m really not in the mood for it now. Are you?”

“Heh.” Magnus looked at the window for a moment. The sun was already starting to set. “I suppose you’re right. I should get home. Your mattress should be dry by now, too. I managed to get most of the blood off.”

“You really are a saint.”

“I’m really not. But that’s difficult things, and now is not the time.”

Isak nodded. He knew he should have asked tougher questions, like about where Magnus had gotten the benzos and why exactly he had them. But now he just wanted to chill. Alone. Me-time.

Magnus really wanted to hug him goodbye. Isak didn’t let him, and that was cool, because of course it was. As soon as Magnus was gone Isak rushed to find his work phone. He was disappointed when he saw no messages from Even. And delighted to see one from the zipper queen. It was time to happen to be in the neighborhood again, it seemed. He arranged an appointment with her for the next afternoon. Anticipation purred under his ribs for a bit and then settled in the bottom of his belly, curling up like a small sleeping animal. Isak stroked its fur absentmindedly with his fingertips, a slight smile tickling at his lips.


	10. Chapter 10

It had been hard to focus on his customer fully, but Isak had managed to do his job up to his - and her - high standards. As soon as he left her place Isak hurried towards the coffee shop he knew Even worked in. He couldn’t handle this anymore. He needed to see Even. Just see him, so he could know Even was still real and okay. He remembered every single name he had called Even during his first session with him, and they weren’t pretty. Isak peeked inside through the coffee shop’s window. He didn’t see Even in there, anywhere. He decided to wait for a while, to see if Even was on a break or something. He pretended to be waiting for someone and just stood there, in front of the window, and kept checking inside.

Half an hour later Isak was frozen to the bone. He had to go inside to warm up. He pulled on his mildly disappointed and slightly annoyed face, and stepped into the coffee shop. He ordered himself a black filtered coffee in a to go cup. He warmed his freezing hands around the cup and sat down next to the radiator. He also kept checking on his phone to keep his cover up, but nobody seemed to have noticed him at any point.

Even didn’t show up. Isak sat there for an hour before he realized that maybe Even was working part time, or as a temp, and therefore he might not come here all day. Or possibly he has worked the early morning shift and gone home already. In any case, it was seeming less and less likely that Isak would spot him here today. So he left. He was calling Even before he had exited the coffee shop.

Even picked up. Isak hadn’t expected him to, and at first he didn’t know what to say.

“Yes?” Even asked. He sounded cross. Isak flinched. He squeezed his phone harder.

“Hi. It’s me. Isak.”

“I know?”

Fuck, Even was  _ pissed. _ He sounded cold and distant, almost like a robot. Metallic. Isak had to stop walking before he’d get run over by a car or something.

“I just. I would love to see you. Talk. Properly. No charge.”

Even laughed. It sounded hollow. Isak’s chest felt tight. This was a terrible idea. Everything Even-related was.

“You’ve milked me dry already.”

Isak shook his head. Even was angry, sure, but now he was accusing Isak of something he had not done.

“You came to me with your money. Don’t I deserve being paid for my labour?”

“I did, yes. And now it’s gone. Everything. My credit cards are maxed out, my rent is due and I’m at the looney bin because of it.”

“Excuse me?”

“You heard me.”

Even was right, Isak had heard him. He had maxed out his credit cards, and spent his rent money, but how does that land someone at the psych ward? A part of Isak - a big part, really - was still happy to hear Even was getting help.

“Why are you committed?”

Even scoffed.

“My family forced me to come. Mom said she won’t pay my rent if I don’t come in here. Apparently spending all your money on a pretty prostitute is reason to be concerned.”

If you asked Isak, there was a lot of reasons to be concerned of Even. He was.

“I’m sorry to hear that.”

“You’re just sorry I don’t have any more money to give you.”

That was uncalled for. Isak bit his tongue briefly. Even was in the psychiatric ward, and probably medicated, and that was what had turned his voice into metal. Just that.

“I am sorry you’re not feeling well.”

“I’m feeling great! They just can’t stand me being abnormal. Conformist fucks.”

Isak didn’t say anything to that. He couldn’t. He could barely fucking breathe. Even was in the mental hospital. Isak had pulled a really stupid stunt for him and now he was at the ward. Fuck.

“Did you notice what I called you?” Even said after a moment of silence.

“A prostitute”, Isak said. He did his best to keep his voice calm and level. Starting an argument with a madman was a lost cause. “It’s not untrue.”

“I called you pretty. What do you say about that?” Even was boasting. It made no sense. He was expecting Isak to be impressed by his calling him a pretty prostitute. Seriously?

“Thank you, I guess. How long are they going to keep you there?”

“Last time it was a couple of weeks. Since I’m not suicidal this time I might get off with less.”

Suicidal. This time. Isak was feeling a bit sick to his stomach. Even was nothing but trouble. Bad news, every last bit of him. It had been a huge mistake to make this call.

“I’m sorry”, Isak finally managed to say. “I shouldn’t have called you. This is unprofessional of me.”

“You haven’t been too professional this far, Isak. Why should you start now?”

“You’re right. I haven’t.” Isak sighed, long and deep. He rubbed the bridge of his nose. “I’m sorry. I’m going to go now. I wish you all the best and hope you’ll feel better soon.”

“Stay out of bathtubs.”

Isak brushed at his injured arm with his fingertips. He bit his tongue to keep quiet about it. Even didn’t need to know that, and he probably wouldn’t want to, either.

“I’ll try. Goodbye, Even.”

Isak didn’t hear what Even said last, because he yanked the phone off his ear and ended the call. His heart was thumping too loud, too fast, and his knees felt weak. He tried to remember had he eaten today, anything else than the coffee, but he had no idea. Those past days spent under sedation made his memories fuzzy and clumped together.

It was so cold outside that Isak had to get moving. Otherwise he might have stood there at the street corner for hours more, just trying to understand what was going on. Even wasn’t well, he had known that from the first session. From the first moment he had read what Even had written, for him to say, about himself. All those horrible things, and Isak couldn’t help thinking that at least some of them were at least partially true.

He knew what it was like to live with a person who had a mental illness. He knew what it was like to have one. Isak kept walking along the streets of Oslo without a goal, just wandering around to keep warm, trying to gather his thoughts. He had finally done the right thing and said goodbye to Even. It was for the best. It fucking broke his heart and he didn’t know why, but it was best for both of them. They were better off without each other in their lives.

Isak pulled his shoulders up to cover his ears from the wind. His eyes were watering up. He had no reason to cry, it wasn’t like he had lost anything real. He had lost a customer, who had no more money to spend on him and who couldn’t have afforded him in the first place. And Even was now getting treatment he obviously needed, and Isak was. Well. He wasn’t completely alone. He had Mags. And memories of a perfect first kiss over the rooftops of Oslo.

His phone buzzed. It wasn’t his work phone, thank god, but still Isak kind of dreaded looking at it. He did anyway. It was Jonas, asking if Isak could FaceTime with him. Isak told him he was outside and his phone would die in this temperature, but that he would send him a message when he got home. Finally he had a reason to just go home, out of the cold and the brutal north wind. Isak practically ran to the nearest tram stop.

It was good to see Jonas’ face again. He had lost some weight and gotten more tanned, but he was still Jonas. Isak’s best friend. Isak was so happy that Jonas had called now, after he had rested, and not before he met Mags. But Jonas could instantly tell that his heart was breaking, and he insisted on Isak telling him about it. So he did. He didn’t say Even was a client, because Jonas still didn’t really agree with Isak’s line of work. He didn’t judge, but they had a don’t ask, don’t tell kind of a thing going.

He did, however, tell about the Christmas in the Plaza. The movie, the kiss. The bathtub and Even leaving, and he left it at that. That was more than plenty, and Jonas did his best to support him in his heartache. They agreed, that it was really adding insult to injury that Even had seemed so sensitive and considerate about Isak’s no touching policy. Jonas had to go and clean the cages, so they had to stop short, but nonetheless Isak was feeling a bit lighter after their talk.

If only he could stop worrying about Even. He knew Even was alright while he was admitted, but he would get out eventually. Would he try to find some other fetish whore to read aloud for him, or would he just settle for repeating those words inside his head or in front of the mirror? Why did Isak refer to himself as a whore? It had stung when Even had called him a prostitute, pretty or not. He was a sex worker, not some street walker.

He was a fucking hypocrite.

Isak took a pen and a piece of paper from the coffee table. He started writing.

Whore.

Freak.

Broken.

Defective.

Forever alone.

Bit by bit the paper got filled. The further Isak got the nastier the words became. His hand was shaking, the letters got fucked up and scrambled together, but he knew what they said. This wasn’t like him, not at all, but talking with Even and Jonas had cracked a lid open inside him. Now it was spilling out. Isak wrote faster, trying to control the flow, but he ran out of paper. He couldn’t stop to get more, he had to control this or he would be swept off with the tide.

It hurt like hell to scrape the pen over the bandages on his arm. He didn’t care. He had to get this out or drown. He wasn’t writing in any letters anymore, just lines, short angry strokes, side by side coloring the white into blue and faint, seeping red.

When he couldn’t take it anymore he threw the pen away and curled up on the floor by the couch. The hard surface felt oddly comforting, his bones and joints dug into it in a way that helped him keep himself together. It gave him borders. Edges. Sharp, ragged edges, but still enough to keep the water out.

He would not drown today.


	11. Chapter 11

Finally, Isak’s study groups and classes got back in action. Not one day too soon, really, Isak needed something else to do than obsess over Even. He had been watching his videos on other sites, and reading analyses on EvenStarr’s work. He disagreed with most of them, but he didn’t participate in the conversation. It didn’t feel fair. He was still a professional, no matter how unprofessionally he had behaved.

He was starting to get worse at his job, as well. His focus was gone. All he could think about when he was with his customers was Even. The last thing he wanted to be thinking about, really. Especially on the clock.

So, schoolwork was a welcome break. Isak hadn’t lost his interest in his subject, nor his skill to completely drown himself in research. After two weeks of classes and the deadline for his first study paper Isak was thinking about Even only like once a day instead of hourly, or every five minutes.

Today’s time to think about him took Isak by surprise. He was reading a very interesting textbook about Central Park, New York, when his study music playlist ended and the player moved on to the next list. Romeo and Juliet. Normally Isak didn’t really hear the music he was playing when he was studying, but now it pierced straight through his full on focused mode. Isak was immediately swept back into the suite of the Plaza, on Christmas Day.

He covered his mouth. No. He looked up at the wall behind his laptop’s screen, where he had taped the paper on. The paper he had scribbled full of nasty things about himself. Now that he wasn’t so emotionally distraught anymore he knew they weren’t true, or at least the whole truth, but he wanted to keep it out as a reminder of why he should not, under any circumstance, contact Even ever again. Last time had sent him to get new stitches.

Isak changed the playlist hurriedly. But the damage had been done. Even had entered his mind. Beautiful, broken, brilliant Even. Isak missed him. Or no, not him, but the image he had reconstructed in his head. The Even who popped his head out of the bathroom. The one who ate scrambled eggs in candlelight. Who moved his lips along the lines of Romeo and Juliet, probably without noticing it himself.

He looked at the note again. He rolled up his sleeve and brushed at his scars with his fingertips. They were ragged and ugly. He had botched the stitches in a crucial phase of the healing process, and would probably carry these scars for the rest of his life. It didn’t matter. It wasn’t like anyone would be around to see them anyway.

Forever alone.

Isak sighed, shook his head at himself and opened his textbook again.

_ I can afford five minutes of your time. _

Isak stared at the message. He had been making breakfast, minding his own business, getting ready to go to his class, when his work phone had beeped. He wasn’t going to check, he was running late already and whatever it was it could wait. But he took his work phone in his hand to check the time, and saw the sender, and now he knew he would be missing his classes today. He had sat down and opened the message.

Five minutes of his time. If Even only knew that he had stolen the whole day and probably half the night from him just by sending this one simple message. How much more damage would he get done in five minutes? Still, Isak knew he had to take the offer. Otherwise Even would not leave him alone for a moment.

He told Even to meet him in the library nearby. It was neutral ground and a public space with free access and peaceful nooks and corners to have a discreet conversation in. Even agreed, and Isak hurried to get ready. He packed his school things in his bag because he liked to lie to himself about doing the proper thing. After bundling up in his winter clothes Isak swung his bag over his shoulder and got going.

The library was just opened for the day, and it was still quiet. Isak stood in the lobby and waited. He squeezed on the strap of his bag with both hands, like holding on for dear life. His heart was beating so fast and so hard he was afraid he might pass out. But when he saw Even through the glass doors his heart stopped beating altogether, so on average everything was just fine.

Even entered the library. He was so. Tall. He stood taller than ever, and his eyes looked calmer. Less wild. Deeper blue. His hair was clean and he smelled really, really nice. Isak’s heart started thumping in his ears again. He didn’t dare to smile. Not yet.

“Hello”, Isak said when Even walked to him. He really, really wanted to leave, but more than that he wanted to stay. Five minutes. He could do this.

“Hello”, Even replied. He sounded a bit tense. He looked embarrassed. “I just wanted to apologize for my past behaviour. Properly. Is there someplace where we can sit down for a little chat?”

Isak almost lead Even directly to his favourite studying nook. But he was a professional with good gut instincts, and he was not going to let Even know he was here frequently. So he just shrugged and went to check the map on the wall. They got a heading from there and decided to just go look for a suitable spot.

They found one quickly. It was near the history department, it was like a booth with three walls and a cushioned bench. They unzipped their winter coats and sat down. Isak lowered his bag between his feet and kept holding on to the strap. Tightly. He needed to ground himself somehow. The booth wasn’t big, Even was close to him. Too close.

“So, how have you been?” Even asked. Isak tried to laugh a little.

“Is that what you want to spend your money on? Catching up with me?”

“Well. Since I can afford only so little of your time it’s best I get on with it, then.” Even took a deep breath. Then he blew it out, slowly. He looked at Isak. “I’m really sorry for everything. I wasn’t in a good place at all. Now I’m getting better again, thanks to my routine and actually taking my pills.”

Isak nodded slowly. Even wasn’t in a good place earlier. Isak kind of figured that out himself.

“You look better. More collected.”

Even chuckled to hide his embarrassment.

“I sure was all over the place, wasn’t I? I’m really sorry you had to witness that.”

Isak wanted to comfort him. For some inexplicable reason.

“It’s okay. I was doing my job, and. I have seen things you can’t imagine.”

“I have a vivid imagination, you know.”

Isak smiled. He almost laughed.

“Yes, you do. But really, it’s okay. I’m not traumatized or anything.” Yes he was. But it wasn’t Even’s fault.

“It’s weird, really”, Even said. He was looking at Isak with a smile in his eyes. “You make me feel so at ease. I was so nervous to send that message, and more nervous to come here, but now that you’re there and we’re talking I’m not -- I’m totally cool with this.”

Isak only wished he could have said the same. Even’s presence made his skin prickle and tingle all over, and his mouth get dry. He was not at ease at all.

“I’m happy to hear that. You seemed like you’ve been nervous enough for one lifetime.”

“I suppose I have.” Even kept smiling. He checked the time and sighed. He took his wallet out of his pocket. “My time seems to be up. Thank you, Isak. I really appreciate this. I’m not expecting you to forgive me, but I really am sorry for what happened before.”

Isak held out his hand out of habit. Even laid the bills on his palm. Isak stroked them with his thumb. Smooth and crisp, straight from the machine.

“Even, I’m not sure if I’m comfortable with you paying me so you can apologize. It makes me seem greedy.” He pushed his hand towards Even, offering the money back to him. “Please. It’s okay.”

Even took the money back from him. He paused before putting them in his wallet, arching his brow.

“Are you sure? I really don’t mind.”

Isak nodded. He was sure. He was a prostitute but even he wouldn’t charge for this conversation.

“Well then.” Even glanced at Isak’s bag, then looked up at him again. “In that case I can afford offering you a cup of coffee and a bagel or something. Have you had breakfast? I haven’t. Unless of course you’re in a hurry to be somewhere.”

Well. Isak hadn’t had breakfast.

He had to eat, right?

“I have time. I could eat something. I think there’s a café here at the library, we could give that a try?”

This was a terrible idea. Isak’s skin was crawling in panic, like hundreds of ants were crawling just under it. It was at the same time screaming to be pressed against Even and crying out in terror at the thought of being touched. Why did Even have to smell so nice? Why did his eyes have to be so blue?

“Sounds good to me. It’s a cold morning, and I had no clean long johns.”

Isak laughed, surprised.

“Why are you telling me about your underwear?”

“Look, I suck at small talk. So I talk big. Or too much, at least.”

Even’s grin was really disarming, though. Especially now that it reached his eyes as well.

“I’m not going to tell you about mine.”

“Fair’s fair.” Even got up on his feet and offered his hand to Isak. Before Isak had time to react at all he pulled it back. “Sorry. I forget. But I try.”

“It’s okay”, Isak said as he stood up. And this time, he really meant it.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was supposed to be angstier, but then I got sappy and sorta horny so here you go.

The café was small but cozy. They had an espresso machine, but Isak ordered just a black filtered coffee and a grilled cheese sandwich. He reached for his wallet, but Even insisted on buying this time. Isak made a nervous mental note on  _ this time _ but let it be and Even pay. Even ordered a ridiculous latte with both vanilla and hazelnut syrup, and sweet talked the girl behind the counter to top his drink off with whipped cream. To accompany his sugar blast he chose a veggie wrap.

“A new year’s resolution?” Isak asked while they were sitting at a table, Isak waiting for his sandwich to be cooked with increasing hungry anticipation.

“Wmhaf?” Even asked, while biting into his wrap.

“You’ve gone vegan?”

Even tried to answer but decided, luckily, to eat his mouth empty first.

“No. I just felt like a veggie wrap right now. I’ve learned that if I don’t eat what I feel like eating, I tend to skip eating altogether, and that is not a good decision.”

Isak nodded.

“Sometimes I just forget. Then I feel awful and nothing goes right, and when I finally figure out what’s wrong I just binge on junk and end up feeling even worse.”

“Heh. Sounds familiar.”

They were silent for a moment. Isak’s sandwich was ready and carried to the table. Isak sighed happily and chowed down. He almost burnt his tongue on the hot cheese, but it was totally worth it. It was delicious. Isak made little happy yummy sounds and was delighted when he saw they made Even smile.

This was so, so, so stupid. He could fall for Even. It would end badly. It was in the realm of possible that one or both of them wouldn’t make it out alive. He should just leave, now. But the sandwich was so good. Even sipped his coffee. He caught some whipped cream on the tip of his nose.

Isak’s gut instinct was to lick it off.

One: pervert.

Two: Hell to the no.

“You have something --” Isak tapped on his own nose. Even tried his, and meeting whipped cream with his fingers seemed to make him overjoyed. He lit up. Laughed. He was so incredibly charming. Like a different person than the one Isak had met and known. Isak was wary, but he found Even really hard to resist.

“Here”, Isak said, and handed Even a napkin. Even took it, careful to not touch Isak’s fingers. Isak noticed his effort, and appreciated it.

He didn’t leave. He finished his sandwich and his coffee, and let the girl pour him a free refill, and sitting like this with Even made him feel almost normal. They talked about art and videos, and the whole time Even was shining a light that Isak felt more drawn to minute by minute. He now understood Even’s artist name perfectly. He really was a star.

It was a great first date. If one would call it that. They didn’t, not out loud, and when Isak hid behind a tree to watch Even walk away he was fighting bitterly with himself to not call it a date. He lost. He knew, watching Even’s back get further and further from him, that he would forever cherish this breakfast with Even as their first date. Probably only date. But he would have this.

And their first kiss.

Isak touched his mouth gently, like pulling a smile from his pocket and placing it on his lips. Even disappeared around a corner. But Isak’s smile stayed. It stuck with him all the way back home.

One glance at the note on the wall made the smile run away to hide. The spell was broken, and it was a good thing. He had been foolish to agree the invitation to breakfast. He had been stupid to imagine that it might be possible. He  _ knew. _ He knew what Even was, deep down inside, he knew how broken they both were. He knew that no good could come from them being together, even if that was what Even wanted.

Isak closed his eyes. His mind was instantly filled with Even’s light. His smile, his little silly jokes, the whipped cream on his nose. Isak touched his own nose slowly. Then his fingers dropped on his lips. He drew a faint line around his mouth, along the edges of the cupid’s bow. It tickled, but not in a bad way. Isak kept his eyes closed and imagined the curve of Even’s lips.

His breath got heavier. He was not asexual, he had needs, and his body had needs, despite his aversion to touch. Isak traced his lips and then his jawline, to the hinge, and then down his neck and along his collarbones. He was testing. Most times he didn’t like his own touch either, but sometimes -- his lips cracked open when his fingers slipped under the collar of his shirt.

Okay. He could use a shower. Like, right about now.

Isak undressed on his way to the bathroom. He just dropped his clothes on the floor as he walked. The towel was hanging on a hook inside the door. Isak sniffed it and deemed it fresh enough. He stepped into the shower and turned the water on. He liked water. It was a touch he could handle. But right now he wanted something more.

Isak raised his face up toward the stream of water, his eyes closed, lips slightly parted. The droplets caressed his lips in a bodiless kiss.  _ I am kissing you. _ Isak was getting hard. It twitched, in anticipation, like it knew that this time he would touch it. Touch himself. Soon. It had been a while, it could wait for a couple of minutes more. Now Isak raised his hand to his face, his fingertips to his lips, and he kissed them softly. He nibbled on them for a moment, then opened his mouth a bit more and flicked his tongue over them.

Oh, Even.

Beautiful, long limbed, tall Even. The radiant Even, with whipped cream on his nose. Isak licked his fingertip quickly, to catch the white foam. He was panting softly. The warm water made droplets and streams on his bare skin, his wet hair stuck to his forehead and the back of his neck. He wanted to let his hands roam all over his body now, just touch touch touch touch, but he paced himself. Soon.

Isak turned around, letting the water hit his back. It felt so good. It enveloped him into warmth like an embrace, and Isak imagined Even stepping behind him. Not touching him, but almost, so close that his skin could feel Even’s presence and raised into goosebumps. Even’s hair looked so good wet.

“You can touch my hands”, Isak whispered to his imaginary lover. Even obliged, he reached over and around Isak and placed his hands on the back of Isak’s hands. Isak let Even move them, his palms stroking his own skin, wherever Even wanted him to be touched.

Soft sighs escaped Isak's lips. He felt Even's big lovely hands envelope his own and guide them. Down his both sides, slowly passing over the bumpy road of his ribs. Isak blushed as Even directed his hands over his hips, his fingers tickling his soft curly pubic hair. It felt naughty. In a really good way.

The water caressed his body. Even let Isak’s right hand remain down around his hip and brought the left one up along his abs and chest, all the way up to his nipple. He moaned as Even made his fingers flick over it.

“Please..that's so much”, he whimpered but Even didn't care. He made Isak touch the hardening nub over and over again. It made Isak's knees weak. He leaned his shoulder to the wall. The coolness of the tiles made his nipples harder.

“Are you going to make me come?”

Even brought his face close to Isak's ear and hummed.

“Oh god..”

Their fingers wrapped around Isak’s hard, throbbing dick. It twitched at the touch, delighted. Long time no see, it purred in Isak’s hand, and as Even pulled it back all the way down to the base Isak moaned out loud. It felt so good. Even’s fingers slipped between his, and Isak couldn’t tell anymore if he was touching his dick too or was it all Isak, and right now, as they started the slow, teasing strokes, he did not care.

Isak was panting. He moved his hand faster, his eyes still closed. He looked at himself and Even behind him, stroking his dick together, pinching his nipple every now and then, he felt Even’s breath against his ear. Against his neck. He turned his face back and felt it against his lips, too, and the water, and the heat, and the tingling closeness of almost but not quite touching, and then he came.

He pumped himself dry and let go. He opened his eyes, catching his breath, and he was alone again. Alone and warm, wet, fuzzy. His outlines were smudged like watercolours, and it didn’t feel like disintegrating. It felt soft. A bit like words like  _ love _ or  _ home _ felt, rolling gently off the tongue.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the lack of angst. I needed a break after ch 13 & 14 of Ways to love.

This was way, way too soon. Isak was being ridiculous. It hadn’t been even three full days since their first date, if one even should call it that, and yet here he was, texting Even again. With his personal phone. That was simply not done, ever, and Isak knew it perfectly well. 

_ I would like to meet you again. Off the clock. - I _

Isak erased and retyped the message multiple times before he had the guts to hit send. And as he did, he regretted it immediately. He had crossed a line. Again. He kept doing that with Even, constantly, and Martin would do a backflip if Isak told him about this. But he wouldn’t. It wasn’t relevant.

Even responded immediately. Isak’s insides fluttered all around under his skin, everywhere, in a blur of motion that was at the same time frightened and excited. He opened the message.

_ I’m sorry, who is this? _

Isak’s heart sank. He was an idiot! Why had he imagined Even would appreciate an invasive move like this? The rules were there for their protection, not for Isak to trample all over.

In the middle of his turmoil he got another text. He almost dropped his phone, startled by the sound and buzzing.

_ Sorry for trying to be funny. I would love to see you. _

“Fucking asshole”, Isak blurted out loud. But it was hard to not start smiling. Even would  _ love to _ see him. And Isak was a complete idiot, but he really wanted a second date. Third date? The jury was still out on that one.

They managed to agree on a time and a place. They had started in a library, and following a theme seemed appropriate. Even was into big stories like Romeo and Juliet, so he probably appreciated the arch of their story from advancing to the mecca of romantic comedies: a used bookstore. There was a real good one Isak visited occasionally, and Even knew where it was and had often been planning to step inside but never got around to it. It was perfect, really. They would have a lot of things to talk about around them if things got awkward between them.

It was kind of funny, how insecure Isak was feeling. Considering, like, what he did for living. He knew so much about the dark nooks and crannies of the human mind, and the sheer diversity of it left him in awe. Still, he was desperate to seem normal, to hide his own weird shit. His line of work had taught him a great deal about shame, as well.

Isak texted Jonas to tell him what just happened. He wrote a long, blabbering message, intoxicated by the high of the first stages of a reciprocated crush. He sent it and waited for a while to see if Jonas would read it, but he didn’t. He was probably working, then. Jonas was hoping to get to actually handle an animal on set, during filming. Isak was convinced he would do an amazing job. He had a soothing aura, and right now Isak really, really missed him.

Isak gave up. He put his phone away and tried to focus on anything else. It wasn’t a success. His head was floating and buzzing at the same time, and his thoughts started to wander again. Since he had jerked off thinking about Even for the first time he hadn’t been able to let go of that fantasy. He had been touching himself more during the last few days than he had all year before it. That was as close to a sex crazed maniac as he could get.

He was thinking about doing it now, too. God, he was like a teenager again. He glanced at the cylindrical cushion he had discovered to be perfect to grind against for a hands free experience, but decided to put it on hold for now. Maybe, he thought, if he was wound up enough during the date he might let Even hold his hand for a bit.

The thought made his heart throb. Even had such big hands.

Isak could hardly wait for tomorrow night.

He arrived a bit early to the store. It was a lovely place, the shelves stacked from floor to ceiling full of old books. The whole store smelled wonderful. A bit dusty, a bit cozy. It calmed Isak down nicely. He took off his wool hat, unwrapped his scarf and browsed the stacked shelves absentmindedly. He kept looking at the window, but it was already dark outside and all Isak could really see was the store’s reflection.

The bell above the door ringed. Isak spun around to see. It was Even. He looked so good. Tall, as always, but there was this glow of confidence around him. He was like a new man. A better man. Isak had first met a mess and a wreck, and he had almost trouble recognising this new, improved Even. But Isak had no issues noticing him.

“Hey”, Even said, with a smile that lit up the room. Isak returned it, only bit dimmer.

“Hello. It’s good to see you.”

Good to see you? Seriously? He had zero game. Zero.

Luckily Even didn’t seem to mind. His smile grew into a full on grin.

“That’s great. Really.” Even sighed. And only then he seemed to realize his surroundings. He looked around, and Isak could see the boyish enthusiasm sparkle in those blue eyes. “Wow, this place is awesome. Just like in the movies.”

“I love it here”, Isak said. He knew it was silly, but he was a bit proud. He had thought about this place, and Even was so impressed. The great artist was impressed by a humble used bookstore. “I love the atmosphere, and they have awesome books about the history of civil engineering.”

“That’s a specific interest”, Even said. Isak almost blushed.

“I’m studying at the Met to become a civil engineer.”

“That’s really cool.” Even sounded genuinely impressed. Isak didn’t know if he was serious or not, so he just shrugged.

“It’s nothing compared to what you do, really.”

“I don’t  _ do _ anything, really.”

Even was interrupted by a lady who wanted to get past them. They realized they were standing pretty much in everybody else’s way and stepped aside. Isak took Even to the chair group in one of the side rooms.

“They sometimes have readings in here. I’ve been planning to go but. You know.”

Even sat down in an old leather armchair. He looked like he belonged there, in his well cut smart trousers and his woolen jacket and his high quality shoes. Isak felt almost frumpy. He should have dressed better. But jeans and a parka it was, it had been a cold day. Isak sat down next to Even so they could speak quietly, not disturbing the other patrons.

“Now, where was I?” Even said, then he nodded. “Ah, yes. I don’t do anything. I just live on my parents’ money and ruin everyone’s day.”

“That’s not true!” Isak almost hissed. “You’re an incredible artist. I have watched your every single video a thousand times, I love them.”

Even laughed.

“Oh? And then you just happen to appear to my place of work, and then ask me out on a date? Not stalkery at all, nope.”

Isak grimaced.

“Well, if you put it like  _ that _ then -- wait. A date?” Isak pretended to be surprised, just to hide his excitement. “You think this is a date?”

Even raised his brows impressively high.

“You don’t?”

“No! I mean yes! I mean -- I don’t know what I mean!” Isak took a deep breath, to gather his thoughts. “I think this is a date. Our second date, actually.”

Even pretended to take a notepad from his breast pocket and flip it.

“Yyyyep, that matches my calculations as well.”

Isak laughed. Even was getting better and better by the minute. Isak was starting to think, foolishly, that this might actually work. He always thought that in the beginning.

“Well, I  _ am _ going to be an engineer, so.”

Even didn’t say anything. He was just looking at Isak, stroking at his own chin to hide his wide smile. It didn’t really work. It went on for a moment or two, and then Isak had to start squirming.

“What?”

“You look great”, Even said. “Like. Really great.”

“Not as great as you. You’re like a different person.”

The spark in Even’s eyes snuffed out. Isak was instantly in a panic. But he hid it, with all his might and years of experience. He had fucked up, yes, but maybe he could fix it?

“I mean. It’s good. You look incredible.”

Even smiled, but Isak could tell his heart wasn’t really in it.

“Thanks. I do feel a lot better. The ward was a good thing, in the end.”

Isak knew this conversation was way, way too serious for a second date. But they were not a regular couple, were they?

“In a way I’m happy you went there”, Isak said quietly. “You were spiraling.”

“I’m surprised you agreed to come on this date despite what I said and did. Aren’t you scared?”

Isak considered for a split second. But Even had told him the truth from the start. Or, at least, his truth.

“Yes. I’m terrified.” Isak looked at Even, solemn. He had wiped every last drop of smile off his face. Still it tried to push its way back there. It was the smallest, most timid smile in the history of mankind. “But.”

Even nodded. Serious.

“Yeah. But.”

“I think a but is worth a third date.”

Even nodded again. Isak’s smile grew a bit. His heart was fluttering, and his skin was tingling all over but not in a bad way.

“You can’t touch me”, Isak reminded Even. Just in case he had forgotten again.

“I know. But.”

Isak nodded.

“Yes. But.”

They sat in silence for a moment. Isak alternated between telling himself off inside his head for his idiocy and lack of self preservation, and listening to his heart sing.

Even grabbed a random book out of the shelf and opened it. He looked delighted.

“I fucking love T.S. Eliot. Sit back. I’m reading you out loud.”

Isak had to admit he was surprised. But he obeyed. He leaned back in his armchair. Even started reading. Poetry. Isak didn’t really understand it, but it was really nice to hear Even read it out loud. The enthusiasm in his voice was amazing. Isak could have told without Even saying it that Even loved T.S. Eliot.

_There is no end, but addition: the trailing_ __  
_Consequence of further days and hours,_ __  
_While emotion takes to itself the emotionless_ __  
_Years of living among the breakage_ __  
_Of what was believed in as the most reliable --_ __  
_And therefore the fittest for renunciation._

__

Isak didn’t really listen as much as watched. He watched at Even’s lips move, at his face in the turmoil of emotion the words awakened in him. Even was beautiful. He was vibrant, full of life, and Isak was feeling right at home in the smell of old books and leather. This was, definitely, worth a third date.

__

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The excerpt is from the poem The Dry Salvages, by T.S. Eliot


	14. Chapter 14

_ You know what happens on the third date, right?! _

Isak kept staring at the message from Jonas. Yes. He knew. He knew and Jonas was not being his best supportive self right now. But then he got the next message.

_ I can’t wait to hear how mr Dreamguy has figured out how to pull that one off. _

Isak grimaced. He knew he shouldn’t have told Jonas about Even. And at the same time he was bubbling with joy. He had no reason to, for his own good, but he trusted Even. He trusted Even would figure out something to get them past the third date mark.

He joked around with Jonas, absentmindedly. Then he noticed that if he didn’t hurry he would miss his appointment with a client. He could not afford it. He needed the money, especially since he was determined to help Even out with his credit card debt. He hadn’t told Even about that plan yet, it was too soon. Everything was too soon, on paper, but Isak felt like he had been waiting for this man all his life already.

Isak said a brief goodbye to Jonas, and then hurried to get ready. He got dressed in about a million layers of clothing. The weather had been getting colder day by day, and Isak anticipated a message from a certain winter time client any day now. They wanted to lay naked in the snow, and needed someone to keep an eye on them so that they got back inside before hypothermia or passing out. But despite the cold there wasn’t that much snow, and Isak absolutely refused to let them pour cold water over themselves and go outside. That was too risky.

Outside the cold air pinched at Isak’s nose. He hated getting frost in his scarf, and he liked breathing, so he had to just keep his poor nose bare. Isak decided to take a cab, he was almost late and he wasn’t feeling like standing outside waiting for a tram anyway. He checked his wallet. He could afford a one way trip, and that was enough to eliminate the being late part. Maybe he might be able to push something extra on today’s appointment. If he had the strength left after the session, that was. Isak called a cab and as he sat on the back seat he turned his personal phone off to keep himself from texting Even. He pressed his head on the window and looked outside, into the city curling up tight to keep the cold away.

The stone was smooth and warm. It was the size of his palm, and its weight felt pleasant in his hand. Isak looked at the man laying on the floor on his back, his eyes closed, a line of stones placed along the midline of his body. He had set those himself, following Isak’s rules. I was good that someone followed them, for a change.

“Ready?”

The man nodded. Isak hummed softly and placed the stone on top of the ones already there. The clack it made pulled a purring sound out of the man under the stones, and he seemed to like the added weight, too. Isak could kind of get it, really. The pressure, the focus, the meditative concentration. He kept putting more stones on top of each other, and watched the guy’s breathing slow down stone by stone. His own breathing copied the pace, and for the whole session Isak didn’t think about anything else. It was just this nice and warm room, a man on the floor, Isak on his knees, and the comforting weight of the stones clack clack clacking together in a slow, soothing rhythm.

After placing the final stone Isak looked at the man under them. At his skin. It was smooth and looked warm, and pleasant to the touch, but at the same time the mere thought of touching it made Isak’s own skin crawl. He tried to remember when it had began, but for all he knew, he had always been like this. Maybe he was just born broken. That was a thing, wasn’t it, people being born with a couple of screws loose, right?

The third date. Officially. Technically they had been on many more dates already. They had even kissed. Sort of. But not officially, while going on dates, and Isak was constantly nervous about that. What if Even wanted to kiss him again? He wouldn’t touch Isak, sure, but ever since Martin had mentioned it Isak couldn’t push it off his mind. Was the kiss for him, or was it for Even?

If Even actually figured out some way to have sex with Isak within his rules, would it be for him, or for Even?

Even himself was something Isak wanted. He was beautiful, and vibrant, and shone a light that pushed the darkness further away. Isak wanted to be in his company, to talk with him, to see his face light up with the simplest pleasures. This new Even, the one who was shining and radiating instead of imploding, was near addictive to Isak.

Isak knew it was stupid. He knew it wouldn’t last. He knew from experience that darkness as deep as Even’s would never stay away for too long. But it was gone now. Dating Even was a terrible idea,  _ but. _ Isak felt like he owed it to himself, to figure out what the but was really about.

He did not believe in soulmates. But when he thought about Even, and himself, he had to admit he kind of understood the people who did. The temptation was really strong. To just call Even his soulmate and forget all the reasons to stay away from him, because they’re meant to be, and natural order of things is not to be meddled with.

The tiny buzz against his thigh snapped Isak out of his thought. He knew it was a good idea to set a timer. He sharpened up, turned to his client and smiled.

“It’s time to unload your burden.”

The man nodded, his eyes still closed. Isak saw the anticipation and relief on his face, and under them a deep tranquility and even deeper satisfaction. Isak was jealous. He wanted to feel like that, but no matter how many rocks he would place on himself, that dam would not hold for long. As Isak lifted the stones off, one by one, he felt his own wall leak from the seams, struggling under the pressure of a tidal wave of black water.

When he was with Even the pressure released. That was the but, Isak realized. Even made it easier for him to breathe. Sure, he took Isak’s breath away and made it stumble, but it was so, so much lighter. Isak paused, in the middle of lifting a stone, and squeezed the rock real tight. Fuck. An epiphany was not a good thing in the middle of an appointment. Isak placed the stone on the floor by the others, and slowly released his grip.

“I hope you’re satisfied with my performance”, Isak said as the man stood up from the floor. The client looked at him, carefully, for a long time.

“Something’s different”, he said. Isak nodded.

“I’m sorry. Did it affect your experience?”

“I liked the old way better. Can we return to that next time?”

Isak almost offered the man a refund. But he had a policy, and he stuck to that.

“Of course. My apologies.”

“It’s cool. It wasn’t bad, just different. It’s good to try new things. To see how they fit.”

Isak nodded slowly. He wanted to say something, to confess, to have a meaningful connection in conversation about the nature of new things, but he didn’t. It was not the time, or the place, and he was a fucking professional. He took his money, forgot to sell any extra services and left.

When Isak finally got inside a tram he was freezing. His fingers were so cold he had difficulties turning his phone on. He didn’t even check his notifications, he went straight to the contacts and called Even. The longer it took Even to pick up, the louder Isak’s heart was beating in his ears. Even was probably at work, he realized, and almost hung up.

“Hey there”, Even said in his ear. “What’s up?”

“I want to see how you fit.”

Even laughed. It sounded amazing.

“Okay?”

“When can I see you?”

“I get off at six. Want to meet me here then?”

Isak could hear the sounds of the coffee shop in the background. He wondered if Even had told his coworkers about him. Or if they remembered him from his earlier visits. Or if it mattered.

“Okay. I’ll be there.”

“Great. If that’s all I should be making a cappuccino right now, so..”

“Yes. Yes, of course. Have a good day at work.”

Even paused. It was a short break but it was there, and Isak heard it, and he felt something like shame but not quite. He tucked that feeling away, carefully.

“You too.”

They ended the call. Isak checked the time. Five more hours.


	15. Chapter 15

Isak was feeling ridiculous. He kept tugging his scarf higher to cover his face, his lips especially, and it kept dropping back down just to be tugged back up again. Isak pretended he wanted to cover his face because of the cold, not because he wanted to hide. He almost turned back two times on his way to the coffee shop. He didn’t know why, and he knew why, but didn’t want to think about it.

The third date.

He looked as good as he managed to. He was basically freezing, but damn, if his legs didn’t look spectacular in the skinny ripped jeans. They weren’t  _ that _ ripped anyway, just a couple of cuts here and there to give a little peek of his thighs. He had no idea why he had chosen these jeans for this occasion. Why did he want to tease Even?

To test him. Isak had to make himself as irresistible as he could, to see if Even could be trusted not to touch him. No matter how much Isak looked like he was asking for it. Under his jacket his shoulder and collar bone were a bit cold as well, thanks to his shirt that left them bare. It looked amazing. He had even done his hair a bit, just some dry shampoo to give it volume and bounce, and as he had stood in front of the mirror, looking at himself, he had considered himself truly some hot stuff. It was a feeling that was equally nice and unnerving.

Isak stopped behind the coffee shop’s window. He decided to wait for Even outside. He saw Even through the glass, serving the final cup of coffee of his shift, and when Even looked up and flashed him a smile Isak’s knees felt a bit weak. Shit, that man was beautiful. And trouble. Isak kind of hoped Even would fail his test tonight so Isak could part ways with him for good.

Even disappeared to the back room and Isak turned to look out at the street. It was pretty quiet. Most people were probably home now, having a nice dinner with their family. Isak bit the inside of his cheek to stop thinking about families. He had enough on his plate with this date, he did not need to bring in family issues too. One hurdle at a time.

“Hey there.” Even appeared from around the corner. He must have used the back door, sneaky bastard. His sudden greeting made Isak jump a bit, but his scare melted into laugh.

“Hey.” Isak was sort of paralyzed. His mind wasn’t operating clearly. His legs weren’t operating at all. He just stood there, his hand deep in his pockets, trying to hide behind his scarf. His bare shoulder brushed against the lining of his winter coat, reminding him of its nudity. Even looked so good. He had a beanie on his head, and then his hoodie’s hood, then his coat’s hood with the faux fur trim framing his gorgeous face, and a smile that illuminated not just his face but the whole street.

“Isak? Is everything okay?”

Shit. How long had Isak been standing still, staring at Even’s face? Apparently way, way too long.

“Huh? Yes. Yes. Everything is okay.”

“Good.” Even smiled for a moment more. Isak still couldn’t think properly. “So. Where would you like to go?”

“Your place”, Isak heard himself say. Shit. No! Why? Then again, it made sense. He couldn’t wait to put Even to the test, he couldn’t think about anything else. He needed to know.

Even raised his brow, surprised. But he nodded.

“Sure. I think I have some stale bread and ripe tomatoes. I make a mean bruschetta. We can pick up a bottle of wine on the way.”

“Uh.” Isak blushed. Why? Even pushed him so off balance, his whole body was in red alert whenever Even was near, and just staring into space when he wasn’t. “I don’t drink.” There was an unsaid  _ anymore _ that hung on to the tail of that sentence.

“That’s even better”, Even said, with a grin so carefree Isak was starting to feel more at ease as well. “I was already trying to come up with an excuse to buy non-alcoholic wine, but none of them made me sound cool.”

Isak laughed. How was it possible, to be in red alert, full on fight or flight mode, and laugh with such ease? This was a terrible idea.

“You don’t need to try and seem cool to me. I’m already your biggest fan.”

“The most stalkery, at least, I’ll give you that.” Even winked. Then he turned, because it was really too cold to just stand around on a street. Especially in ripped skinny jeans. “This way.”

“I know. Stalker, remember?”

They laughed and joked all the way to Even’s street, stopping on the way to buy a bottle of alcohol free white wine that Even swore would taste great with the tomatoes. But as they turned the corner to the street where Even lived, a lump thudded down to the bottom of Isak’s belly. The third date. Even’s house. This was it, and he was so, so nervous again.

“Issy?”

Isak blinked. He turned to look at Even.

“What did you call me?”

“Issy. I’m sorry, it just came out. Do you prefer Isak?”

“Now that you ask, I think I do.” Issy was too much. It was too close. He wasn’t ready for that kind of intimacy, it felt almost like being touched, with a name. “But I won’t be mad at you if it slips sometimes.”

“You should be!” Even exclaimed. “You should kick my ass for using a name you don’t want to be used.”

Even’s dismay made Isak smile a bit. Because apparently his face didn’t know how to operate like a normal person anymore.

“I can’t kick your ass without touching you. You’re safe.”

“Well you could throw stuff at me at least?”

Isak laughed.

“I have terrible aim. But at least a broken window in January would be a punishment?”

“Yes. It certainly would. I’d better stick to Isak, for my own good.”

Isak agreed. And he was laughing again, bubbly, and that euphoria lasted all the way into Even’s apartment. Then it was time to peel off all the layers of winter clothes. Isak’s whole skin felt like it was blushing. It felt hot and glowing. Glaring.

“Are you cold?” Even asked, with a smirk in his voice. He had noticed Isak’s jeans. It was Norway, near the end of January, and Isak had bare skin of his thighs visible, out in the open. But he did look really good.

“Not anymore”, Isak said. He started with his scarf, wrapping it off slowly. Even might have realized Isak was feeling shy, or he got tired of waiting around, but still, he disappeared into the kitchen. Isak took a sigh of relief and took his jacket off quickly. He removed his shoes and his hat, and gave his hair a little rustle. Even had no mirror on the wall, but Isak saw his reflection vaguely on the window. He looked yummy.

Isak sneaked up to the kitchen doorway. He leaned his covered up shoulder to the door frame and popped his hip, resting his hand on that hip so that the curve of his arm guided the eye to his bare shoulder and collar bone. He would never admit it but he had rehearsed this pose quite a bit during the last few hours.

After positioning himself carefully Isak finally had time to look at Even. He had removed his hoodie too, and he had one more layer Isak hadn’t seen over his T-shirt. A green plaid shirt, lumberjack style, with the sleeves rolled up almost to his elbows. Probably to hide how short for him they were. Isak didn’t mind seeing those long arms bare and pretty, and those big hands chopping tomatoes with surgical preciseness.

“Looks good”, Isak said. Even turned to look at him over his shoulder. Isak could see the “thank you” fall out of Even’s mouth as his jaw dropped open. Isak knew. He looked incredible. He would bang himself, totally, if given the chance and if he could actually touch people. He would bang his brains out.

“Yes”, Even finally said, after remembering how words work. “I mean. Thanks. It’s just tomatoes and oil with a bit of seasoning but it tastes really great.”

“I can’t wait to try some.”

“Mmh.” Even swallowed a  _ me neither _ and turned to look at his tomatoes again. Isak looked at the red patch on the back of Even’s neck and was satisfied and scared. Even wanted him so bad he could taste it. But would he try to act on it? Isak would see it tonight.

Even sliced the bread and drizzled some olive oil on it before putting it in the oven. The tomatoes ended up on a hot pan to sizzle for a moment, with a couple of frisk stirs. While Even was cooking Isak took two glasses out of the cabinet Even pointed at and opened the wine. He poured some for both of them and took a sip from his own glass to calm his nerves. He knew there wasn’t any alcohol in the wine, but the mere act of sipping at it soothed him.

The bread smelled amazing when Even took it out of the oven. It looked mouth watering when Even piled up the tomatoes on the slices and added one last drizzle of oil.

“Dig in”, Even said. “Bruschetta tastes best standing up in the kitchen.”

Isak took a slice, careful to not burn his fingers on the hot tray. He followed Even’s lead, leaned over the tray and took a bite. The intense acidic sweetness of the tomato burst in his mouth like sunshine. Isak had no idea how Even managed to find tomatoes like this in January, but they were really, really good. Isak devoured the whole slice of bread with two bites. When he noticed Even was looking at him he pushed his ass a bit back and up. He felt a small strip of skin slip bare on the arch of his lower back.

“This is amazing”, Isak said. He wiped his lips with his fingertips as he stood up and licked his fingers clean. Even was just standing there, holding a glass in one hand, a bruschetta in the other, staring at him. This was the third date.

“What are you doing?” Even asked. Isak blinked.

“Eating?”

“Why do you look like a wet dream?”

Isak blushed. It felt good, to be called that. It didn’t make sense, but Isak loved it. Even wanted him. Isak was almost sorry he couldn’t give Even what he wanted.

“Do I?”

“Yes. You do.” Even put his bread and his glass away and drew a frame in the air around Isak. “I just can’t understand why.”

Isak shrugged.

“I wanted to look nice for our date.”

“It’s freezing out there and you’re not wearing anything!” Even sounded upset. Isak bit his lip for a moment. This was not going well, was this?

“I’m -- sorry?”

Even pressed his chin and glared at Isak from under his brow.

“You’re playing with me. I am not sure what the rules are, but I don’t like playing games without knowing about it.”

Isak put his glass away slowly. Even would kick him out. That had been his purpose, hadn’t it? To push Even away, to end this before it got too serious to really actually hurt when it ended.

It was clearly too late for that.

“Then you should not date me. I am nothing but a huge book of rules that are applied randomly.”

“Bullshit.”

Isak turned to look at Even.

“Excuse me?”

“I don’t mind playing by the rules. I just want to know I’m playing. What’s the goal in this one?”

Isak shook his head. He didn’t know. There weren’t a goal, really, not one he could say out loud.

“It’s the third date”, Isak managed to say. Even stared at him, with a vacant expression.

“And?”

“And -- that’s when you should -- you know. It’s time.”

Even kept staring at him. Then he shook his head and turned away, and every instinct Isak had was screaming at him to beg for forgiveness. It was ridiculous. He was ridiculous, in his little outfit, and the full weight of it hit his chest like a bulldozer. Tears filled his eyes, he spun around and ran away.

It was too cold for Isak to just run out of the apartment. He opted for the bathroom. He slammed the door shut behind him and locked it. The mirror cabinet was facing the door and Isak saw himself, he saw the sexiness that had been reduced into ridiculousness and shame burnt him like a torch.

Isak opened the mirror cabinet. An electric razor. Floss. Toothpaste. Mouthwash. He couldn’t find anything in the bathroom that could harm him in any way. Nothing with a blade. Not even a toothpick. No hairspray, no other chemicals, just toilet paper and hand lotion. Isak’s heart was racing. He needed something. Anything. He turned the tap to as hot as it would go but managed to get out only something equivalent to a nice, hot shower.

“I’m terribly sorry”, Even’s voice echoed through the door, “I must have forgotten the blade under my bed last night.”

Isak froze. Even knew what he was doing here. Shame hit Isak again, it punched all the air out of his lungs and left him gasping like a fish on dry land.

“I’m going to leave the apartment for ten minutes now. If you have left before I come back it’s okay. I’ll text you later tonight, or you can text me, or whatever. See you.”

Isak turned the water off. He listened to the sounds of Even getting dressed. He heard the door open and close. He waited a couple of minutes but didn’t hear anything else. So he unlocked the door and opened it. The apartment was empty. Even’s shoes and coat were gone.

Isak looked at his own shoes. Then he looked into the kitchen, at two glasses of really nice alcohol free wine and a tray with four slices of bread topped with chopped tomatoes that tasted like summer. He wanted to stay. He was on his way to the kitchen when he caught his reflection in the corner of his eye. He stopped, mid step, and turned to look at his image in the window.

“Slut”, Isak whispered. The word tasted so foul in his mouth he couldn’t remember the flavour of the wine or the tomatoes anymore. “Whore.”

When Even opened his door eight minutes later Isak was gone.


	16. Chapter 16

Isak’s feet were slipping on the icy streets as he ran. He didn’t really have a heading, he was just running away from Even’s apartment. His coat was hanging open, his scarf just thrown around his neck, his hat still in his coat’s pocket. The wind bit down on his collarbone and the slits on his thighs, it pushed tears out of his eyes and those froze somewhere along his jawline. He was so cold. He didn’t know where he was going.

His phone beeped. It was Even. Isak had set a separate sound for messages from Even so he could determine if he could handle them. Now he clearly couldn’t, he was not even remotely in the state of mind he could read a message from Even. But he stopped. His fingers were numb from the cold, but his phone accepted their touch.

_ Come back. Please. _

Isak was shaking. He was shivering with the cold and trembling with emotion, his numb fingers almost lost their grip from the phone as he tried to type a reply. He couldn’t do it. So he called Even. On speaker, he didn’t trust his hands could hold his phone up to his ear either.

“Hello?”

“I don’t know where I am”, Isak squaked. “I ran and ran and I’m lost now.”

“Are you moving? Stop. Look around you. What do you see?”

Isak raised his eyes from the light of the screen, from Even’s name written across it,  and looked around.

“Buildings. There’s a park at the end of the street. It has a swing set and a slide.”

“I know where that is. Stay put. Stay warm. I’m coming.”

Even hung up. Isak shoved his phone in his pocket and finally closed his coat. He put his hat, scarf and mittens on, but they helped only a little. The wind was biting on his thighs and he tried to cover them up with his hands, but that made moving around really hard. Isak walked a small circle around a lamp post, waving his arms, trying to amp up his circulation.

“Isak!”

Isak stopped and looked up. It was Even. He was coming. Running. He had a bag with him, and as Even reached Isak he took out a huge woolen shawl from the bag. Even threw the shawl around Isak’s shoulders.

“Here”, Even said and gave Isak a big soda bottle filled with hot water. “Hug this as we walk.”

Isak took the bottle and embraced it tightly. It was so warm. He felt like crying again, but his lashes were sticking together as it was. Even walked in long strides and Isak did his best to keep up with him.

“Fuck, this wind is brutal! You must be freezing.”

Isak just nodded. He was. He was so cold, and now he was getting slightly warmer, and the shawl smelled like Even. Even had come to save him. Isak had treated him wrong and he had just dropped everything and come running.

“I’m sorry”, Isak said, quietly. “I should have just trusted you. Like you have trusted me.”

“Don’t worry about it”, Even replied. “Let’s just get you inside out of the cold. We can talk then.”

Isak nodded. He followed Even back in silence. He realized that he had been running basically a straight line, and had he just turned around and followed his own footsteps he would have ended up back to Even’s house. Even could have just told him to turn around and come back. But he had come to get him.

Even really, really wanted him to come back, didn’t he? How disappointed had he been when he had come home and Isak had left?

“I almost stayed”, Isak whispered, into his scarf and at Even’s back. He had no idea if Even heard him or not. At least Even didn’t respond in any way, he just kept walking. He looked so good walking, his long legs taking those long steps. Isak huddled himself tighter inside the shawl and hurried his steps.

“You need a hot shower. Just turn the water as far as it goes, it’s been adjusted so it won’t go to scalding.”

Isak stared at Even who was taking off his winter layers. He wanted to ask, but he didn’t have to. He knew why. He could imagine the hassle of actually boiling the water on the stove would take long enough for the urge to subside.

“I’ll try to find something for you to wear while you’re getting warm. I think I have some glögg extract from Christmas left over, too, I’ll put the kettle on like they say.”

Even’s babbling as almost soothing, especially after it moved into the kitchen. Isak took off his coat and accessories and then stepped into the bathroom again. He locked the door at first but then unlocked it. Just in case he thought of something stupid and Even needed to come and rescue him again.

Isak undressed. He hissed at the irregular shaped red cold spots over his thighs, where the cuts in his jeans had been. They felt freezing to the touch. Isak really hoped he hadn’t injured himself. He was shaking again when he stepped into the shower.

The hot water felt so good. Isak closed his eyes and let it just pour over him, in a rain of warmth and comfort. It also washed the tears off his face, and the shivers making his body tremble were just the cold leaving his body.

After the shower Isak took a big towel and dried himself up quickly. He huddled up inside it and opened the bathroom door. The air outside the bathroom hit him in a cold breeze.

“Even?”

“In the bedroom.”

Isak hesitated. But he followed Even’s voice and stepped inside the bedroom. It was beautiful. The windows were huge, the bed equally so, and everything was white, or light gray, or slate, or taupe. It looked so soothing in here that Isak didn’t really feel like leaving at all. He jumped as Even appeared from behind an open cabinet door.

“I found something that might work. Here.”

Even threw a pair of pants on the bed. Pajama pants. Red and white plaid flannel. And a matching shirt as well.

“These have wool mixed in the fabric. Super warm. Just what you need right now.”

Isak stared at the pajamas. They weren’t exactly third date material. But was this the fourth date? Technically?

“Thanks. They look real comfy.”

“I’ll go check the glögg so you can change. No hurry.”

Even left the bedroom. Isak took the pants in his hand. They did feel nice. High quality fabric. Everything in Even’s apartment was high quality. His parents apparently had a lot of money to spend on their son. Maybe, Isak thought as he was pulling the pants on, they are trying to make Even as comfortable as possible, to make life easier for him to handle.

Isak buttoned the shirt all the way up. The sleeves were a bit too long but he didn’t mind, he liked having his fingers hidden inside them like this. It felt cozy. Isak left the bedroom barefoot, the hardwood floors felt nice under his feet. He headed for the kitchen.

Even turned to look at him when he reached the door. And just like last time, Even paused, mid thought, to stare. Isak blushed a bit.

“What?”

“You look so cuddlable.”

Isak’s blush got more intense. He really, really wished he could let Even cuddle him, but he couldn’t. He wasn’t built like that.

“I don’t think that’s a word.” 

“It is now, and you’re the definition of it.”

Isak’s heart was beating louder. But it didn’t feel like racing, it was just willing to be heard. Isak wondered if Even could hear it.

“Thanks. I guess?” Isak curled his toes up. Even looked down and he gasped, horrified.

“Oh, no! I forgot! I’m so sorry! Wait here.” Even pushed past Isak to the bedroom and rushed back, holding a pair of gray wool socks. They looked handknit, and like they had been worn a lot. “Put these on. They should fit alright.”

Isak took the socks and pulled them on his feet. Even was right, they fit. And they were warm, and Isak was all warm and snug, and as he went to sit on the couch and curled up under a blanket it felt like he was being hugged. Long and tight. Everything he was wearing smelled like Even, and Isak felt just so  _ close to him _ and it was overwhelming. He pulled his legs tight against his chest and pressed his forehead on his knees.

“Are you okay?” Even had emerged from the kitchen, with two white mugs full of dark red fragrant liquid, piping hot.

“Yes. I am. Thank you.” Even sat down next to Isak. Close, but not too close. Not close enough for them to accidentally touch each other. “I’m sorry I was an asshole earlier.”

Even shrugged.

“You had your reasons. Right?”

“Bad ones. Like, really shitty ones.” Isak sighed. He took a mug as Even handed it over to him and warmed his hands around it. “I was trying to make you do something that would make me understand I should not date you anymore.”

That took a moment to sink in. Even sat there quiet, frowning, putting pieces together. Then it dawned on him.

“So. You wanted me to assault you, is that it?”

“Basically, yes.”

“Uh-huh.” Even was quiet for so long Isak almost got up and left again. But Even looked so heartbroken he couldn’t bare walking away from him like that. “You’re right. That is a really shitty one.”

“I know! I’m really sorry.”

“You know the worst part?” Even looked at Isak, but then averted his eyes again. “Under very, very slightly different circumstance, I might have.”

“What?” Isak looked at Even, eyes wide.

“I have been known to not really take no for an answer. I am charming, and persistent, and confident. Under certain conditions.” Even looked at Isak again, equally quickly as the previous time. “I have done things I am not proud of. I am trouble, and you are right to try and make yourself stay away from me.”

Isak remembered the piece of paper he had held in his hand, in this very room. He remembered all the nasty things written on it. Things that, like he knew from experience, were all true. They weren’t the whole truth, they didn’t list everything either of them was, but they were true.

“I am broken”, Isak said, quietly. “I don’t think I can be fixed. Ever. It is possible I will never let you touch me. Shit, it’s even likely.”

“Everything I touch turns to poison anyway.”

They sat there, silent, for a moment. Isak was covered in wool and comfort, but still he felt completely bare.

“But.”

Even turned to look at Isak. He nodded.

“Yeah. But.”

“I don’t want to leave. I don’t want to change to my own clothes, and I don’t want to go.”

“I won’t be able to stop myself from asking you to come back if you leave.”

Isak touched his lips lightly. He kissed his fingers, then released the kiss up through the air towards Even. Even didn’t catch it like one would catch a ball, no, he handed out his fingers and let the kiss land on it like a butterfly. He looked at it, with a smile made of light on his face, and after marveling at it for a bit he raised his hand and pressed the kiss on his own lips.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's my birthday, so here's some birthday smut for you!

It was like the winter had suddenly remembered it had an appointment with Norway. It hit with full blast. The streets filled with snow, and cold, brutal winds tossed it around. At least there was light now. All the whiteness reflected it everywhere. The temperature had been a bit more tolerable, thanks to the thick layer of clouds, but the winds undid that benefit. It was like the whole city was sleeping, in hibernation, everyone huddled up inside their homes to keep warm the best they could.

Isak wrapped the shawl tighter around his shoulders. He liked the tight fit, it was comforting, and as he moved Even’s scent whiffed up from his clothes. Even had worn the shirt for two nights in a row, to really rub himself in it, and when Isak had pulled it on it had been like being embraced by Even. Isak sniffed at his shoulder and smiled.

“I still can’t believe that works”, Even hummed from behind Isak’s back. Isak turned away from the window and smiled at the man he could almost call his boyfriend if they were like normal people.

“It works really well. I love it. It’s. I’m just so close to you like this.”

Even stirred the sauce he was making. The pasta was boiling, and the table was set. Isak didn’t remember the last time he had cooked a meal for himself, these past couple of weeks he had either eaten here, or at a restaurant with Even, or heated up leftovers from food Even had made him.

Isak watched Even and smiled. It felt so right, to stand here, in this kitchen filled with delicious smell of food. Even was so wonderful. He never even tried to touch him, not once, and the more he avoided it the more Isak sort of missed it. He had toyed with the idea a couple of times, of letting Even touch him, if nothing more than a hug or a stroke at the back. But he couldn’t. It was too much. He had learned to accept it that he was broken, but now it was starting to bother him again.

That was a small price to pay for what he had with Even.

Their long talks, well into the night. The movies Even showed him. The poems Even read aloud to him. The way Even listened, without a single yawn, to Isak go on and on about city infrastructure. His current obsession were street lights. Even let him talk about them for hours.

Even poured the water out of the pot and mixed the pasta into the sauce.

“Dinner’s ready. I hope you’re hungry.”

Isak couldn’t stop smiling.

“Starving.”

They sat down by the table. Even ladled the hot pasta in their bowls and grated fresh parmesan cheese over them. As always, he waited for Isak to taste the food first, this mixture of nervousness and pride all over his face, that melted into a huge grin when Isak nodded and told him the food tasted really great. This time was no exception, and like always, Isak didn’t have to lie one bit. Even made really good italian food.

About half way through their dinner Isak put his fork down and looked up at Even.

“Even. I’ve been thinking about something.”

“Mmhm?”

Isak waited for Even to finish his mouthful and raise his eyes.

“First I’d like you to know that what I’m about to tell you is a huge deal to me. I trust you to not make me feel like shit about it.”

“Okay.” Even put his fork down and wiped his lips with his napkin. “I won’t. I promise.”

Isak nodded. He believed Even. If he didn’t, he wouldn’t be doing this.

“I’ve been feeling so close to you lately. Wearing your shirts. And.” He paused. This was a huge, huge deal for him. But he wanted to do this. “I think it’s time for me to give something back, too.”

Even looked at him in silence. Isak waited, patiently.

“Are you suggesting that -- I don’t even know what you’re suggesting.”

“No touching. I’m sorry, I just. I can’t.” Isak looked at Even carefully, trying to catch the tiniest bit of disappointment. He didn’t see any. “But I had an appointment earlier this week that gave me an idea I would like to try. With you.”

Even leaned a bit closer.

“I’m intrigued.”

“I have a rope in my bag.”

Isak was so nervous. He stood in the bathroom, in his underwear, staring at the door he had closed between him and Even. It was time. He wanted this. He was comfortable with this -- at least comfortable enough to give it a go. He took a deep breath and pushed the door open.

Even was waiting for him by the bedroom door. He was also in his underwear, and he looked so good it made Isak’s mouth water. Even’s eyes scanned every inch of Isak carefully and then stopped to stare at the rope he was holding.

“If this feels uncomfortable to you at any point we can just stop. Okay?”

“Yes. And back at you.”

Isak nodded too. Then he took the rope, folded it in two and tied it around his wrist. Not tightly, but tight enough to restrain his hand. He took his time, focusing on how the rope felt on his skin, how the touch was like of clothes but still not at all. Isak handed the other end of the rope for Even, and with Isak’s guidance Even tied it around his own wrist. There was about half a meter of rope between their hands. Even left a bit more loose and tied up his other wrist, and Isak finished the job by tying the end around his free wrist.

“Step back a bit.” Even did. The rope connecting them tightened. “Now let my hands guide yours. Close your eyes and let me move you.”

Even closed his eyes. Isak moved his left hand up. Even’s right hand followed the rope, and as it did, they both breathed in a bit slower, through their mouth. Isak’s skin was tingling, but not in a bad way at all.

They practiced for a moment. Just moving their hands, up and down, pulled them apart, pushed them together, in slow, focused motions. Even kept his eyes closed. He let Isak move him, in any way he wanted to. The rope held on tho his wrists, but he could handle it. Actually, he found it almost pleasurable.

“You can open your eyes now. But don’t move. Let me guide you.”

Even opened his eyes. They looked darker. Intensely focused. Isak licked his lips quickly.

“Let’s get on the bed. On our knees. I don’t trust my legs right now.”

It took a bit of coordination but they managed to get on the bed. They stood up on their knees, facing each other, still connected by rope.

“You look really nice with rope”, Isak said. Even blushed. It was adorable, and hot.

“So do you. And I really like this. What we’re doing. It feels really good.”

Isak nodded. He agreed. It did feel really good. Then he moved his hand, up to his chest. Even’s hand followed the rope, and his fingers pressed against his own chest. He didn’t break their eye contact, and neither did Isak. Nor the focused silence between them, as Isak slid his hand down his chest and Even did the same with his body.

Isak touched his thigh with his other hand. Outer thigh first, then his inner thigh, and Even followed him. His eyes were so dark. They were filled with wonder. Isak moved their hand up along their thigh and over their underwear. He felt himself swell against his palm and knew from the tiny moan Even let out that he was getting hard too.

Isak hesitated. He hadn’t planned exactly how far they should go. He stood still for a moment, looking for strength from Even, and it was given to him in plenty. The loose length of rope between his hands tickled on his thighs, and he let his both hands flow down to them. Even smelled so good. His scent filled Isak’s head, his closeness filled his heart, and his own touch filled his underwear. Isak was breathing heavier, and so was Even.

“Is this okay?” Isak asked, stroking at his inner thigh with his thumb. Even stroked his, his lips parted. Isak could almost feel Even’s excitement purr along the ropes into him. This was okay, Isak knew it before Even nodded.

“Please”, Even said, real quietly. Isak could more see his lips move than hear him speak. “Please.”

This was a huge deal.

For both of them. If they did this, if Isak went there, this would be their first time. This dark January night, cradled in thick white snow, would be the night it happened. Forever.

Isak moved his right hand up his thigh and over his hip. Even moved his left hand. Shit. They should have crossed the rope. Isak raised his brows at Even, looking for help again, and Even smiled at him. He nodded. Isak nodded too. Okay.

Left hand. The rubber band of his underwear. Isak grabbed his and pulled it down, past his hard dick Even could now see for the first time. But Even didn’t look down at it. He looked into Isak’s eyes, constantly, he kept their eyes locked, and as Even pulled his underwear down Isak didn’t look, either.

Isak wrapped his fingers around his dick. Now he was happy he had been impatient lately, touching himself at least a couple of times a week, because that practice meant he could now grab himself without having to deal with it. He just did it, and enjoyed the feeling. For a moment Isak just held it, and Even held his, and they looked in each other’s eyes and forgot to blink at all. Forgot to breathe.

Isak pulled his hand up slowly. Even did the same, following the rope. They both moaned, softly. It felt so different than ever before. The pleasure, the sensation of his touch, it filled Isak up completely. Every cell in his body was conscious and celebrating. It was his first time with Even, and it was perfect. It was slow motions, locked eyes, the gentle grip of the rope, huge snowflakes falling silently outside the window. It was more than Isak could have imagined it to be.

The tension of the rope kept steady. Even followed Isak’s hand exactly, or was it Isak following his, he didn’t know anymore. All he knew was that their full attention was completely focused on each other, and their dance together, and their growing, demanding pleasure. Isak’s nipples were hard and tight, his hand was almost shaking as it traveled up and down his throbbing shaft, he could smell the drops of precum and hear their thin, shaky gasps. He looked at Even and wanted to kiss him, so bad, kiss him for real and long and hard, but he knew that if he tried to this would end in tears.

Isak did not want this to end. Like, at all.

“You’re so beautiful”, Even whispered, or gasped, or sighed. “You feel so great.”

Isak couldn’t answer him. He opened his mouth but all that came out was a soft moan, or a gasp, or a sigh. But Even was beautiful. Isak was feeling so great. He moved his hand faster. The rope made his moves slower than normal, he had to consider it, to give Even time to respond, but these slow, torturing strokes were pulling him towards the peak if not fast, at least determined. Isak had never in his life jerked off this slowly, not at this point anymore, not this close to coming, when his whole being was filled with urgent need.

Even came first. He came in his hand, moaning Isak’s name. He moved his hand so that the rope became loose, so Isak could go faster now. He did. He went fast, so fast, he needed to come right this second and then he did. He did. He closed his eyes for the first time since he climbed up on this bed, facing Even, and he let his pleasure take him over freely and completely.

“Leave it”, Even whispered as Isak started to undo the rope. “Please.”

Isak hesitated. A part of him wanted to break free, maybe escape to the bathroom for a moment, just to recover and think about what had just happened. But Even was so beautiful. Isak was so warm. He let the rope be and laid down on his side on the bed, and Even followed his motions exactly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Brace yourselves. The angst is coming soon.


	18. Chapter 18

Even fell asleep a minute later. Isak couldn’t sleep. He looked at Even, at his peaceful, satisfied expression, and tried to come up with a single word to describe it, just to pass the time. Tranquil. Happy. Content. Whole. All words, that felt unreachable to Isak himself. Especially in the middle of a sleepless night, bound to a lover.

Literally, Isak thought. Then he paused. Literally bound, or literally a lover? A bit of both? Did he, Isak Valtersen, the broken little freak, have a lover now?

Did he want one?

Could he handle one?

It was almost remarkable, how quietly and immobile one was able to panic.

Nobody could have told it from the outside. Isak was laying there, on the bed, facing Even, on his side and his wrists bound to Even’s wrists with rope. His fingers slightly bent, his knee too, his whole body relaxed and ready to drift to sleep in the warm, soft afterglow. But directly beneath that surface he was fighting the growing urge to just bite through the rope and run away into the night.

Hell, biting through his arm felt like an actual option, too.

It wasn’t Even. Isak didn’t want to run away from him. He wanted to run from this, whatever this was, that was floating between them in the air, creeping inside him through each slow, forcefully steady breath. Isak had been alone so long. It was really fucking scary to even think about letting Even in, and at the same time Even was entering with such ease. He was walking into Isak’s soul with the simplicity of walking into a supermarket.

Isak wanted to go home. He wanted to call Jonas and talk about this with him. He wanted to take one of the pills Magnus gave him and fall asleep. He was being ridiculous. He had made love to his boyfriend for the first time, and floating in the afterglow, and all he wanted was to be anywhere else but here.

He could untie the ropes. But that might wake Even up. Even waking up would mean Isak would have to explain himself to Even, and that explanation would raise questions he couldn’t answer, and the night of their first time together would evolve into the night of their first big fight. Isak couldn’t have that. Especially not since he had no idea when they would have sex again. Would they ever.

It wasn’t that the sex this time had been bad. Because it hadn’t. It was perfect, it was amazing, and really great, and Even fulfilled every wish Isak could ever make. But this. This feeling after it, it felt like. It felt like being touched. Even wasn’t in contact with him in any way, but as Isak laid there on his side on the bed, looking at Even, all he could feel were Even’s arms around him.

Breathe. Steady. Slow. Breathe.

For some reason Isak thought about the stones he had piled up on his client. Their gentle clacking sound. Their smooth weight. He was lying on his side but still he felt the stones being stacked on his chest. They were getting heavy. He couldn’t do this. He would have to wake Even up and tell him he couldn’t do this, and he would have to leave and never return, knowing that he almost had something really great but then couldn’t keep it alive.

Isak moved his fingers. They crept along the sheets, towards Even, bit by bit. The rope got caught under his wrist and pulled as he reached out to touch Even’s cheek. It chafed on the thin skin on the underside, and the contrast between the rope and the smooth sheets was sharp enough for Isak to focus on it. He focused his full attention on it, he turned his hand a bit to make the rope chafe him more and when it got painful he pulled his hand slowly back again. Even was still fast asleep.

Oh fuck, how jealous of him Isak was right now. If he only could fall asleep he wouldn’t have to lie here and think about these things. He wouldn’t be tired tomorrow, when Even would wake up rested and happy and give Isak a smile made of pure starlight. The sun was a star, Isak thought, not sure why. He really needed to sleep, but he couldn’t.

He looked at the ropes again. The plied strings coiling around each other, round and round, and then them all wrapped around his wrist together as one. Wasn’t some wedding ceremony like this? They tied up the bride and groom, at their hands, right? Isak wished he could remember. He wanted to know which religion had just wed them.

God, he was tired, wasn’t he?

Isak let his eyes wander from the rope to Even. Even was too bright for him to look at once, but he could focus on smaller details, one at the time. The cupid’s bow on his lovely lips. The single black hair on his chin, repeatedly missed by the electric razor. His nostrils, the way they quivered the tiniest bit with his breathing. The sharp curve of his cheekbone, the arch of his brow, his hairline. Isak took Even in piece by piece and spread all the pieces in front of him on the table. He didn’t put the puzzle together.

A constellation, Isak thought. Each detail he focused on was a star, and they formed a constellation on the sky of the endless night. Millions and millions of years apart, in time and distance, and still forming one celestial image to gaze upon. A miracle.

That was just it, wasn’t it? The astronomer could look at the stars for all his life, and never touch any of them.

Isak couldn’t feel the shoulder he was laying on anymore. Could he turn on his back, maybe? It would be tricky to do without pulling at the ropes, but he could manage it. But then he couldn’t keep looking at Even, not without killing his neck. He decided to stay here. Maybe the numbness would spread all the way to his heart too.

Even rustled in his sleep. He shifted his legs a bit, and rubbed his cheek on the mattress, but he didn’t wake up. Isak held his breath for a moment, just in case, but Even stayed asleep. Isak’s imprisonment wasn’t over just yet.

Maybe it was a good thing, really. He couldn’t escape. He was stuck here, and he couldn’t run away before morning, and the night he and Even had sex for the first time would stay just that, forever, and the morning after it would be the morning Isak ran away without looking back. But tonight would be untainted. They would always have tonight.

In hindsight, Isak really shouldn’t have gone that far. But he had, and he did, and it was now done, and the biggest part of Isak was happy he had done it. The rest of him was a tightly wound ball of mess and hurt. Isak had to suddenly blink really hard to keep himself from crying. He couldn’t cry, that might wake Even up. So he blinked. He could do this. Just a few hours more and it would be morning, and Even would wake up, and he could go.

He wouldn’t tell Even that he wouldn’t be coming back. Not yet. He would stretch it as far as he could, making up excuse after excuse to keep from seeing Even until maybe one horrible, black day Even just wouldn’t ask anymore. It might take longer than one should expect. Even was persistent.

Would Isak be relieved when Even finally gave up? Or would the last spark of hope inside him die? Maybe both? But at least Even would be free, and vibrant, and wonderful, and he would possibly mourn for a bit, feel sorry for himself a lot, and then he would carry on. As if this had been nothing.

That thought gave Isak some comfort. Even would get over him. Isak would never get over Even, but it wasn’t like he would be getting together with anyone else either. Ever. This was it, Isak thought, as he laid in the dark, trying to have the world’s most quiet nervous breakdown, this was his chance for love.

Outside the snow kept falling. If one stood on the street and looked up all they could see was a cascade of soft white cold feathers, materializing from the black sky and drifting down until they met the millions of their kind, not a single one just alike.


	19. Chapter 19

Finally, Even woke up. It happened gradually, like one wakes up from a good night’s sleep. It started with a little sigh, then a little smile, and when Even opened his eyes a little bit and saw Isak in front of him that smile grew.

“Hi”, Even whispered. Isak did his best to smile.

“Good morning.”

Isak had no idea how he would make it through the morning. But he had to. His heart was aching so much, he held onto it with two hands but the pieces it had broken into were so tiny they slipped between his fingers. Even would find them from his carpet years later, frown at the sharp shards stuck on the bottom of his sock and shake them off to the trash where they belonged.

Even yawned. He didn’t make a move towards Isak, he didn’t even begin to act on the reflex of wrapping his arms around the person he woke up to, to pull them closer. Maybe the rope reminded him. It seemed to amuse Even a lot, the fact that they were still tied together. He grinned.

“This is the first time in my life I’m still tied up when I wake up.”

Isak made a sound that he hoped sounded like a chuckle.

“Me too. But it’s getting old, isn’t it?”

Even looked at him for a moment. Carefully. He was examining Isak, and Isak wanted to get up and leave the room, but he couldn’t because he was still tied to Even.

“I really need to pee, you know.”

That worked. Even snapped out of his thoughts and helped Isak untie the ropes. They hadn’t been tight, but the overnight hold had left their imprints on their skin. Isak ran his fingers over the bumps and grooves on his way to the bathroom. His skin felt smooth, like polished, and delightfully numb.

After relieving himself Isak washed his hands. He looked at the imprints on his wrists. He didn’t look at the mirror. He knew he looked like shit, he always did after a sleepless night. He just wanted to get ready and go home, pop a pill and sleep. At the same time he didn’t want to leave. Because this was the last time he saw Even. He had become near addicted to Even’s light.

He would survive in the darkness. He had this far.

Isak dried his hands and stepped out of the bathroom to make room for Even. While Even was in there Isak started packing his things. He decided to leave his toothbrush behind, and his spare clothes too. Even didn’t need to know it was over, not yet.

“Holy shit!” Even yelled from the bathroom.

“What is it?” Isak’s heart was thumping. He was so scared Even had figured it out and caught him.

“Oslo is snowed in. Wait. I’ll be out right away.”

Even washed his hands and emerged from the bathroom holding his phone. He showed the screen to Isak. A news story about the surprise snowfall that had lasted all night and was still going on. Over twenty centimeters of snow was covering the streets, the traffic was in chaos and the trams didn’t run at all. Isak rushed to the window and looked outside. Instead of streets he saw snow. The cars that were parked by the sidewalks were buried, they were just white mounds. A lone set of footprints traveled down the sidewalk, a line of deep holes being already filled out by the clusters of snowflakes plummeting down from the sky.

He was stuck here.

It was probably impossible to get a taxi. He was not equipped for a walk through all that snow. If he borrowed boots or something from Even he would have to return them, and that meant seeing Even again. It was not an option. Isak pressed his fingertips against the cool glass. The imprints of the rope were still there. Maybe they’d be there for good. A lifelong reminder of what once was and what could have been.

“Shit, it really is bad.” Even’s voice right behind him made Isak jump. He wrapped his arms around himself, briefly, but he couldn’t really tolerate even his own touch right now.

“Yes. It looks like I’m stuck here for now.”

“They say it can take two days to clear the streets. Depends on how fast the clouds pass over.”

Isak was happy he wasn’t facing Even, so Even couldn’t see his shock. Two days. Two more nights with no sleep. But maybe the clouds would pass. Maybe the snow would melt. This was Norway, it wasn’t like they didn’t have the infrastructure for clearing the streets of snow. But Isak knew that there were priorities, like the main roads and highways, and this much at once in such a wide area posed a whole lot of problems. One did not simply haul off twenty centimeters of snow.

“Well, fuck.”

“Luckily I just stocked up the fridge. And my meds.”

“I have to finish a paper by Monday. Can I use your laptop?”

That was a lie. But Isak really, really needed some guaranteed time alone away from Even. He needed to call Jonas, or text him at least, and he needed to have a good, long cry.

“Sure. I’ll just watch a movie or something while you’re working.” Even left the window and went to the kitchen. “I’m thinking about pancakes for breakfast. How about you?”

“Sounds great, babe.” Isak barely heard what Even said. He was still staring outside the window. How in the name of the fucking hell would he pull this off? There wasn’t any options. He had to pull this off. He could. He was a professional, wasn’t he? Isak leaned his shoulder on the window pane and listened to the sounds of Even making his boyfriend breakfast that he had no idea was the third to last one ever.

The snow kept falling all day, and showed no signs of stopping when it got dark outside. Isak had no recollections of the day. Every last bit of his energy had gone to not freaking out in front of Even. He had to keep himself together, because if he didn’t, Even would have to live with him for two days immediately after breaking up with him. Even had seemed fine recently, but Isak knew what dark waters were rolling directly underneath the placid surface. He knew how fragile a balance like that could be.

“Isak”, Even said, in a tone that popped the magic bubble of phone fiddling that had formed around Isak. Isak raised his eyes. He was so nervous. He had pulled his sleeves over his wrists but he knew the marks were still faintly visible. He could feel them without touching them.

“Yeah?”

“I would like to bathe you.”

Isak was ready to run out through the door. Through the actual structure, leaving an Isak shaped hole on Even’s apartment door. Even noticed that and raised his hands, his palms facing Isak.

“No. No. Not like that. I promise I won’t touch you at all.”

Isak tried to relax. He kind of managed to. Sort of.

“You’ve been like that all day. Tense. Like, super tense. And I’ve been thinking about what I could do to help, and then I remembered this thing my mother did when I was a kid. She’d take some water in a bowl and then ladle it over me. It felt really nice, and it calmed me down every time.” Even looked at Isak, and Isak could tell this really had bothered him all day. Isak wasn’t the only one who knew how to fake, it seemed. “Would you let me try that out with you?”

Isak wanted to say no. He wanted to be able to say yes and mean it.

“Yeah, I guess. We can try.”

Even smiled. He looked relieved and excited. He really thought this would work, poor thing.

“Great. You go in the bathroom, I’ll try to find a suitable ladle.”

Isak got up and walked to the bathroom. He was almost proud of his work. His steps were so steady and unrushed, just like his seams weren’t giving out at all. The strings were so fine the bare eye couldn’t see them. He was just like a real boy. A living doll. In the bathroom Isak still avoided the mirror. He undressed quickly and turned off the light before he stepped into the shower, with his back turned to the door.

He heard Even enter. Even didn’t turn the light on. He left the bathroom door cracked, so it didn’t get completely dark.

“I’ve found cool water works best. You might want to turn the shower on so you won’t get cold.”

Isak fumbled at the tap and managed to turn the water on. It was warm. It didn’t feel bad. He closed his eyes and hoped the shower hid his shaking. He was barely holding it together and here we was, in a position where Even was watching him. Real close. Isak opened his mouth to speak, to tell Even he was sorry, but Even spoke first.

“I’m going to start now. I’ll pour some water on your right shoulder. Tell me if it’s too cold.”

Isak felt the water hit him. Even poured it slowly, in a steady stream. It felt cool. It felt soft. It drew Isak a border and contained him, in a way. He felt the water run along his skin and he knew exactly where his body ended. He opened his eyes and looked at the wall in front of him.

“Is the temperature okay?”

“Yes”, Isak managed to say. He was shaking, but not because of the cold.

“Now, the left shoulder.”

Even poured the water on Isak again and again. Every time he told Isak where he was going to pour, and every time he did exactly what he had told. The warm shower helped Isak to keep warm, and its contrast to the coolness felt pleasant, as well. Isak had no idea how many ladles Even emptied on him, but it took a long time. The ones Even poured over his head felt the best.

“That’s it”, Even said, “I’m out of water now. How are you feeling?”

Isak took a deep breath. He was still hurting, but he was more focused. He could do this. He would stay on the couch and wait for the morning to come and then he would do it one more time and then, then he could leave.

“Better”, Isak said, quietly. He turned around slowly.

Even was standing there, with his biggest pot and a ladle in his hands, and he was wearing his pajamas. His sleeves and his legs were pretty much soaked.

“What --”

Even shrugged.

“I didn’t want to touch you accidentally, so I covered up.”

“But you’re all wet. Aren’t you cold?”

“Nah. It’s not too bad. Are you cold?”

Isak shook his head. He wasn’t. The shower was nice and warm, and seeing Even standing there, practically dripping water, and catering to Isak’s needs without making it into a point in any way -- it made Isak feel warmer on the inside, too.

He even managed to look Even in the eye.

“Thank you. That actually helped.”

Even nodded.

“Rituals tend to have a soothing effect.”

“Is that what this was? A ritual?”

Even shrugged.

“Many cultures have rituals where water is poured over people. I don’t think it’s a coincidence.”

“Heh. First you wed me, then you baptise me?”

Even raised his eyebrows impressively high.

“Wed? Are we married now?”

Isak shook his head.

“No. Never mind. I was just being silly.”

Even just hummed. He put the pot and the ladle away and tried to twist his pajamas dry.

“Well, this is not working. At all. Are you done with the shower? I could use some warmth myself.”

Isak was done. He took a towel from Even and stepped out of the shower, dried himself up quickly and left the bathroom so Even could undress. Isak wrapped the towel around himself as tight as he could. He had just discovered his borders and he didn’t want to lose them just yet.

He didn’t want to cross them by accident.


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for lack of updates, I just had the worst week. I hope this angst makes up for the wait.

Isak couldn’t remember anything from the next day, either. His whole being had been reduced to trying to keep himself together, and keep Even from noticing how bad Isak was having it. He was probably failing at that. At least Even hadn’t said anything. He had stopped by the living room door when he got out of the shower and said good night to Isak, who was curled up in the bed he had hurriedly assembled on the couch.

Even was so kind to him. It didn’t make this easier, at all.

“It’s stopped.”

Even’s voice pulled Isak back into the room. He just now realized neither of them had said a word all day. Now that the silence was broken the air felt slightly easier to breathe.

“What?”

Even nodded at the window.

“The snow. It’s stopped.”

Isak got up and hurried to see. The snow had stopped falling, and the sky was getting clear. There were black tears in the fabric of the clouds. Isak raised his hand and thread his fingers through them, trying to pull them bigger. He needed to go home. He needed to break down.

Even was suddenly behind him. Not too close, but almost. No, he was too close in these circumstances, now that Isak was this crumbly. But Even didn’t know that. He really tried to accommodate Isak, and that broke Isak’s heart. He was going to do a terrible thing to a good man. A fragile man.

“Isak”, Even said. “I’m sorry.”

Isak didn’t turn around. Even was too close. He didn’t say anything, either, because what could he have said? He just stood there, his heart thumping, waiting to hear what Even was sorry about.

“I don’t think this is working out.”

Isak stopped breathing. Even was dumping him. He had the guts to do it face to face. Or, well, back to face. This was perfect. Isak didn’t have to ghost Even. No awkward texts after days of radio silence. No responsibility of Even’s broken heart. This wasn’t working out, and Isak was free.

Why did that feel this bad?

It felt like the clouds turned to lead and crashed down on top of Isak. It was so dark in there, and so heavy, and so lonely. When Isak touched his face his cheeks were wet.

“Why?” Isak managed to ask.

Even sighed.

“Because you don’t want to let me in. Sure, you can’t, and I get it, but you also don’t want to. That’s something I can’t work with, no matter how hard I try.”

Even sounded upset. Isak couldn’t comfort him, at all. He was too caught up in his own panic pushing to the surface again. Even was leaving him. It was the worst thing that had ever happened to him, and it was all his own fault.

“Even --” Isak tried. But he couldn’t. Now he knew he wouldn’t have actually dumped Even in secret. He couldn’t have. But Even could, and he did, and he was right. This was not working, at all.

“I have to get out before it’s too late”, Even said. His voice sounded thick and shaky. Like hearing it through the clouds. Isak tried to push them away, to dig his way out from under them, but he didn’t have the strength. Even laughed, short and low and without joy. “Hell, it  _ is _ too late. But I must control the damage.”

Isak kept staring out the window. He had brought this on himself. He had pushed Even away, with both hands, and Even had finally taken the hint. Isak felt the cold air radiate from the glass and wondered if he could slit his wrists by slamming his hands through the window.

“Can you please say something?”

Isak shook his head. He couldn’t say anything. There was nothing in him now, and if he opened his mouth the lead of the clouds would flow inside and suffocate him.

Then again. He did want to die right now.

“I’m scared.”

Isak didn’t see the shift in Even’s expression, but he could feel it in the air around them. Something was shifting its position, something was moving, setting into place, Isak just had no idea what it was. He did know he would have to keep talking.

“It was too much. I don’t regret having sex with you and it felt so good. It was perfect. But it was too much.” Isak wrapped his arms around himself but couldn’t handle his own touch. He would have to have this conversation unprotected. “I’ve been barely holding together for two days now.”

“I have noticed.”

Isak tried to decipher Even’s tone. He couldn’t. The clouds muffled everything. Isak could barely see through the mist.

“I can’t handle you”, Isak whispered. “It’s unfair and it’s wrong, but it is what it is. You’re too much for me.”

“Anything is too much for you.”

Isak closed his eyes. Even was right. He was broken. He couldn’t be fixed. He knew that, yet hearing Even say it hurt. He was about to tell Even again how sorry he was, but Even spoke again.

“I am sorry I pushed myself at you. I just really like you and I thought I could fix you. It’s not fair. You’re not something to be fixed, you’re not broken. You’re just you.”

Isak opened his eyes slowly. Even was wrong. Isak should have told him that, but it was so hard.

“You don’t think I’m broken?”

“Of course not. You’re untouchable. Different doesn’t equal broken, and I am really sorry for forgetting about that with you.”

Isak had missed something important. He frowned, poking at his brain, trying to come up with what it was.

_ I just really like you. _

Isak turned around, slowly. He stepped back but his back hit the glass. Even retreated instead, giving him space.

“You. Like me?”

Even looked pained. Defeated.

Ashamed.

“Yes. I really like you. I like dating you, and I like you. But you can’t handle it, and I can’t handle you not handling it, and therefore this should just stop.”

Isak pressed his hands on the window sill and squeezed it. The clouds were not lead anymore. Isak could feel their moisture on his skin. He looked up at Even.

“I would like you to know how much I’d love to kiss you right now.”

“I am trying to dump you here. Can’t you cut a guy some slack?”

“You are really, really bad at dumping people, it seems.”

“I am?”

Isak looked at Even. His shame was still there, diluted by confusion. Isak owed him this much. He owed Even his own shame.

“I was going to leave yesterday morning and just never come back. That’s how you dump someone. You leave. Telling them you really like them is bad practice.”

Even glanced outside. The sky was clearing but the streets were still drowned in snow.

“Fuck, you really are a dick, aren’t you?”

Isak nodded.

“Yes. I am. And you’re right, I don’t let you in. I don’t give much of myself, not to anyone. I’m nothing but obstacles and hurdles and issues wrapped inside a pretty shell, and I must tell you that I doubt I’m worth all that trouble.”

They were quiet for a moment. Then Even sighed.

“If there’s something I know, it’s trouble.”

The clouds traveled across the sky, getting more and more ragged on the way. Isak stood by the window watching them disappear, and as the sky cleared, so did the weight on his shoulders and chest. He sniffed at the collar of Even’s hoodie, and the familiar smell made him smile. It was a smile you needed a microscope to observe, but it was there.

The sky was dark and the few stars that made it past the scattering lights of the city looked pale and distant. Except for one star. It was bright and white, and big, and Isak stared at it and made a wish over and over again.

“Dinner’s ready”, Even said and appeared from the kitchen. He walked to the window and looked out. “Still planning your great escape?”

Isak hummed.

“Just making a wish upon a star.”

“I thought it had to be some special star. Like the first star you see or something?”

“I went for the big one. It looks strong and powerful.”

Even searched for a moment. Then he chuckled.

“That one? It’s not a star.”

Isak frowned. What did Even mean? Isak had been staring at it for a while now and it didn’t move, it wasn’t a satellite or a plane or something like that.

“It’s not?”

“No. See how it doesn’t twinkle at all? The reason it’s so big and bright is that it’s so up close. It’s Venus. A planet. The light you see is from the Sun.”

“Oh”, Isak said. “So, it’s just a reflection?”

“Basically, yes. But it is beautiful, isn’t it?”

“It is. Beautiful, but not magical.”

Even chuckled again. Cooking always lifted his spirits. And not breaking up probably helped, too.

“I wouldn’t trust my wishes on celestial bodies, no. I’d rather try making them come true myself.”

Isak turned around. Even stepped back. Every time Even did that it made Isak’s heart both sing and sink. But he tried to listen to the song.

“What?” Even asked after a short silence. He looked a bit scared. Timid. Almost shy. He looked like Isak was feeling.

“I’m glad you suck at breaking up.”

“I might get better at it.”

“To be honest, it might be good for you.”

Even looked over Isak’s shoulder, out through the window.

“What did you wish for?”

Isak hesitated. He didn’t believe in magic, and he hadn’t wished upon a star, but uttering a wish out loud was a powerful act.

“A kiss.”

He didn’t elaborate. He wanted to see if Even would get it.

“That’s a big one.”

Even didn’t move at all. He got it. He always seemed to get it, and Isak felt like an idiot for considering throwing something that precious away.

“Yes. That’s why I chose the biggest star.”

Even nodded.

“Just tell me when I get too intense. Or when things get too much. I need you to tell me, otherwise I’ll just make up all kinds of terrible things in my head until I believe in them more than I believe in us.”

Isak sighed. He wanted to say he would. He wanted to be able to.

“I promise to try.”

Even nodded again. He was smiling, though.

“I will do my best to help you keep that promise. Come now, dinner’s getting cold.”

Even turned around and went to the kitchen. Isak glanced at the sky and saw the steady, bright glow of the planet. Venus. The goddess of love. Maybe his wish hadn’t been lost after all.


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I took so long! Been busy, and finishing up my Big Bang fic (it's DONE hooray!), and busy, and. Well, here, have some decaf angst! Proper stuff coming up next chapter.

With time, it got easier again. Isak spent most of his nights home, but some nights he just forgot to leave Even’s place until it was too late and he had to stay for the night. He slept in the bed with Even those nights. They didn’t have sex anymore, and when Isak dug out the courage to ask if it bothered Even the answer was always no. Isak really tried to believe him.

His sleeping problems were still persistent. He got barely any sleep if he didn’t take a pill, and by now he knew that he was addicted to them. That wouldn’t really have been a problem to him otherwise, but there was one minor practical detail. They were running out, fast. Isak would have to contact Magnus and ask for more, and that was not a conversation he was looking forward to.

Isak shoved the last two pills in his pocket and decided to text Mags on his way to his customer. That way he wouldn’t have to worry obsessively over the reply, he could just focus on his work and when it would be done he could see what Magnus had said. Simple and easy, right? Especially since this particular customer demanded Isak’s full attention and focus for the whole session. Isak wrote the message a couple of times over and finally, just as he arrived to his customer’s place with his duffle bag, he hit send.

Isak turned his phone on mute and pushed it in the bag. Now he would dedicate three hours of himself to his customer. For the past week Isak had been really looking forward to his appointments. At work he knew exactly what was expected of him and that he satisfied the needs presented to him. It was so much simpler than an actual relationship. Maybe Even should start paying him again.

Of course, Even couldn’t afford him. Damn.

“Hello”, Isak greeted his customer as he entered the apartment. “How have you been feeling?”

With this one he started immediately he arrived. He chatted with the man, friendly and politely, as he took off his winter clothes and walked to the bedroom. The customer was already wearing his hospital gown, and as soon as they got into the bedroom he laid down on a hospital bed. Isak waited while the man put the cuff of the blood pressure meter around his upper arm.

Isak sat down on the saddle chair by the bed and turned the meter on.

“Just relax, sir. This will only take a moment.”

Which it did. In less than a minute Isak got a reading, and he marked it down on a chart on his clipboard, in the company of an almost full page of similar markings. He wrote down the time, as well. In five minutes he would be measuring it again, then again every five minutes for the whole session.

The man was using his free hand to touch himself under the gown. Isak didn’t mind it. It was never brought up in conversation, and it was always covered up, so it was easy to just ignore it. It wasn’t done because of him in particular, he could have been anybody. This was well within his rules, definitely.

While waiting for the five minutes to pass Isak turned on the numerous monitors and devices surrounding the bed. The heart rate monitor was his customer’s favourite, and that Isak always delayed turning on. To be honest, the beeping could get on his own nerves, but his client didn’t mind the anticipation of waiting. Win-win. Isak checked the readings and read them out loud, to the man’s great delight.

An hour in their session Isak turned the heart rate monitor on. He listened to the pulse beep faster and faster as the man approached his climax. He observed the monitor and if the man's’ heart was beating faster than his limit for today Isak would notify him about it and he would stop touching himself until he had calmed down. That was pushing on the limits of Isak’s rules, but he had decided to let it slide. It was good money, and he could handle it.

Isak was kind of impressed when their session ended. The client hadn’t come once. He had been edging himself for the whole three hours. Isak had no idea if he would go all the way to the end after Isak left or not, because he never told Isak. Isak preferred it that way. He just took his bag, got dressed and left.

As soon as Isak stepped outside he checked his phone. There was a message from Magnus. Multiple messages, all of them said the same thing: call me. Isak sighed. He didn’t want to, but he needed the pills. He was feeling tired after the session, and he was going to Even’s place for the night, and he probably needed to take both of the pills he had left tonight.

“Finally! Where were you?”

“I was out, sorry. What is it?”

Magnus didn’t speak for a moment. He just made some weird sounds that were probably supposed to tell Isak Magnus was thinking. So, he waited.

“Have you run out of the pills? This soon?”

“I need them to sleep. I can’t get sleep without them. Like, at all. I swear I’m not just popping them whenever.”

“But you sleep with them?”

“Yes! That’s why I need them!”

Isak heard his voice get louder and colder. He didn’t like it, but he couldn’t help it. He felt the panic building up inside him, as he realized it was not only possible, but likely, that Magnus wouldn’t help him.

“Please, Mags. I need to sleep.”

“Yeah, you do, it’s just that --”

“Seriously, what’s the big deal! I can pay for them, just tell me how much!”

“There’s no need to yell.”

“No need to yell?! You’re supposed to be my friend! Friends help each other out!”

People were turning their heads to look at Isak as they passed him by. Isak barely registered it. He was focused on Magnus, and his own fear.

“I’m serious. Calm down or I’ll hang up on you.”

Isak bit the inside of his cheek to keep himself from letting Magnus know exactly what he thought about calming down. This was a bad idea, this conversation, here and now. The three hour session had taken its toll on him, and he was kind of hungry, and chronically tired. It was safe to say Isak wasn’t at his best right now.

“Sorry. But seriously, I really need more.”

“People who yell at their friends over pills they need are usually called addicts, Isak.”

Isak squeezed on his phone so hard he was almost worried it would break.

“Are you calling me a drug addict?”

“Technically, no.” Now Magnus sounded weird again. He sounded guilty, and pained, and sorry. Well, he was bound to feel sorry for providing his friend illegal drugs that got him hooked, right?

“What do you mean technically?”

Isak had to stop walking because his bag was so heavy and he was getting so worked up he couldn’t speak and breathe at the same time anymore. He dropped the bag on the ground and sat down on it.

“Magnus. Fucking tell me.”

“They’re. Well. You are addicted to the pills, I’d say, but uh. They’re not actually drugs.”

“Is this a matter of semantics or an actual thing?”

“It’s vitamin C. They’re sugar pills, but healthier.”

Isak stared in front of him, without seeing anything. Sugar pills. Vitamins. He had been popping vitamins to get sleep?

“Liar. They work.”

“Of course they do. Sleep issues are most often psychological, and a placebo effect -- well, it’s still an effect.”

Isak pulled the pills out of his pocket and apparently tried to will them into something else with the power of his gaze. It didn’t look like it was successful.

“Isak, are you there?”

“I have to go. I need to call someone.”

“Isak, you better not try get drugs from the street or something. Go see a doctor. A real one.”

“I  _ am seeing _ one, asshole. I told you, he won’t prescribe me sedatives. And now I really need to call someone, so goodbye, dickbag.”

Isak hung up and blocked Magnus immediately after. His hands were shaking, his mouth was parched and he was seeing black spots that seemed to get bigger every time he blinked. He couldn’t breathe properly. He needed to call Even, now.

“Hey, Issy, I was just thinking about you.”

“You need to come and get me. Please.”

“Of course, where are you?”

Isak looked around and described his location to Even as well as he could. No, he couldn’t go anywhere inside. No coffee shops, no burger joints, no nothing. He was stuck here, on the street, and he couldn’t get up and walk and he needed Even to come and get him, now, please.

“Hang on, babe. I’m coming.”

Isak sat on his bag in the cold, curled up as small as he could manage. He shook his head at anyone who tried to make any kind of contact with him. He was okay, he was fine. Help was on its way.


	22. Chapter 22

Isak waited. And waited. As he sat there in the cold his panic was slowly releasing its grip off him, and soon enough he was just feeling like shit. He was exhausted, and lonely, and kind of ashamed. Where the fuck was Even? Had something happened to him?

Isak checked his phone. Nothing. He raised it on his ear.

“Hey, Isak! Still thinking about you.”

“Where the fuck are you?”

“Uhhhh I’m home? I’m almost done, I’ll be there in a second.”

Home. Even was still home. What? How?

“I called you like an hour ago?”

“What? Oh, sorry, I lost the track of time -- give me, uh, twenty minutes? Twenty five? Where were you again?”

Isak pushed himself up on his feet and grabbed his bag. He was freezing. For nothing, apparently.

“Waiting for you, asshole.”

“There’s no reason to be yelling. I’m just a little bit late, and I’m sorry.”

“I’m not yelling!” Fuck, everyone he talked with today seemed to think he was yelling. What was wrong with people? “I’m mad at you!”

“And that’s why you’re yelling. Please stop?”

“Tell me, Even. What is so important? What is stopping you from coming to help me when I need you?”

“You don’t sound like you need me.”

“Well, not anymore! I needed you, and you didn’t come, even though you said you would. What do you have to say to defend yourself?”

Even was quiet for a moment.

“I didn’t know I had to defend myself against you.”

His voice was like ice. Or maybe Isak was just so cold from waiting outside in this weather. For a fucking hour.

“Just tell me what you were doing!”

“No.”

“Excuse me?”

“No”, Even repeated. “It’s a secret.”

A secret. Isak was so mad he couldn’t really handle it at all. Even thought he was yelling? He had seen nothing yet.

“I can’t be having this conversation now.”

“I can hear you’re walking. Come here while you’re at it, you’ll see when you get here.”

“I’m making no promises. If I appear there, it means I agreed to come. Bye.”

Isak hung up on Even and turned his phone on mute. He was freezing, and he was starving, and he was really pissed off. But he had to get rid of this energy inside him before he could go see Even. If he was going. He still didn’t know.

Isak opted for a power walk around the park. Moving made him warm up, and dragging his bag made him pissed off at the bag’s weight instead of his friends or boyfriend-ishes or anyone else. By the time he had made it once around the whole park he had cooled off internally as well as on the outside. He couldn’t feel his face anymore.

He was also starting to feel a bit like a dick for yelling at Magnus and Even. Mags hadn’t done anything wrong, just tried to help him out, and Even -- well. He was being Even. Isak knew he was a handful, and he knew that he was probably being unreasonable. It wasn’t normal to expect someone to drop everything just because Isak had a hard time being Isak.

When Isak finally reached Even’s door he wasn’t feeling his face, his arms or his legs. He could feel his heart, and it was racing. He should have gone home, but he wasn’t feeling stable enough to face the note on his wall. He didn’t want to cut today, but if he was alone he might have to. So, he came here. Because he was an idiot.

Even came to answer the door. He was smiling, genuinely happy to see Isak, his whole being was sparkling.

“Hey you! I was wondering if you’d just never come again. I’m really glad you decided to drop by anyway.”

It felt good. To see Even smile like that, just because he was seeing Isak. It made Isak feel worth something. He stepped inside and let Even close the door behind him.

“I’m still not sure if it’s a good idea or not. But now that I’m here I really am happy I came.”

Just like from the beginning. Isak couldn’t really handle the thought, the concept of him and Even, but when he actually was with Even everything clicked and felt easy. Comfortable. Homelike.

Even leaned in and kissed the air beside Isak’s cheek.

“I’m happy you came, too. Come, I have a surprise for you.”

“I hope it’s a blanket and a hot cup of coffee. I’m freezing.”

Even looked horrified.

“No, it’s not even remotely those things. I’m so sorry, you must be so cold. Have you been outside all this time?” As he was speaking Even rushed around the apartment, putting the coffee on and gathering blankets and socks and scarves into the living room.

“Yes. And I’m starving, too.”

Just as Isak had hoped, Even practically ran back into the kitchen to fix him something to eat. That something was some leftover pizza, warmed up in the microwave, but Isak was so hungry he would have eaten pebbles if they’d been served with a tasty sauce.

The pizza didn’t have pebbles. It was good, since the sauce wasn’t especially tasty. Isak devoured the two slices with practically three bites, and washed it down with a bottle on non alcoholic beer. At least he assumed it was non alcoholic, because it was in Even’s fridge. He paused, for a second, and turned the bottle to see the etiquette.

Well, shit.

“Why do you have regular beer in your fridge?”

“What?”

Isak walked to the living room door, holding the bottle.

“This is a regular beer. It was in your fridge. Why?”

“Because I don’t drink alcohol, I suppose? If it was non alcoholic it would be in my belly right now and -- where’s the cap, Isak?”

“In the trash. I’m not an animal like you. And who cares about the cap anyway? I drank this! You know I can’t drink!”

“It’s just one beer. I’m sure it’s okay.”

“What if it’s not!” Isak was getting really upset. He didn’t want to black out while he was here, but he couldn’t do that alone, either. He could kill himself by accident.

“You’re getting worked up again. Take a deep breath. Come on.”

Even stepped in front of Isak and looked him in the eye. Isak wanted to retreat but he didn’t want to, and Even’s eyes were so blue and full of light.

“Breathe with me. First, in.” Even took a deep, slow breath in. Isak mimicked him. Then out, equally slowly, then in, deeper. They were breathing slower and slower, and finally Isak felt he was calming down again. Even was right. It was just one beer. And Even was here to look after him. Isak trusted Even.

“Okay?” Even asked. Isak nodded.

“Yeah. I’m sorry, it’s just. Last time I drank I blacked out and cut myself. Really bad.”

“That’s how you got the scars?”

Isak realized just now that Even hadn’t asked about them before. Was this guy even real?

“Yes. I don’t. Let’s not talk about that. You said you had a surprise for me?”

Even’s face lit up again.

“Yeah! I do! And it’s ready now, come on.”

Even directed Isak to the living room and on the armchair. Isak sat down. He tried to listen to himself, his body and his brain, and determine if the beer was having an effect or not. He tried to focus on Even to shut himself up.

Even took a piece of paper and stood up in front of Even.

“I’ve made this for you. I hope you like it.”

Isak nodded. He saw Even was being nervous and self conscious all of a sudden. His head was starting to feel a bit light, and he smiled. Even had made something for him. That was. Nobody had ever made something for him. Given, yes, bought, sure, but made? Nope.

“It’s a poem. It’s titled.  _ The Boy: something beautiful and barely tangible. _ Please just listen to the end, okay?”

Isak nodded, eyes wide and round. Even had written him a poem. Isak loved it when Even read him poetry out loud and now this poem was something Even had made for him. Incredible.

_ The Boy: something beautiful and barely tangible _

_as I sleep in a dreamless house, listening to the breathing of the beast_ __  
_or to the growl gathering in my chest, or the howl, or the whimper_ __  
_of your recurring absence -- I stir_ __  
_with you_ __  
_by the windowsill we stand together and apart, ever strong, ever frail_ __  
_if you shatter I want nothing more than gather the shards and cut myself_ __  
_down to the hollow moonlight of the bone_ __  
_you’re not made of bone, or presence_ __  
_you look at me and see starlight_ __  
_but you’re mistaken, beautiful boy, for I am not a star_ __  
_what you observe is a planet, ruthlessly stealing the light you shine yourself_ __  
_in a feeble attempt to give it back to you, through the unyielding darkness of_ __  
_the eternal night_ __  
_my beautiful boy, my starlight, I know light cannot be touched_ __  
_only basked in, and I lay my dark body repeatedly in front of you_ __  
_over and over again, in a wild, blind orbit one could call spiraling_ _  
_ _in a hope that one day you will see how you shine_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title of Even's poem is ruthlessly stolen - with permission - from Memine. It's a name of a painting I adore, and that reminds me of these boys. The poem itself is my own.


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> content warning: talk of sex considered rape
> 
> I will put a summary of this in the end notes, so you can skip this chapter if you need to, or check first if you can handle it.

Flashes. Like projected on a screen.

_ A patch of skin with lips against it, teeth grazing, a gentle bruise where they lift off. _

_ The hardening nub of a nipple. _

_ The trembling of a thigh, being raised up in the air. _

Isak opened his eyes. He wasn’t sure about where he was, at first. He didn’t remember where he had fallen asleep, and that thought made the hair at the back of his neck stand up. The beer. He had drunk a beer, and. And then what?

Isak turned on his back. Even’s ceiling. In the bedroom. Okay, he was in Even’s bed. He checked his arms quickly. They were bare but intact. Just like the rest of him. He was naked, but unharmed. Why was he naked?

_ A tongue flicking its way along a collarbone. _

Isak sat up so fast he was feeling lightheaded. He looked around, but didn’t see anyone. Where was Even? What had happened last night?

_ A tongue wrapping around a tongue. The kiss, slippery and hot. _

He covered his mouth. But he couldn’t bare the touch of his palm on his lips and pulled his hand away. His tongue tasted like metal. Where the hell was Even?

“Hey, babe? You up?”

Even’s voice was calling Isak from the kitchen. Isak looked around the room and saw Even’s underwear on the floor near the door. Right next to his own underwear.

“Isak?”

Isak had to answer him before he’d come here. Possibly naked. But he couldn’t make a sound, and soon enough Even appeared at the doorway. He wasn’t naked, but topless, and Isak stared at the bruises on his skin in horror. They were fresh.

“Issy?”

“Please don’t call me that”, Isak said, unable to draw his eyes away from the bruises. He was trying to remember what Even’s skin tastes like. “Did I -- did I do those?”

Even looked down and grinned.

“Nah, don’t worry about it. It’s cool. It was just the beer. You really can’t handle a drink, can you?”

“I blacked out. I told you I can’t drink.” Isak was feeling sick to his stomach, and realized almost too late that he actually was going to throw up. He rushed past Even - who stepped out of the way - into the bathroom, on his knees by the toilet seat and emptied his stomach in two violent cramps.

_ Something hard and smooth sliding along a tongue, deep into the mouth. _

“Fuck!” Isak tried to throw up again but nothing came up. He dragged himself up on his feet and rinsed his mouth in the sink. He washed his face with cold water.

“I hope you’re not feeling too hungover to have breakfast.”

Isak almost laughed. Even was so mundane right now. Like this was an everyday thing. Like Isak’s world wasn’t about to collapse. He pressed his forehead against the mirror and tried to force himself to remember what had happened last night. He got nothing. He remember coming here, drinking a beer by accident and then nothing clear, just this. It felt like a mass of emotion, a huge mattress of it, smothering him completely.

He had to get out of here.

“Isak?”

Even was at the bathroom’s door. Why was he constantly drawn to door frames? Did he know how good he looked in them, when they could barely contain his height?

“I blacked out”, Isak said again. Why wasn’t Even understanding?

“Yeah, I know. It’s okay.”

Isak stared at Even’s lips. They were so pretty and plump. He wiped his own mouth violently.

“I have to go.”

“You keep running away from me and coming back. It’s really shitty, you know?”

Isak barked a short dismissive chuckle.

“You know what else is shitty? You raping me.”

Even stared at him in disbelief. Isak could hear the  _ excuse me?! _ radiate across the bathroom. Isak almost apologized but then he saw the bruises on Even’s chest again.

“I blacked out and you had sex with me.”

Even’s eyes got dark. Almost black. Isak had seen those eyes before, weeks ago, in a hotel suite’s bathroom.

“You know what? You’re right. You should leave.”

“I can’t. You’re in my way.”

“I’m terribly sorry. I can’t feel my legs.” Even turned his head away and shook it. “You really believe it, don’t you? That I would take you by force.”

“Having sex with someone who can’t say no is rape too.”

“Fuck you too! I thought you liked me!”

Isak grabbed the edge of the sink to keep himself upright. He was feeling dizzy.

“Please step away from the door so I can leave.”

“I told you I can’t! You can spare two fucking minutes!”

Isak really wished he could touch Even so he could shove him out of the way. But he couldn’t, especially not since Even wasn’t wearing a shirt.

_ Hands on skin lips on skin skin on skin skin skin skin skin. _

Isak closed his eyes and covered his mouth with both hands. His stomach was cramping up again.

“Just. Humor me. Before you leave and hopefully for good this time.” Even still wasn’t looking at him. His voice was cold and pained. “What the hell makes you believe I had sex with you last night?”

Isak opened his eyes. He stared at Even, over his own hands, still clamped over his mouth. What?

“I mean. What the fuck, Isak? Seriously?”

Even was really upset. His voice cracked, he covered his mouth as well and just sort of slithered down on the floor. He was sitting sideways in the doorway, still blocking Isak’s passage.

“Of all the shitty, fucked up things you could blame me for you chose that?”

Isak didn’t know what to believe. He stared at Even and just tried, he tried so hard to remember if he knew what Even tastes like. What he feels like.

“I.” Isak pulled his hands down. “I don’t remember what happened. But I have these flashes. Images. Of having sex. And. Fuck, Even, I left evidence! Your bruises!”

Even shook his head. He glanced at Isak but looked away quickly, like he couldn’t stand the sight of him.

“Do you have any experience on hickeys? Like, say, what one actually looks like?”

Isak blinked. What? Of course he -- well, at least -- did he?

“I’ve seen pictures.”

“Here”, Even said, taking his phone out of his pocket. “Let me google that for you.” Even played with his phone for a moment and then pointed the screen at Isak. Isak didn’t want to look. But he did anyway.

“Now tell me, does this look similar?” Even placed the phone on his chest, next to the bruises. Isak still didn’t want to look, and yet he did. He shook his head. They didn’t look similar.

“Want to know how I got these bruises?”

Had this bathroom always been this small? It was getting claustrophobic in here. The walls were so close to each other, smothering. Isak made a sound, it sounded like a yes and it sounded like a no. Even told him anyway.

“I had to fight the bottle off you. You were trying to break it and I’d rather not know why.”

“I blacked out”, Isak managed to utter. “But -- if we didn’t -- why do I keep remembering sex stuff?”

“Fuck if I know. Maybe it was a dream?”

Isak shook his head. This was. This wasn’t really happening, right?

“We really didn’t do anything?”

“We did not! I know you don’t want to be touched, I know you can’t handle beer, I am not a fucking asshole! I wrote you a love poem, for fuck’s sake!”

Isak swallowed, hard.

“Nobody’s ever written me a love poem.”

“I know, you told me last night and --” Even looked pale all of a sudden. Fragile. He turned to look at Isak, and his eyes almost hurt. “Do you remember the poem?”

Isak closed his eyes. His cheeks were burning red and hot. He had blacked out and forgotten about a love poem, and then blamed Even for raping him. Even didn’t say anything. Isak heard him get up and leave the door. Isak could barely see through his tears, but he picked up his underwear from the bedroom floor and pulled it on. He got dressed. His shirt was on inside out but he didn’t care. He just wanted to get out of here.

Isak didn’t see Even. He was probably in the kitchen, staying out of the way. Isak went to put his shoes on and that was when he saw it. A piece of paper taped on the apartment’s door. It was Even’s handwriting, and it had multiple stains from words or entire rows being crossed over with quick, frustrated strokes. Isak took the paper in his hand.

_ The Boy: something beautiful and barely tangible _

Isak stood by the door, with one shoe on, holding a piece of paper in his shaking hands, and read the first love poem anyone had ever written him. Then he read it again. And one more time.

He pulled his foot out of his shoe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The summary: Isak wakes up, having blacked out last night. He remembers flashes of skin, lips, hands, and thinks Even had sex with him. He calls this out as rape, but during his fight with Even he finds out nothing actually happened . Isak doesn't remember the poem, but as he is leaving to run away once again he finds it taped to the door, reads it and stays.


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Even's Art Making Playlist: https://open.spotify.com/user/tim-my/playlist/3a3QV9lH4JepR6aYIOGlME?si=FmI0FA-AQGq3A0pjhDqRBg

Even was in the kitchen. He was sitting by the table and staring at a candle. It lit Even’s face and painted dark shadows on him. The curtains were closed, and it was probably cloudy anyway. The kitchen was essentially dark. Even ran his long fingers through the flame over and over again, slower each time. Isak leaned over the table and blew the candle out. It got dark for a second, before their eyes adjusted.

Isak looked at Even. He looked at Even’s lips.

He leaned in further and kissed them.

Now Isak knew he hadn’t known before what Even tastes like. The candlestick tipped over and rolled past the edge of the table on the floor, with a bang that made Isak jump but not away -- but closer. He threw his body into Even with all his might, and the impact made Even’s chair almost fall over as well. Even caught them with his legs.

He caught Isak with his arms.

And his mouth.

They kissed with the desperation of someone who is finally given what they have always wanted and knew it would be taken away within seconds.

It was a kiss between a planet and a shooting star. And when it was over Even let go. Isak tumbled backward, he tripped on his own feet and fell on the floor. He was gasping. He was shaking.

“I’m so sorry!”

Even looked at him. He brushed his lips with his fingertips.

“Isak what the fuck?”

“I should just go. I really should, I can’t handle you and you can’t handle me, and if I told my therapist about us he’d call this a toxic relationship. He would be right.”

“Yeah. He would.”

They both sighed at the same time. They both left the  _ but _ unsaid. They both heard it anyway.

“How are you feeling?”

Isak shrugged.

“I’m not sure, really. I’m okay -- but I don’t think I’m okay with being okay, you know?”

“Makes sense to me.”

They were silent for a moment. Isak sat on the floor, and Even on the chair, and it was dark in the kitchen. Even slid down from the chair and crawled under the table to fetch the candle. Isak was blinded by the strike of the match, but it settled down into soft candlelight soon enough. Even stayed under the table, crouching, his long legs crossed. He looked ancient. Eternal.

Isak was drawn to the light like a moth in a flame. He crawled on his hands and knees, moved a chair aside and dove in under the table.

“Please don’t touch me.”

Even kind of smiled.

“Back at you.”

Isak reached behind him and pulled the chair closer to the table again. He was closing a door. This was their cave, their nest, and the rest of the world was outside. It was just them, and their toxic relationship.

“We need to talk. Like. Really, really talk.”

Even nodded. He agreed. He set the candle down on the floor between them. They were sitting by the fire, where stories had been told ever since stories had been invented. Or fire.

“I am sorry I yelled at you. I freaked out. I freak out a lot around you.”

“I can tell. I just. I don’t know what else I can do.”

Isak’s heart was breaking. Even looked so sad. And he could sense that all that sadness wasn’t for Even, some of it was for him. Even was sad for Isak, and he was trying his all, and what he got in return?

“I think that. You have done so much already. Just keep going, I guess?” Isak took the paper from his pocket and folded it gently open. It was the poem Even had written him. “I was leaving, and you knew it, and you put this exactly where I would definitely find it. That’s why I turned back. I mean, the poem is beautiful, and it’s the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me, but it’s not why I stayed.”

Isak paused. His mouth was getting dry from all the speaking, and he needed to gather his thoughts. Even let him. He just sat there, looking at the flame.

“I stayed because I had just called you a rapist and you chose the best way possible to reach out to me. You gave me space. If you’d been there, by the door, or tried to speak to me, I --”

“You would have jumped out the window if I’d blocked the door.”

Isak blushed. Even was right.

“Yes. I would. Possibly through the glass, too.”

“I’m not bitter or anything. You made it clear from the beginning, you’re not like other boys. Dating you requires a 600 page manual. But I need you to remember, that I can read.”

Isak nodded. Even was right. It was difficult, to sit here and be told off like this, but it sure as hell was easier than what Even had just gone through with him just moments ago. Isak looked at the poem in his hands. He stroked at the lines with his fingertip and stopped at one word.

“You have put a lot of thought in this. I don’t really understand poetry like you do, but I can tell that every word here has a meaning and purpose.” Isak raised his eyes to look at Even. “What do you mean by spiraling?”

Even didn’t say anything. Isak saw his expression close up, he could almost hear the snap of the lid. If they weren’t at Even’s place, Isak thought, Even would leave now.

“I kissed you.”

That did it. Even blinked, and looked up at him again. He nodded, just the tiniest bit.

“I’m still okay with it. And that really freaks me out. All my life the mere thought of touching someone, or kissing someone, has made me panic, but now -- that was my way out of panicking. I kissed you because there was nothing else I could do. Does that make sense?”

“Not really. I don’t think that’s a bad thing, though. I have learned from experience that sometimes things just don’t make sense.”

Isak nodded. Even was right. Sometimes things really, really didn’t make sense. At all. It was quiet again. Even played with the flame, trying to catch it with his fingers. Isak grabbed the candle and pulled it away from Even’s reach.

“Speaking of things that don’t make sense. I can’t stop thinking about kissing you. I don’t. I don’t think I could do it, but it’s filling my mind now, it’s like lava pushing through the ground, and if I try to push it back it just bursts out harder.”

Even curled his legs up against his chest. Isak wasn’t sure was he protecting himself from Isak or Isak from him.

“I’m...sorry?”

“No! Don’t be. I kissed you. I kissed you out of the blue and that was a shitty thing to do. But -- I had no choice. That’s the worst possible excuse in the world but I have no other way to describe it.”

“That’s a terrible excuse. Replace kissing with practically any other thing where you attack me somehow --”

“I know.” Isak looked at the wax gather on the tip of the candle. He put his hand next to it and tilted the candle. The warm sting was immediately followed by a pleasant smooth pull. Isak peeled the wax off after it had cooled off, and frowned.

“Huh.”

“What is it?”

Isak held out his hand.

“Pour. Please. Just a bit.”

Even looked confused. But he took the candle in his hand and tilted it. He made sure to keep the tip high enough for the wax to cool on its way down. It was still runny, and it spread on the back of Isak’s palm. Isak felt its grip tighten, his lips fell apart.

“Fuck.”

“Isak, you really need to explain this. What?”

“I want to get a barrel of this stuff and be completely covered in it.”

“Fuck.”

Isak exhaled a little laugh. He looked at Even over the flame.

“Please tell me you have more candles.”

“I think I have..um..two? Maybe? But you know, they make stuff that’s especially for this purpose, and it’s safer and nicer than regular candlesticks.”

“Do you have that stuff?”

Even blushed a bit, and chuckled.

“No, I’m sorry. I never thought I’d need it. But I can order some today and have some at the doorstep by tomorrow night.”

“But I want it now.”

Even looked at the candle in his hand. He looked at Isak. His eyes were so dark in candlelight.

“Well, then.”

Even placed his phone on the bedside table. Isak recognized the song it was playing, it was one of his favourites.

“I love Hozier.”

“Of course you do, he’s great. This is my art making playlist, I think it’s -- appropriate.”

Isak looked up at Even, towering over him by the bed, and smiled. Art making. It sounded appropriate indeed. Isak was spread out on a spare sheet on the bed, in his underwear, and he felt like a canvas.

The smell of a match filled the room when Even lit the candles. Their light painted on the walls with Even’s shadow. Isak licked his lips quickly, his skin was raised into goosebumps. Anticipation.

It took a moment to melt the wax. Even let Isak take that moment all to himself. Isak watched at the shadows and lights near the ceiling on the walls. He listened to the music playing. He drew the scent of the candles in his lung, slow and deep. The air in the bedroom felt a bit cool on his bare skin.

“Ready?”

Isak nodded. He was ready. More than ready. He watched Even raise a candle over him, and tilt it slowly. The wax hit his chest, a bit below the sternum, and made him gasp. His body was moving in soft rolling waves, in the rhythm of his heated breathing. He was a canvas, the wax was paint, and Even was an artist. The way the wax pulled on his skin felt so much like a touch, and so unlike, and it was bodiless, and it was perfect.

“More. Please.”

Like Hozier was saying, this was hungry work. This room was a church. Even was so beautiful in candlelight, he looked so focused. He was making art, a true artist, and Isak was loving the idea of being Even’s art. EvenStarr’s art.

It took them two rounds of the playlist to melt away all three candles. Isak was breathing so heavy by then, all of his senses were muted and focused, and he was just here, just present, just -- contained. Like the water had given him borders when Even had poured it over him, the wax was holding him together even in a more solid way. Even took his phone in his hand and looked like he really wanted to ask. Isak nodded.

“Just. Don’t show it to anyone. Not even me. Okay?”

“Of course.” Even’s voice was a bit hoarse and darker than normal. But Isak believed him. He laid still and closed his eyes. He saw the light on the nightstand turn on through his eyelids  and heard the phone’s camera take three pictures. The light was turned off again.

“Now what?”

Isak licked his lips slowly.

“Can I just stay here for a while?”

“Can I stay as well?”

Isak opened his eyes. He felt the wax crackle with his breathing.

“Yes. Please.”


	25. Chapter 25

Isak waited for Martin to say something. He could barely stay sitting still on his chair, until he remembered he didn’t have to stay seated and he got up. He walked to the window, back to the chair, around it, stopping behind it and placing his hands on the back of it.

“Well?”

His therapist was looking at him, his face blank. Isak had not expected that.

“When you say you kissed him, you mean actually --”

“Yes! I actually kissed him, and it was really great!” Isak wanted to try jumping over the back of the chair but he decided not to. Instead he walked around it and fell on it sideways, hanging his legs over the armrest. He smiled. “That’s awesome, right?”

Martin pressed his fingertips together and his chin down.

“Honestly, I think that’s troubling.”

“What?” Isak laughed, surprised. “Isn’t the whole point of this therapy to make me normal? I’ve just taken a huge step!”

“In my experience, there is no way to achieve normality. But what you can reach is peace. Are you at peace, Isak?”

“Well since you decided to not just rain but take a piss on my parade, no, I’m not at fucking peace. God, you’re a dick sometimes!”

Isak pressed the bottom of his palms against his eyes and took a deep breath. There was no reason to be a snappy bitch, was there?

“Sorry. I’ve been sleeping badly. Or, like, not at all.”

“What’s keeping you awake?”

“You know what Even calls me? A star.”

“You don’t have to answer my questions, Isak. You can simply decline, there is no need to suddenly change the subject. But would you like to talk about Even a bit more?”

Isak shook his head. He didn’t. He was scared now, scared that if he told Martin about the wax and the music and the candlelight it would be stripped of value and meaning. He had lost the kiss, he couldn’t lose that too.

“I’d rather be with him now than here.”

“I am not holding you here against your will. You can leave whenever you please.”

Isak sighed.

“Yeah, I know, I just. I’m not  _ well _ and I know I need this. I need you. But I need him as well, and it feels like you are trying to take him away from me.”

“What do you need him for?”

Isak glared at Martin under his brow. Fuck, his therapist was a prick.

“He’s my boyfriend! What do you think I need him for?”

Martin made a point of glancing at his notes.

“This is the first time you mention him as a boyfriend. Is this a recent development?”

Well, fuck.

“It’s not a development at all. It just slipped. We’re not. We haven’t talked about it. Yet.”

“Is this something you would wish to happen? Would you want Even to be your boyfriend?”

“Don’t be ridiculous. I can’t have a boyfriend. I can’t be touched.”

“Those things aren’t mutually exclusive.Many people have issues with being touched, and they have partners.”

“Even is really great about that, too. He gives me space. He doesn’t touch me.” Isak took the paper out of his pocket and stroked at it. Carrying it with him gave him confidence and strength. “He wrote me a love poem. Who does that anymore?”

“I would like to encourage you to be careful. I’m not telling you what to do, or how you should feel, because that is not my place. But it is more often a bad idea than not to build upon other people. You need to lay down your own foundations, and that’s what I’m here to help you with.”

Isak wiped his mouth with the side of his palm.  Why did he want to keep touching his face all the time?

“I just want to sleep.”

“Have you been doing those breathing exercises I discussed with you?”

“I know how to breathe!” Well. Most of the time he did. Sort of. “I need pills. I tried to smoke some weed but that gave me paranoia. I can’t drink because I will black out and do crazy shit.”

Martin nodded.

“I’m not your doctor, but I can prescribe you some mild sedatives. This once. You must consult your doctor about this, he has your full medical history. The fact that alcohol makes you black out is concerning.”

“Wait, you can prescribe pills?”

“Yes, Isak. I’m not your doctor, but I am a doctor.”

“You fucking cunt! Why didn’t you do this sooner?”

Martin hummed.

“You’re welcome.”

Yes. Martin was right. He was doing a favor to Isak, and Isak was paying him back with impoliteness.

“Sorry. Thank you. Really.”

“You must promise me to stop taking them if they cause any issues or side effects.”

Isak nodded. It was easier to lie when you didn’t do it out loud. Martin looked at the clock.

“We still have time. Is there something you would like to talk about?”

“To be honest I’d love it if you stopped talking and started prescription writing. I just want to go home and sleep.”

“Of course. I’ll write you ten pills. It should be enough to try and kickstart your sleeping rhythm, but I will need you to follow my directions precisely. Every day. For ten days. Can you do that?”

Isak nodded. Ten days wasn’t that long. He could do it.

“Just some simple rules. No phone for one hour before bedtime. Keep the bedroom as dark as you can when you’re sleeping. Try to go to sleep around the same time every night, and do it in your own bed. Make sure you’re not hungry, thirsty or in need of a shower. If you don’t fall asleep after thirty minutes you can try some light reading - an actual book in dim lighting, keep your phone’s screen off until morning. And if you’re having trouble relaxing, do those breathing exercises. Do you need new copies of the instructions?”

“Can Even be there?”

“No. You need to calm down and unwind to help yourself fall asleep. You can spend your days with him, but for these ten nights, you should just focus on you.”

“Heh. That’s pretty much what I do all the time. Focus on me.”

“Let’s try focusing on your wellbeing this time.”

Isak followed Martin’s orders. He stopped by the pharmacy on his way home, and somehow managed to not just take all of the pills in one desperate handful. He took them home with some groceries, ate a real dinner and took a quick shower. He checked his phone to see if Even had finally replied to his messages. He had.

_ I hope you sleep well. See you tomorrow. _

Isak pouted. He had wished for something more. Something with more feeling, maybe. But Even was right. Isak had to calm down, and feelings tended to get him worked up. Especially feelings about Even, or Even’s feelings toward him. Isak put the phone away, went to the couch and grabbed a textbook. He had no idea how long had it been since he had last done that. Martin might have disagreed about studying during his calming down period, but Isak wasn’t really into novels, and poetry was definitely not the right choice now.

After an hour of reading Isak put the book away. He walked to the bathroom, brushed his teeth, took a leak, washed his hands and undressed on his way to the kitchen. He took the sedative with his evening meds and closed his eyes for a moment.

He really hoped this would work.

He needed this to work.

Martin was right. The kiss hadn’t been a breakthrough. And he needed to stop thinking about it so he could sleep. Isak walked to the bedroom, paused at the door and turned back.

He returned to the bedroom carrying a candle.


	26. Chapter 26

For a prick Martin was pretty smart. Isak had been sleeping for a week straight, solid full night’s sleep, with dreams that didn’t haunt him after waking up but were quickly forgotten. He had taken the last pill last night, and was a bit nervous about tonight. But he had a ritual he could follow, and a date with Even before that.

Getting some actual sleep had made Isak active with his studies again, and he had been crazy busy catching up the slack of the past weeks. But tonight he would see Even again, properly, not just for a quick dinner or a much needed service with their newly purchased collection of scented wax. They had tried it out once, and Isak had loved it, and tonight he would get some more.

Heh. Maybe Isak should be paying Even.

He would  _ not _ make that joke to Even. Hell no.

Isak was a bit early. He sneaked in the staircase as someone exited the building, rushed up the steps and rang the doorbell. Even answered the door and Isak’s mouth fell open. Even looked good, always, but now there was something extra hot about him. He looked incredible with his hair ruffled up and his eyes sparkling. Isak hadn’t seen this look before, but he really liked it.

“Hey, babe. You’re early.”

“Sorry, I got out of class and didn’t feel like going home for twenty minutes. Is it okay?”

Even smiled. For a planet he sure was radiant.

“Of course it is. Come in, I’ll get the dinner started.”

Isak took his winter clothes off. He sniffed the air.

“New shower gel?”

“I don’t think so? I just grab the one in the same shelf as always.”

Isak laughed.

“I bet you do, animal.”

Even was opening the drawers in the kitchen. Isak anticipated Italian again, it was simple and inexpensive but super impressive and tasty. As he stepped into the kitchen and saw Even stick a lasagna in the oven Isak smiled. Yum.

“It’s frozen, but it’s homemade. And I’m making a fresh salad to go with it.”

“Sounds amazing. You’re too good for me.”

Even chuckled softly.

“Oh, I really am not.”

“And you look hotter than ever. How do you do that?”

“Maybe you just remember me uglier than I really am?” Even grinned and grabbed the salad to rinse it. “You look great, too. Slept well, again?”

“Yes. Fucking finally.” Isak took a chair and sat down, to watch Even. He looked so good when he was cooking. He looked best when he was making art, but cooking was a close second. “Martin’s method seems to work. I’m just worried about tonight, I ran out of pills yesterday.”

“I’m sure you can do it. And if you can’t, we’ll just figure something out.”

It made Isak feel a bit warm inside. How Even said “we” just now, without even thinking about it. They were a we now, weren’t they?

“I told Martin you’re my boyfriend.”

Even looked at him, over his shoulder. Isak held his breath, but Even just looked at him for so long he couldn’t hold it anymore. As he inhaled Even grinned. Bastard!

“So, am I?”

“I don’t know. Are you? Would you like to be?”

“Yes. I would like that very much. It makes it harder for you to run away.”

Isak blushed. He could have explained himself somewhat, tell Even that it was the lack of sleep and such, but he didn’t. He knew he was trouble.

“That’s just it. I don’t want to run away from you, and this time I’ve spent dating you has showed me that you won’t let me. I don’t trust myself in that aspect, but I do trust you.”

Even stood still, letting the water drain from the salad between his fingers into the sink. He had his thinking face on.

“That doesn’t give me much to put my trust in, does it?”

Isak closed his eyes and tried to cope with how much that stung.

“I really am trying”, he managed to say, finally. “I want to give my all to this. To us. I just have never done that before, so I can’t tell you if it will be enough or not.”

The smell of garlic filled the kitchen with the sounds of chopping. At least Even was moving again. Isak kept his eyes closed and just listened. He wasn’t panicking, at least, probably thanks to being this well rested. And thanks to a certain piece of paper in his pocket.

“You’re the first person ever who makes me want to try.”

“That’s something.”

Isak raised his heel up on his seat and hugged his leg. The touch wasn’t feeling ideal, but he needed the pressure. Grounding. He listened to Even move around in the kitchen, and when he heard a sound he didn’t recognise he opened his eyes. Even had taken a mortar and pestle, and was grinding something that smelled really great.

“You can call me Issy. I think I’m ready for that now.”

Even smiled. He looked so nice. Isak could have watched him forever.

“Thank you. I would like that a lot. It feels affectionate.”

“I know. That’s why I wasn’t ready before.”

Isak put his leg slowly back on the floor. The kitchen was smelling so good, with the lasagna and the garlic and whatever else was in that mortar. It smelled like home in here. Isak tried to remember if his parents had ever cooked something, but he couldn’t come up with a single memory.

He shook his head. No. Now wasn’t the time. He could think about all those thing when he was alone, now he was with Even and he needed Even’s light, reflected or not. So, he turned to look at Even.

Even was looking at him.

“What’s up, boyfriend? You’re so quiet today.”

Isak blushed. Why did Even have to look so good? Why was Isak feeling a longing he had no name for when he looked at Even?

“I don’t know. I’m just nervous about sleeping, I guess. And this whole boyfriend thing. And you.”

“Me?” Even raised his brow as he was tossing the sauce into the salad. “There’s no need to be nervous about me. I’m right here, like always.”

“I know. I just. I’m not sure if I’m okay, but I don’t want to poke around to see why. Can I just mope tonight?”

Even placed the bowl on the table.

“Of course you can. You don’t have to impress me with party tricks, your presence is enough. I like you. Being with you. Not your potential or whatever.”

Isak swallowed, hard.

“I said I don’t want to poke at things. You need to stop talking about me now, please. It doesn’t matter what you say, I will hear it wrong.”

Even nodded. Isak tried to not read too much into his face, but it was tough. It was good that Even turned his face away to get the lasagna out of the oven. It was golden, bubbly and smelled awesome. A lot like Even, Isak thought, and felt a tiny smile pull at the corner of his lips.

The food was great, and eaten in silence. After dinner Isak helped Even clear the table and then spent about ten minutes trying to figure out if it was too soon to ask or not. Finally he decided it was not.

“Can we go to the bedroom now?”

Even nodded. He went ahead and Isak followed him. After undressing Isak slipped into the sheets. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Even’s skin smelled so good.

“You should change back to your old shower gel, it smells better.”

Even laughed, softly.

“Fine, fine, I’ll buy some tomorrow. And give a good scolding to the clerks for moving things around.”

“They’re just doing their job. If you want change, you must complain to the corporation. Tomorrow. Now you’re busy.”

Even lit the match.

“I wholeheartedly agree.”


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uhh yeah, one thing. I am sorry, I should have realized I need to warn people about this sooner (gonna add a warning on the notes on ch 1 right after this, but for many it is too late, and for that I am sorry). Sure, spoilers, but the element of surprise is trumped by safety.
> 
> I would have done this sooner, but I figured it all out very recently. Once again, I'm sorry.
> 
> Please check the end notes of this chapter, if you are at all unsure if the cause of Isak's issues could be triggering to you, based on the tags I just added.

February swooshed by. The freezing temperatures were starting to release their grip from the city, and the occasional sunshine was already feeling warm. It was like Oslo was finally awakening from hibernation, stretching slowly, taking a long, deep yawn. The winter was still here but it was losing the battle, and the hope of spring pushed its way through the frozen ground violently. Life had prevailed.

Isak was still sleeping like a baby. He had even spent a couple of nights in Even’s bed, sound asleep through the whole night. He was resting, he was studying, he was working and he had a boyfriend. Everything seemed to be alright.

“You haven’t said a word in ten minutes, Isak. What are you thinking about?”

Isak looked up at his therapist. He sighed.

“I don’t want to talk about it. I’m happy, for the first time in forever, and I want to keep it that way.”

Martin nodded. He waited for Isak to continue, but since Isak didn’t, Martin opened his mouth again.

“Well, from where I’m sitting, you don’t look happy. You look rested, and more balanced than in a long time, but not happy.”

Isak scoffed.

“You’re the worst therapist I have ever heard of. Isn’t it your job to help me feel happy?”

“My job is to help you deal with your issues, and with whatever troubles you. I strongly encourage you to tell me what it is you don’t wish to talk about, if the only reason keeping you from doing so is that talking about it won’t help you stay happy.”

Isak glared at Martin. He knew Martin was right. He had been coming here long enough to know that when therapy hurt most it also worked best. It still sucked.

“It’s not fair that I have to suffer because of this bullshit.”

“It’ not. But it is what it is, and the truth is that you are the only person who can shovel all that shit away.”

“My scrawny shoulders aren’t made for shoveling.”

“From this side of the room they sure look strong.”

Isak raised his brows, shooting a hundred question marks across the room. Martin nodded.

“You have come a long way since Christmas. Don’t you think so?”

“To be honest? No, not really. I feel like I was tumbling down a hole and now that I’ve scraped myself up I’m back where I started.”

“That’s how it goes, Isak. Sometimes you leap forward, sometimes you stumble back, and at times you just tread on water for a while. But in general, you are making progress, and I think that now it’s simply time to take a leap of faith, forward. If you really think you’re not ready, then it’s not time. Are you ready?”

Isak sighed. Martin was right. He was ready, but he had a hunch that this particular bag of shit would be really big. They had brushed at it during their past couple of sessions, but Isak had derailed the conversation quickly on safer turf.

“I’m not. But talking about mother is something I’ll never be ready for, so I guess now is as good a time as ever.”

“What would you like to tell me about her?”

“Nothing. But I have to.”

After the session Isak was exhausted. He had barely scratched the surface, yet he felt like he had been pulled through some kind of machine that was made to tenderize meat. He was raw, and he was torn, and he needed Even as much as he feared him. He took his phone out and texted quickly.

_Can I comeo ver?_ __  
_Fuck_ _  
_ _Come over?_

____

Even read the messages. He was typing. And typing. And typing.

_Please_ __  
_I need you_

Typing. Typing.

_ OK _

Isak stared at his phone. Who the hell takes five minutes to type OK? Even, apparently. But it was a yes, and Isak took it. On the way he texted Even instructions. He didn’t want to talk about why he was upset. He didn’t want to talk about anything, really, and he would love it if Even just read him something out loud. Not poetry. Even didn’t respond to those messages but he did read them. Isak felt like an asshole because of them, really, who the fuck gave orders to their boyfriend like that? Even was too good for him.

When Isak got to Even’s place he was greeted with a nod and a worried look. He shook his head. No, he didn’t want to share. Even nodded again, and let Isak in. He had stacked a bottle of water, a can of cola, a small bag of crisps and a tuna sandwich on the coffee table. Isak popped the can open, grateful, and emptied it with four greedy gulps. He had forgotten to eat lunch today, and the sugar rush was more than welcome.

Even took a knife and a fork with him from the kitchen and cut a small piece off the sandwich. He raised the fork in front of Isak’s face. Isak blushed, but he opened his mouth and let Even feed him. The sandwich was great, and Even fed it to him piece by piece until it was gone. By that time Isak was feeling significantly better, and managed to give Even a little smile.

“Yum. Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. You’re always hungry after therapy, and you never want to eat anything then.”

“Let’s not talk about therapy. Or anything.” Isak grabbed the bag of crisps and ripped it open. He let the greasy, grumbly saltiness melt on his tongue, slowly. “Could you please read something for me?”

“I am reading this great book, but I’m in the middle of it already.”

“It’s okay. I just want to hear you read.” Isak fell on his back on the couch and closed his eyes. “I might fall asleep.”

“In that case, let’s start by going to bed. I have the book on my nightstand anyway. Come on.”

Isak groaned, but finally agreed to drag himself to bed. He laid down on his belly on his side of the bed and closed his eyes again. The bed was so soft and it smelled like Even. His old shower gel was back, too. Good.

Even laid down on the other side, on his belly too, leaning on his elbows. He took the book and opened it.

“This is Steven Hall’s The Raw Shark Texts. I really can’t explain to you what’s going on, you need to read this yourself if you want to know.”

“I already told you, it’s fine. I’ll probably fall asleep before you’ve read me two pages.”

Finally Even believed him and started reading. Isak listened to him, to his soft, deep voice, and let its weight pour down into his limbs. He was fed, comfortable and watched over, and to that thought he drifted to sleep.

When Isak opened his eyes it was dark outside. The lamp on the nightstand was on, and Even’s ruffled up hair had a golden halo from its glow. Even had fallen asleep, flat on his book, and he was drooling a bit on the edge of the page. Isak smiled, then the smile disappeared to make room for a determined, defiant little pout.

“I didn’t know mothers hug their children before I met Jonas”, Isak whispered, as quietly as he could. He paused, holding his breath, listening if Even’s breathing was changing. It wasn’t. It was steady and deep and asleep. “I mean. I had seen it on tv and such, but tv wasn’t real. I must have seen it happen in real life too, in parks or stores or streets, but still, I remember this. It was like an epiphany. I was seven years old and I remember this. Devastating sense of  _ loss. _ It felt like my mother had died.”

Isak wiped his eyes and nose on the corner of the pillow. He had to keep quiet, or Even would wake up, and he would never tell this to anyone again.

“I was so ashamed. I was such a bad child my mother couldn’t hug me.”

“Mmh? What, babe?” Even yawned. Isak buried his face into the pillow so he could hide his tears and muffle his sounds. He didn’t say anything, he kept himself steady, oh please, Even, please, just fall back asleep.

Even took the book away from under his face, settled himself down more comfortably and then stopped moving. Isak waited, and he waited, and waited. Finally he believed Even was asleep again. Isak peeked carefully, and yes, at least Even wasn’t looking his way. He was breathing slowly, and the air smelled like sleep. Isak bit down on the corner of the pillow and kept quiet, just like he had done since he was seven years old.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Isak's issues are derived from childhood trauma of being deprived from physical contact with both his parents and experiencing serious neglect and abandonment on that front. I will talk about that in this chapter. Then it will go on a break while I focus on other stuff, but it will resurface from time to time. I will add a content warning to those chapters when they come around.


	28. Chapter 28

Isak drowned himself into work. The more he worked and studied, the more exhausted he was at the end of the day, and that meant he could just collapse in the bed and turn off without thinking about anything. He barely saw Even. He did feel a bit bad about it, but he just needed space. It had been a mistake to tell sleeping Even about his childhood. Isak had thought that spilling it out would have released the burden, but he had been wrong.

He was angry at Even for not reacting to his confession. It made no sense, since Even hadn’t even heard him, but still. Isak avoided meeting him, and when he wasn’t with Even he missed him terribly. When he was with Even, he was either snappy and bitchy or sulking and grumpy. Even responded by being cold and distant. They had reached the aphelion.

Even was hiding behind his book. He had almost finished it, and Isak noticed Even had started turning the pages slower to make his hideout last longer.

“I’m sorry, should I just leave?”

Even raised his eyes from the book and glanced at Isak over it. He looked bored.

“You’re the one who wanted to come here and not do anything.”

“I came here to see you!” Isak barely left out the  _ asshole _ from the end. Barely.

“I believe I am in plain sight right here.” Even turned his eyes back down to his book. Isak grabbed the nearest thing and threw it at Even. It was the remote control, and it hit Even’s hand and knocked the book down on the floor. The remote control crashed next to it, spilling the batteries out. One of them rolled under the couch. Its rattling was the only sound in the room.

Isak stared at the battery as it disappeared. He was about to remember something. It was right there, behind a closed door, and the door wasn’t locked, and Isak’s hand was on the handle --

“What the fuck?!”

Even’s voice shattered the door and pulled Isak back in the room and the reality where Isak had just picked up a hard object and thrown it at Even. That was not a pleasant place to be.

“I’m sorry”, Isak squeaked. “I’m so sorry.”

Even got up from the couch. Isak pulled back in his armchair, but then Even dropped down on his knees on the floor. Isak stared at him, eyes wide, trying to understand what was going on. He failed.

“What?”

“Just waiting for your next order, sir.” Even’s words had tiny icicles hanging from them. They were sharp and fell directly on Isak’s chest.

“What?”

Even scoffed.

“That’s how this works, isn’t it? You give me orders and I follow them and hope that this time you will be pleased.”

Bile. Black bile and poison oozed down the icicles and into Isak’s chest cavity. There was plenty of space for it too, Isak’s heart had curled up into a tight little ball.

“Please. Get up.” His voice was ridiculously weak.

“Of course, sir”, Even spat and got up on his feet. “Any further orders?”

If Isak asked Even to stop, Even would just say yes sir. If he asked anything else, the same. He needed a way out, but couldn’t ask for it.

“I need you”, Isak whispered.

“That has been well established. You need me. You need silence, you need sound, you need company, you need peace, you need to be worshipped and served and entertained. How about what I need?”

The shards of the door were at Isak’s feet. He wondered if he could reassemble it and step through it to escape this room.

It didn’t help one bit that Even was right.

Isak should have said something.

“Do you have any idea how much I work to keep you happy? Do you even care?”

He really should have said something. But he didn’t want to tell Even the things that were rolling in his mouth. He couldn’t let them out and make them true.

“I haven’t been touched by anyone in three weeks! It’s driving me nuts! Sure, no sex is okay, but fuck, I could use a fucking hug once in a while.”

“I’m sorry!” Isak managed to push it out, past the secrets. He had to scream to get it through, and his scream seemed to echo in the room. Then Isak realized something. He looked up at Even. “..three weeks?”

Even frowned.

“Yeah?”

“But..I haven’t..”

“You sure haven’t.” Even’s bark wasn’t as direct and hostile as it had been this far. He was hesitating. Isak took out his phone and checked the date, then he checked his calendar.

“You haven’t been touched since the day you became my boyfriend.”

Even sat down on the couch. There were chinks on his armour, and they were getting bigger by the second.

“I know? That’s the problem here?”

Isak made a little sound, like a distant cousin to laughing.

“I’m a fool, aren’t I?”

“I’m not following.”

“It wasn’t shower gel I smelled. It was the guy’s cologne. I smelled it as he left the building, I just didn’t --” He hadn’t bared the thought so he hadn’t thought about it. He was really good at that. “When I came here that day you were just finished fucking him.”

“To be accurate, he was fucking me.”

Isak made that sound again. He kept his eyes on the gutted remote control on the floor. He could relate to it so well.

“I have been wondering how you could be so okay with it. Of not touching me, or me touching you. I should have known you’ve been cheating.”

“Excuse me?!” Even’s voice was cold again. Sharp. “We were not in a relationship. I haven’t been with anyone ever since he started. While you have been having sex with dozens of people for money.”

Even didn’t say it out loud, but still the word hit Isak right in the gut.  _ Whore. _

“It’s not real sex. I don’t touch anyone.”

“That’s  _ exactly _ how we have sex!”

Isak covered his mouth. Even was right. He was right and correct and Isak couldn’t breathe in this apartment anymore. He had to go home. He rushed up on his feet and out of the living room to pull his shoes on.

Even didn’t stop him.

He let Isak get dressed, grab his bag and leave. On the street Isak looked up at the window but didn’t see Even. He checked his phone, in vain. Even was letting him leave, maybe for good. The bright sunlight could be blamed for the tears, but the heaving sobs that made him shake were all on him. Isak pushed his trembling body onward, down the street and into the tram.

How could he have been so blind? First he’d let Even cheat on him right under his nose for who knows how long, probably since the beginning, and then he had pushed Even away from him when he had finally been faithful. Isak was a fucking idiot.

And a whore.

Isak pulled his scarf over his face to hide his ugly crying. It also muffled his sounds rather well. He was the worst boyfriend ever. All he had done was take and take, and now it all made sense. Even’s vague excuses of not seeing him, the slowly dimming light. How pale Even had looked today in comparison to the day he had become his boyfriend, and --  _ fuck. _ Now that it wasn’t there anymore Isak understood what it had been.

The residual light of a passing comet.

The spots in your eyes after looking at the sun.

The afterglow.

Isak almost missed his stop from his crying. He managed to stumble to the doors at the last moment and practically fell out of the tram on the street. He landed on his hands and knees. The street wasn’t icy anymore, but the layers of sand that had been spread on ice all winter were still there. The pebbles tore his jeans and the skin on his palms.

Someone touched his shoulder, asking if he was okay. Isak dashed forward, like an olympic runner, he stood up while he was already running and ran as fast as he could. He ignored the pain, he let his backpack beat on him as he ran with it over only one shoulder. He heard the pebbles fall off his palms and rattle on the street, with the pieces of his heart.


	29. Chapter 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> content warning: childhood trauma

Isak stared at the note on the bathroom floor in front of him. Especially at the end of it, the last lines that were illegible because they had pushed their way out of him too fast for his hand to keep up. He still knew what those lines said. He watched the flow of slurs lose its variation and turn into just one word, over and over again, or two words, one thing: bad boy. It was the cry of a seven-year-old, muffled by a pillow, night after night after night. Bad boy. Bad boy. Bad boy. Bad. Bad. Bad.

“I wish you were dead”, Isak heard himself whisper. “Why don’t you stay dead?”

He ran his finger along the messed up words. He saw them scraped up on the door that was inside his mind, carved with ragged fingernails and fallen baby teeth. Bad boy. Bad boy.  
BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD  
BAD  
BAD

BAD

bad

_bad --_

Isak’s mouth twisted in a silent cry. He covered it up with his both hands. His lips quivered against his palms, tickling them like feathers. He pressed harder and bit down as hard as he dared. He bit so hard his teeth hurt.

He kept biting until the urge to scream had passed. He stepped back, away from the door. With Even it had looked like a regular door, harmless to open, but now that he was alone it was like he was on the other side of it. This side had no handle.

Isak pressed his face over the toilet and threw up again. Or, tried to. His body spasmed with the heaving cramps, but his stomach was completely empty. He didn’t know when he had even eaten last time, and he sure as hell wasn’t hungry. Isak spit in the water and flushed the toilet more out of habit than need.

He pushed himself up on his hands and knees. He had to stay there for a moment, to catch his breath and keep his stomach from cramping again. His palm was hurting. He leaned on it harder.

Ripped jeans. Cold shoulder shirt. Cherry flavoured lip balm. All bundled inside a winter jacket, a scarf and a thick woolen hat. The winter had struck again, after a week of sunshine and hope of spring. The winds were brutal, with snow swirling in their trail, and the window of the tram felt cool even through the scarf.

Even was home. Thank god. He opened the door and looked at Isak, and Isak looked at him, and he didn’t know what to say. There was nothing to say. Except for one thing.

“Can I come in?”

Even stepped aside so Isak could enter the apartment. Isak took his jacket off and felt Even’s eyes on his bare shoulder. It made Isak’s skin tingle. Or crawl. He decided it was tingling.

Isak turned around and looked at Even. He was so beautiful. His lips were so pretty. And Isak could do this. He had to do this. He stepped up and kissed Even.

Even tasted like beer. And confusion. He raised his hands to push Isak away but didn’t touch him. Even stepped back.

“What are you doing?”

Somewhere, far away, years ago, a small body was slamming itself against a door with no handle.

Isak smiled.

“Kissing you.”

Even took a swig from the bottle he was holding. It was regular beer, and now that Isak looked at him closer -- that wasn’t probably the first bottle today. It didn’t matter.

“Why?”

“Because you’re right.” Isak pulled his shirt over his shoulder but it dropped right back off. “I’m. I’m not any good in bed but. It’s time.”

Even’s eyes were glued on his shoulder. It was tingling.

“Let me get this straight. You want me to fuck you? Like. Actually, real touching fuck you?”

Isak blushed. His cheeks were burning up.

“Yes.”

Even emptied his bottle and placed it on the side table. It fell over with a clink.

“Well, you got it partially right.”

Isak shifted, nervous. He didn’t ask, just waited for Even to keep talking. Even looked him in the eye and now Isak knew what an eclipse was. There was a dark mass of a dead moon passing over Even’s eyes, making them almost black.

“Fuck you.”

BAD

Isak couldn’t feel his legs. He had to sit down on the pile of shoes under the jackets. He pushed himself back with his feet, disappearing behind the coats. He was leaning his back against a door, and something on the other side of it was scratching on it. It sounded weak.

Isak covered his mouth and was so happy his stomach was empty, because his fingers couldn’t have stopped the sick from pushing out of him all over the floor. Now it was invisible and odorless. He sat behind the coats and they smelled like Even, and one of them smelled like him, and a sneaker was digging into his thigh but he couldn’t move.

Even walked away. Isak heard his steps go in the kitchen. Then they returned. A bottle landed on the floor. Non-alcoholic beer. Isak stared at it. Even had brought it for him. You don’t bring a beverage to someone you want to leave your apartment immediately.

Isak took the bottle. But he didn’t dare drink it. It would have given him something to throw up, and he didn’t trust his body one bit.

“Thank you.”

Isak looked at Even’s feet. He was wearing his woolen socks. They looked really comfortable.

“I’m sorry”, Even said. “I was just so mad at you for thinking that was what I wanted from you.”

“No, you’re right.” Isak sighed. He fondled at the bottle. It was so smooth and cold. He pressed it against his burning cheek. The scratching behind his back got louder. “Are you drunk?”

“A bit. I’ve had just three beers, but the twelve-pack I downed last night might be still kicking.”

The twelve-pack. That must have taken some actual effort from Even to empty all by himself. Isak kept rubbing the bottle on his face, enjoying the coolness. It was so substantial, it was definitely a real object in the real world, and it kept Isak anchored here as well.

“I need to tell you something, but not when you’re drunk. Can I stay here until you sober up?”

“By here do you mean on top of my shoes or in this apartment?”

Isak almost laughed.

“On the shoes, for now. But I think I can come out soon. If that’s okay.”

“Sure. Take your time. I’ll go put the coffee on and take a cold shower.”

Isak leaned his head on the wall behind him and closed his eyes. He squeezed the bottle tighter against his hurting palm, and listened to the sounds behind the door. The scratching had stopped, but the small prisoner was still in there. A small ear pressed tight against the door, listening, barely daring to breathe.

When the water started running Isak crawled out. He emptied the bottle in the sink but kept it with him. He walked to the window and looked at the swirling snow. He really hoped he wouldn’t be snowed in again.

Isak caught Even’s semi naked body’s reflection in the window as Even passed the kitchen doorway. He was so beautiful. Isak pushed his hand in his pocket and took out the folded piece of paper. He unfolded it slowly.

Even appeared in the kitchen and poured himself a huge cup of coffee. Isak turned around to look at him. How could anyone look so good in mismatched pajamas and worn out woolen socks, their hair wet and stuck to their face?

They didn’t speak. They waited. Isak held the paper in his hands, careful to not show it to Even. Even was drinking his coffee, holding the cup with both hands. He drank the cup empty and then refilled it, and emptied the second round in silence as well. Then he placed the cup in the sink.

“I think I’m almost sober now. Not fit to drive, but. I’m all here.”

Isak nodded. It was enough. He put the paper gently on the kitchen table and pushed it toward Even.

“I need you to read this out loud for me.”

Even looked at the paper, at the jumbled up letters crawling over it like bullet ants. He stepped closer, slowly, and took it in his hand.

Isak looked at Even, biting his lip. Please. Please, Even. Isak saw the wrinkle appear between Even’s brows. Even wiped his mouth with his hand and pulled himself a chair. Isak leaned his back against the wall and lowered himself down on the floor.

“Whore.” Even’s voice was quiet, but steady. “Freak. Broken. Defective. Forever alone.”

Isak closed his eyes and listened to Even’s voice. He pressed his palm against the wall behind him, and on the other side of the door someone pushed his tiny hand on the very same spot.


	30. Chapter 30

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> content warning: consent issues
> 
> I had to rewrite this chapter three times. It's getting tough to write this thing. I am tempted to end it soon, but we will see.

The apartment was so quiet. Even had reached the end of the list of legible words. But it was not complete. It wasn’t enough. Isak squeezed his eyes closed tighter and continued.

“Bad boy. Bad boy. Bad boy.”

His voice didn’t sound like him speaking. It scared Isak so much he had to stop short, too. He opened his eyes and looked at Even. His gaze was a request, a plea, a beg. He didn’t know what he was asking for but he needed it. You asked for this, Even, you asked for Isak to give something of himself and here it is now, on the floor at your feet, please, beautiful Even -- Isak may be a star, but what supports life is a planet.

Even placed the paper on the table. He looked at Isak for a moment. Actually looked at him, at the little boy curled up in front of a closed door. Isak was so fucking scared of opening that door and letting him out.

“I left that little bitch in there to die. I thought he had died.”

Even frowned. He didnt’ understand. How could he understand?

“Get a pencil and paper. Please.”

While Even was fetching what Isak had asked for, Isak pulled himself up and to the table. He sat down. He pressed his hands against the table to keep them from shaking. It didn’t really work.

“Here.” Even tried to give the paper and pencil to Isak. Isak didn’t take them. He couldn’t draw to save his life.

“Draw me a door.”

“What?”

Isak nodded. Solemnly. He had never been this serious about anything in his life.

“Draw me a door. About this size.” Isak ran his finger on the paper, drawing the borders. “No handle. That’s important. Don’t draw a handle.”

Even took the pencil and drew a rectangle on the paper. He looked at Isak, raising his brow. Isak shook his head.

“Better. Draw it better.”

Even did. He added details to it, and shading, and Isak watched the door inside his mind be transferred on that piece of paper. When it was done Isak took the pencil from Even. He pressed so hard that the paper ripped. He more scratched than wrote the words on the door, in desperate strokes. Over and over again. BAD BOY

Even grabbed the pencil and pulled it gently out of Isak’s fist. Isak pushed the paper in front of Even again.

“Draw me a boy. Seven years old.”

This time Even didn’t question Isak. He just got to work. He drew, carefully, slowly. It was a quick sketch, but done meticulously. You couldn’t see the boy’s face, but he had slightly curly hair. He was curled up on the floor. Isak looked at him. He was so small.

“I locked him up in there and forgot about him.”

Even looked at the picture. He looked at Isak. He looked so worried.

“I thought he had died. But he didn’t. He will never die.”

“Does he have a name?”

Isak’s stomach curled up again. He thought about the boy, the bad boy who had been put away so Isak could keep going and live, and leave.

“Yes”, Isak whispered, so quietly. “His name is Issy.”

Isak sighed. He took the picture in his hand.

“I’m taking this to Martin next time. I promise. I owe it to him. To myself.”

“Good. Good.” Even put the pencil down and took the other paper in his hand, the one Isak had written full of nasty things. “And this one?”

Isak shook his head.

“Burn it.” Isak rolled his sleeve and pushed his arm on the table. “With a candle.”

Even looked at Isak’s arm. He looked at Isak.

“Okay.”

Isak waited for Even to go get a candle. Even turned all the lights off, too, and pulled the curtains in front of the windows. When the match was struck the light almost hurt Isak’s eyes. Even placed the candle on the table and tore the paper slowly into long strips. He took the first one, grabbed the candle with his free hand and brought it over Isak’s arm. Even let the paper catch the flame and used it to melt wax off the candle’s surface. It dripped on the thin, sensitive skin on the underside of Isak’s arm.

They completed the ritual in silence. Even burnt every strip, and then they burnt out the rest of the candle, and when they were done Isak’s arm was covered in wax and stuck on the table. The last drops took the flame with them, and the kitchen was dark again. Isak heard Even breathe. He reached his hand out in the darkness and met skin. The cheekbone. The jawline. The soft curve of the lips that shivered at the touch.

This time when Isak kissed Even, he kissed back. His lips were a bit dry but warm, and the taste of beer had been replaced with coffee. The wax kept Isak’s other hand nailed to the table, and it grounded him in this world. He couldn’t be pulled through that door now.

Even pulled away from the kiss, panting softly.

“Isak --”

Isak kissed him again. Even’s lips were so soft, and so warm, his mouth was so wet and slick. The shards of wax rattled on the table and the floor as Isak yanked his arm free so he could throw himself at Even.

Even caught him. Isak felt his big, beautiful hands over his ribs. Here he was. Held. He was held by Even, and he had been so upset for so many hours already that he simply had nothing left anymore. He couldn’t panic one more bit.

“Please”, Isak murmured on Even’s lips. “Make me come.”

He needed it. He needed it so bad. He needed Even to shove his back against the door and make him forget about it. His heart was fluttering and burning up, his lips were devouring the kiss, desperate for oxygen to keep the fire going.

Every time Even tried to break the kiss Isak pushed harder. He couldn’t let it break, that could have given him that split second he needed to stop. He kept speaking into Even’s mouth, telling him to do it, begging him to do it, please, just do it, do him, please.

Finally Even stopped fighting. His hands curved around Isak’s body, to his back, and pulled him closer. Isak let him. It made his heart throb so hard, and his blood rush and boil, he was shaking. His body was trying, it was giving it all for this one last go, but it got tired soon enough. It succumbed, and when it did, Isak told Even to take him to bed.

Even did. On the way they stopped here and there, to kiss, to touch, to pull clothes out of the way and on the floor. Even seemed to make a point of touching Isak as much as possible, touching his bare skin all over, everywhere. His fingers burnt, they stung, they made Isak’s brain flare up over and over again in a feeble attempt to tell him to run. As Even laid Isak on his back on the bed the door slammed shut by the force of the impact.

Goodbye, Issy.

Even looked down at him, his eyes dark and sparkly. He was hesitating. Isak rolled his eyes, reached up and pulled Even down on him.

“Don’t fuck me. But make me come.”

Even pressed his thigh between Isak’s legs. Isak felt the friction on his semi, and it made him try out moaning. He decided that it worked as a great distraction for both of them, so he moaned again, louder, encouraging Even to rub his thigh against Isak’s dick harder. Isak pushed his hips up, too, to increase the pressure. It did feel good. It felt awful, but it felt really good, and soon enough Isak was hard all the way.

He would hate himself later.

He might hate Even, too.

It didn’t matter. What mattered was that door and keeping it shut. Isak grabbed Even’s ass with both hands and pulled him closer in short, sharp nudges. He wrapped his legs around Even’s thighs and kept moaning. His fingernails dug into Even’s skin. It made Even moan, or whimper, or both, and Isak released him reluctantly.

“Isak.” Even had stopped moving. Isak tried to pull him back in, but he refused. “Look at me.”

Isak almost declined. But then Even would have stopped. Isak opened his eyes and looked up at Even.

“Am I assaulting you in any way now?”

Isak almost laughed. Maybe he kind of did.

“What?”

“Are you somehow uncomfortable? Are you doing this because it’s something you think I want? Are you doing this for me?”

Thank you, Even. Thank you so much for asking three things in a row so Isak could answer something that was 2/3 true. It was simple to round up.

“No.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes. Please, I need you.” Isak pushed his hips up again, rutting against Even’s thigh. That did the trick. Even was probably not too stable himself right now, and Isak knew he should have asked, he knew he was now using Even in a horrible way, but he had no other choice. He had to do this, or he would collapse and go insane.

Even kissed him. He kissed him hard, and long, and during that kiss Even’s hand slipped between their bodies and found Isak’s hard, throbbing dick. As Even wrapped his fingers around it, being the first person ever to touch it besides Isak himself, Isak’s eyes snapped open.

“Oh god --”

He had not expected it to feel like this. Not this  _ much. _ Isak closed his eyes, opened his mouth, his head trashed from side to side on the pillow as Even moved his hand slowly back and forth.

“No!”

They both froze. Isak had not meant to say that. He had not intended to say that at all, but he had said it, and as soon as Even got his body in co-operation again he jumped up and away from Isak.

“I’m sorry! I shouldn’t have!”

Isak looked at Even. Even seemed so fragile. It was not fair. If Isak let this happen without stopping it, Even would tuck this moment inside him and let it eat away on him like cancer until he had to fill out another sheet of paper with his hatred for himself.

“No”, Isak said, sitting up slowly. “I’m sorry.”


	31. Chapter 31

Isak sat on the bed, his legs crossed, mimicking Even’s position on the floor. It felt almost odd. To be this at peace while the world was crashing down. The worst had happened, and it was almost over. Isak had told Even about the bullshit he had just tried to pull at Even’s expense.

Even didn’t say anything. Isak watched Even carefully, while Even really, really wasn’t looking at Isak. Finally Isak lowered his feet on the floor.

“I should just go now. You have my number.”

“No.”

Isak didn’t get up. He pressed the balls of his feet tighter against the floor, but didn’t push hard enough to stand up.

“What?”

“You’re not going anywhere, asshole.”

Isak got it. Even was mad at him. For a fucking reason, too. So he scooted back and pulled his legs up again. He wasn’t going anywhere.

“Okay.”

Even reminded Isak of the way he had looked when they had first met. In pieces, on the floor, at Isak’s feet. Shattered by what Isak had said.

“I have been struggling for weeks now.”

Isak nodded. Fair’s fair.

“I’m so sorry.”

“No.” Even shook his head, almost angrily. “God, everything really is about you, isn’t it? I have my own shit to deal with too, not just yours.”

Isak nodded again. He was not in a position to do anything else, really.

“Would you like to tell me about it?”

“Not really, no.” Even sighed. He still wasn’t looking at Isak. “It’s just something I think you should know about before we go further. That I have been struggling with shit unrelated to you.”

“Okay.” Isak took a deep breath. Braced himself.

“Hey, remember how you accused me of raping you? I suppose the score is now even.”

Well, that hurt like a motherfucker. If Isak hadn’t been this beat he might have been really upset. But he was exhausted. He tipped over and fell on his side on the bed.

“Make room.”

Even got up. Isak scooted back and made room for Even to crawl on the bed next to him. Isak had never seen Even look like this. He had seen him broken, and tender, and distracted, but not like this. He looked both scared and hopeful at the same time, and the baseline of it all was exhaustion.

“It doesn’t make sense. You use and abuse me over and over again, and I keep letting you. But.”

Isak held back his tears. And nodded. He knew, there was a but. A but that had been there since the very beginning.

“When I’m not with you I know you’re bad news. That we’re bad for each other. Then I see you, and everything just falls into place. I see you, Isak. I know what you’re going through, and you have seen me, and been there for me, and now it’s simply my turn.”

“But is it too late?” Isak whispered. Even was so close that whispering felt necessary. “Can we start over yet again? What if it goes to shit once more?”

Even laughed softly. It sounded sad and gentle.

“It probably will. But then we will start again. And again. I am prepared to keep trying with you until we get it right.”

“But what if we never do? We don’t know what I have behind that door you drew.”

Even wasn’t laughing anymore. He looked at Isak, and his eyes were so kind.

“I know there is a seven years old boy who has been lonely and scared for a long time. And I can’t wait to meet him.”

“I bet he hates me.”

“Perhaps. But I’m sure he has also missed you a lot.” Even placed his hand between their faces, holding his palm toward Isak. Isak put his hand against it, almost but not quite touching. He could feel the warmth radiating from Even’s skin.

“What if I can never be fixed?”

Even almost smiled.

“That makes two of us, then. I will be bipolar all my life. Never being cured doesn’t scare me anymore.”

“But what if I can never touch you?”

Even glanced at their hands. Almost, but not quite touching.

“To be honest, that little boy looks desperate for a hug. If you ask me.”

Isak pursed his lips. Even didn’t understand.

“You can’t rely on that. Especially when there’s no telling how long it might take. You were in pieces after three weeks.”

“I don’t need to have sex with other people. And I can hug my friends. Can’t I?”

“Of course you can! I can’t believe you didn’t before.”

Even blushed a bit.

“I wanted to be true to you. It was stupid of me, especially since you never asked for that.”

“Speaking of things that are asked for.” Isak paused, briefly. This was difficult for him, but it was for the best. “I need to stop working. I just have to find other people to help my regular customers from now on.”

“You don’t need to quit because of me.”

“Thank you. But I need to quit because of me. I need to figure myself out and.” Isak sighed. This was hard. Way too hard, but it was necessary. “I might need some space away from you too, at some point. I don’t know yet.”

Even nodded. He looked calm. And relieved. This was the most difficult conversation they had ever had, but at the same time it was the best.

“Then I will give you space. And hope you will come back to me when you’re ready.”

“I will. I swear, Even, I will always come back to you.”

“You know what, Issy? I think you will.”

Even’s smile was made of light again. Isak had missed that shine so much it took him a moment of just basking in it before he started to wonder what Even was smiling about. Then he noticed Even wasn’t looking at him anymore. Isak followed Even’s gaze and saw the source of that light.

They were holding hands. Their palms were pressed lightly together, and their fingers were criss crossed in a gentle lattice, bent over to cradle each others hands. Isak looked at them for a long time, marveling at the miracle that had appeared out of nowhere right in front of him. He gave Even’s hand the tiniest little squeeze.

A squeeze of a hand.  
A ray of light.  
A click of a lock.

“I don’t want to let go. Can’t we just stay here forever?”

Even snuggled up more comfortably.

“Sounds like a solid plan, if you ask me. You’ve always been my favourite thing to look at.”

“I don’t understand how. What do you see in me that’s so great.”

“Apart from your beauty and your light? I still remember when we first met. I used you to make myself feel my absolute worst, you saw me at my absolute worst, and you simply accepted it. You accepted me.” Even paused, blinking rapidly. He succeeded at not crying, much better than Isak did. “You’re the first person ever to really, fully accept me as I am. I think you’re the only one who ever will, either.”

Isak rubbed his eyes on his pillow. He didn’t want to let go of Even’s hand.

“We are going to work it out, aren’t we?”

“We will not stop trying until we do.”

They laid there, holding hands, for what felt like hours. Finally Even started squirming.

“I really need to --”

“Yeah. Me too.”

They looked at their hands. They were scared to let go, and they knew they had to.

“On three?”

Isak nodded. They counted. One, two, three, and on three they let go. Isak closed his eyes, bracing himself for the shards of shattering spell.

Nothing happened. Even got out of bed, and Isak opened his eyes again to see him holding out his hand. Suddenly Isak was terrified of what would happen if he took that hand only to find out he had to let go of it right away. It would break his heart.

Even nodded.

“It’s okay, Issy. We have time.”

Even pulled his hand back. Isak was disappointed, but not devastated. The door was still closed, but it was cracked. Even hurried to the bathroom and while Isak waited for his turn he gathered his clothes and got dressed again. He ended up in the kitchen and saw the drawing on the table. He took it in his hand.

“Hey there, little one”, he whispered. “I hope you can come out soon. There’s someone I really want you to meet.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whooh. That's it. That's how far I could take this story and not fuck everything up royally.
> 
> Some might argue it's already a bit late for that.
> 
> To those people: I'm sorry. So, so sorry. I will keep a more vigilant eye on myself next time.
> 
> To all people: thank you.


End file.
